Warped thoughts

Monday, October 1, 2012

Introducing the Me Phone

Bigger, faster, stronger, less sexy, includes batteries and carrying cart. Also included is a map pocket to keep all your old school paper folding type maps in. No Map Ap needed when you have the Map Sack! Concerned about connectivity issues? No sweat, we have no connectivity built in whatsoever, when the battery runs down, just get a new one. The Chinese will never hurt for jobs with this plan. Remember, ask for it by name, because there is no I in Me. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

In defense of hoarding

No, not the piles of trash kind of hoarding, more the drawers full of stuff hoarding. I’ll admit to being a mild one of those. While looking through my nail drawers this afternoon, I came across three bent nails. Now why would I keep three bent nails? I guess earlier on, before I had accumulated extra stuff from thousands of projects, I must have thought that I could straighten them out and use them. Perhaps I imagined a scenario where in a post-apocalyptic world (not to be confused with a... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Save water, shower with a friend

--or, How a Bumper sticker became a horror movie -- In these times of water shortages, it’s more than a bumper sticker. What better way to promote good will among the inhabitants of the Earth than scrubbing up en masse? Let me be the first to offer my shower to all the NFL cheerleaders free of charge. Well, not exactly, I might get a charge out of it but it’s good clean fun after all. Some time ago, in the sixties my cousin and I set about concocting a movie from that popular bumper sticker of... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Arsenic and old rice

One has to wonder if the arsenic has been in the rice all along and has just now been detected or is the amount increasing? I haven’t heard a sound bite that answers either question. They (you know, the mysterious they) say that it’s ok to eat rice once a week. What will all those Asians do? Seriously, all preconceived notions aside, they do eat them some rice now. Maybe the next danger will be the Fukoshima rice that glows in the dark. I can see the ads now – “Why have a candle light dinner... Sign in to see full entry.

Don’t Riot

I just saw about the “Ancient Papyrus” that purportedly claims that Jesus was married. Of course historians are doubtful and boobs like me can’t wait to wax satiric. Put me down on the side of the doubters. If Jesus had a wife, he wouldn’t have wandered the desert, she would have had him stop at the first oasis and ask directions. Another thing, she would have made sure that Moses didn’t forget the Unicorns, they are soooo darling. Ok, I realize I have skewed the time line here but the point... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The food cops

16 ounce drinks are going to be illegal in New York! Boy, the day that happens the countries collective belt line will diminish greatly. Don’t be surprised if masses of youths, eager to display their underwear suddenly find their pants dropping to the floor. I know what you’re thinking, don’t be silly, it can’t have that much of an effect. You would be right. I commented on this as I got a refill on my 24 ounce drink at a local Wendy’s. They were surprised, and the lad waiting on me said, “16... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Why is it?

Everyone that tries to look different all look the same? Tattoos, piercings, ear plugs, gaudy hair and shorts that are longer than my pants? Want to impress me? Get a damn tattoo on the back of your leg and while you’re at it, make it damned Chinese so no one can read it. “How cool am I” is what the look says, “I paid a lot of money and I can’t even see it and if I could, I would have no way of knowing what it really says!” It’s probably Chinese for “dumb-ass.” Back in my day, we all grew long... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The mobility crisis

The electric carts at stores seem to be running overtime these days. That is probably to be expected with the “graying” of the population fueled by the burgeoning of the boomers. However the disturbing part is usually the carts seem to be occupied by folks far younger than boomers. Folks that seem to be retired competition eating champions, if you get my drift. My 86 year-old mother steadfastly refuses to use one, preferring to use a conventional shopping cart and her cane for support. She says... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Waxing moronic about Mormons

There is the Reorganized Church of Latter Day Saints. Then there are the Latter Day Saints and several other branches of Mormonism. As happens, whenever there are divergent organizations, there are bound to be squabbles over who is the REAL deal. A meeting of church elders was convened to settle this issue. During a break, they heard the Charlie Daniel’s song, Devil Went Down to Georgia. They were inspired to host a fiddle playing contest to determine which group would be declared the leader.... Sign in to see full entry.

The empty chair syndrome

Perhaps it was appropriate that Clint Eastwood was talking to an empty chair. As far as I’m concerned, that empty chair represents a large part of the viewing audience. Either they don’t care, or no one is home. In the end, did Clint change anyone’s mind or was he just preaching to a puzzled choir? Undecided voter: Hmm, I wonder who I will vote for, well I might as well watch the Republican convention so I can educate myself on their positions. What’s this? Clint Eastwood talking to an empty... Sign in to see full entry.

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