Mom vs. Wife vs. Sanity

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

When the toilet... well, craps out....

It’s not like I don’t know better, I have known her for at least 27 years. Nonetheless, I embarked on a journey to the local Lowe’s store with my mother to purchase a toilet. The plan was flawed from the beginning- two women who cannot make it through the fruit section of a grocery store without a... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Hoarding the mold for the huddled masses

My parents are what I like to call “old”, and what they like to call “actively retired but still working”. In this state of quasi-awareness and constant-sweatervested-ness, I have found it necessary to institute a biannual review of the food in their possession. My parents buy food as though the... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Fat chicks and the friendship that will never be

I hate rainy days. For weeks, nay, months I have successfully avoided the fat chick at my daughter’s school. Dropping my daughter off with stealth-like precision, picking her up and rushing her to the parked car as though she were an International political figure; I have worked hard at avoiding the... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Cookie dough musings

I make a lot of cookies, though I rarely make cookie dough. I buy the prepackaged, already-in-a-cylinder dough. Recently the dough manufacturer in all his wisdom began putting an “Easy Open!” seal on the cylinder, complete with a bright yellow, exclamation-pointed notice to consumers that this... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 5, 2005

Hanging with mom

I was feeling ill yesterday so I headed over to my mom’s house to relax, sit down, and help her hang six ridiculously large pictures on her wall. Being that I spent the previous night praying to the porcelain gods, I was a bit woozy and not altogether “better” or even “okay”. Mother noted this with... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Crock pots and other aptly-named objects

When you have kids you have to realize that there are some things you cannot do. You cannot, as I have previously mentioned, expect to enter any bathroom (public or private) without inciting a riot. You cannot go to a grocery store without at least one napping child. You cannot volunteer to bring a... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 21, 2005

The Sandwich Militia

My local Subway Sandwich Artists are angry. We live in one of those developed areas of the desert where it’s cute to have a coffee joint called “Java-linas”. Alright, that’s never cute, but you get the idea. In our little grocery store corner strip mall area, we have our coffee shop, our Chinese... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

One obscure reference to The Abyss, and a little bit of snot.

My husband has a fear of germs that rivals my own fear of drowning. I failed moms and tots swimming lessons as a child – three times- and have ever since avoided large bodies of water that carry with them the potential to make my last words “Gurgle gurgle”. I have lived a relatively happy, dry, and... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Into everyone's life a little tree will fall....

We caved and bought a tree - $42 and we could fit the poor sad thing in the back of the car. No roof top ride for our little fir, no, he got his own seat next to the kids. My husband got it screwed into the stand and though it listed terribly to the right, I decided he knew what he was doing (he’s... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

At least I'm not green like the Grinch...

I have made an executive decision to steal a Christmas tree this year. I was tempted to drag my herd down to the parking lot of the local Smitty’s and haggle with a flannel-clad chain smoking retard in the hopes of bringing the price of the already-in-the-throes-of-death tree to juuuust below the... Sign in to see full entry.

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