Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween in the old days.

I remember trick-or-treating, particularly the year I don’t remember much about it. You see, we lived out in the country amid what would now be called persons of alternate lifestyles but in our day we called them Hippies. They were a friendly enough bunch, always smiling although sometimes it was as if they didn’t even see me, their eyes seemed somewhat glazed for some reason. Conversations with them were difficult because they were always forgetting what they were saying in mid sentence.... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Is it Halloween yet?

My costume was perfect. The ladies at the bank always dress up so I thought they would appreciate a customer who put in equal effort. Unfortunately there was some confusion. I had planned my costume diligently, right down to the plastic Tommy gun. John Dillinger was who I was supposed to be. But since I am president of the (proposed) procrastinator’s club my idea was to be in costume a week or two late, a right funny joke by my standards. So the teller asked me, “what’s the deal with the old... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 24, 2011

About those bats in my belfry.

Do common sayings drive you bats? Me too. Or me three, as the case may be. What case? Was it brought before a judge, or was it a book without a cover, in which case it couldn’t be judged. One should always have someone to plead one’s case, just in case. Is it order in the court room or hors d’oeuvres? I think the jury would like that better, but the verdict is still out on that one yet. Possibly its a hung jury. How they know what size genitalia an all male jury has is beyond me. Over my head... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Loggerheads

Of course, logs don’t have heads, but they do have butts, as any logger will tell you. Loggers have heads and butts, some are all butt, but then so are some bankers. It is for us to keep ahead of the game by keeping our head in the game. After all, we don’t want to be the butt of some cosmic joke. Perhaps one like, “do you know what’s uglier than Pluto? Uranus!” Readers are snickering, or should be. Did you know there are rings around Uranus? More snickering. Pluto, to get revenge for being... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Superstitions and other things

I’m not a jet-setter. I rarely fly because I am a stick in the mud. But when I do fly, I think of the possibility that this aircraft may just mysteriously drop out of the sky. Of course, if that happens, I would also not-so-mysteriously fall out of the sky, possibly to a bad ending. When I was younger, and in the Air Force, I flew quite a lot and thought it was great fun! Then one landing in Fairbanks Alaska, the plane blew 2 tires on landing. The good thing was, we were done dropping out of the... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Through thick and thin

Panini presses are all the rage these days. What ever happened to the good old-fashioned sandwich that didn’t take a kitchen appliance to produce? Aren’t grilled cheese sandwiches enough? I have to confess though, once I had a Panini sandwich, I knew those clever Italians were on to something. That got me thinking, why not take Panini to the next level? As we Americans are wont to do, if a little is good, more is going to be better. So I have come up with the idea for a hydraulic Panini press. I... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Dyscalculia, does it add up?

I knew there was some reason I am terrible at math. Now it has a name! Sure, it looks similar to dyslexia, especially to a dyslexic which eye em. Now I’m not so sure, dyscalculia is a difficulty using mathematical principles. I can generally figure out what they want, it’s when I see the wrong numbers that I get into trouble. I totally get how to figure the area of a square, but when my brain reverses the numbers, the answer inevitably is wrong. There is a test you can take for it but I haven’t.... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

America to have its own running of the bulls!

No, I’m not talking about Decision 2012 or whatever they are going to call the upcoming election. I’m talking about Cave Creek Arizona where organizer Phil Immordino says a few hundred folks will run in front of about two dozen bulls on a quarter mile track. Of course, this being the Nanny State that it is, Phil says, “Remember, we’re in America, not Spain. Everyone’s sue-happy.” Well, I don’t know who this sue is but she is probably happy she makes everyone happy, all seriousness aside. Ok,... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Look out photon, here comes neutrino

The ultimate speedster, the photon has been demoted. Yes, Einstein claimed, and everyone who it was important to agreed, nothing could go faster than the speed of light. Now, smart guys and gals everywhere are agog over new findings that neutrinos may just travel faster than the speed of light. And just what difference will that make to you as you wait for your morning cup of coffee? Well, if they put neutrinos in those wires instead of electrons, electrical things would go faster, like your... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Corn Maze Daze Craze

Ads allure us to “come on out and experience the Giganto-Corn Maze!” That’s just what one would want to do after spending days, weeks and years negotiating buildings riddled with hallways and work cubicles right? Add to that freeways, surface streets and even our own homes. At my advanced age, everyday is like a Corn Maze. Me: “Dear where are my socks?” My Long Suffering Wife: “They’re in the drawer in the bathroom, like always.” Me: “Dear, where is the bathroom?” MLSW: “Down the hall, like... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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