Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, May 14, 2004

Toilet Paper recall.

I think all toilet paper companies should be forced to recall their crappy products! All the focus is on making them ever softer which ultimately leads to a product extremely prone to (this is rather adult in nature) “poke through.” Yes, that disgusting event that leads to a thorough scrubbing under one’s finger nails. What we need is paper that is “steel belted” or equipped with some similar re-enforcement. What it forces one to do is use huge amounts of paper folded over several times. More... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:55 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

LAWNMOWER BLUES

Spring, and a man’s fancy turns to anything but lawn mowing. Darkness has enveloped eastern Washington and with it comes the chill of evening that is even chillier than the chill of day. After many hours putzing with his lawnmower, the do-it-yourself yard equipment maintenance technician considers keeping warm by setting fire to the old yellow Coast to Coast refugee from the junkyard mower that he has been working on for the past two weeks. The valves have been massaged and re-seated, the head... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:21 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, May 10, 2004

Challenge for women.

She nags endlessly, “stop and ask directions” when your driving. But go into a store where she can’t find what she is looking for and will she ask someone for help? Not on your life. We just wander around and around and around looking at all the same racks over and over and over. So the next time you get that gentle reminder, “GODDAMMIT stop and ask directions!!!!” just say, “well, it’s around here somewhere.” And don’t give me any crap ladies, I watch you when I am in the store, I am finding... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:27 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Does this happen to you?

You need to post a humor blog but nothing is funny? The globe is warming, humanity is warring and most people have gotten over Janet Jackson’s nipple exposure. AHHH, times like these call for the old concept of turning one’s mind free to see what happens. I wonder how many people “hear” what they write, as if someone inside your head is telling your stories. Ok, don’t confuse that with “hearing voices”, that is usually bad, nine times out of eight it turns out to be the devil masquerading as God... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 2:15 AM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, May 7, 2004

The Great Shopping Conspiracy.

Deep in the air circulation system at your favorite (fill in the blank)Mart, Grocery Store, Superstore, Warehouse store or chain store is a secret chamber. It is in this chamber that a substance is released into the air flow. A substance that is specifically designed to affect human beings in very calculated ways. The substance is the mysterious Idiotium a colorless, odorless gas that affects the central nervous system of shoppers. Expose the male of the species to Idiotium and he well become... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:43 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Diet Caution!!!!

When dieting, due care and caution is called for. Take me for instance (my wife always says that and people laugh, but I don’t get it) I wanted to take some pound off before a class reunion. The Slim-Fast plan was all the rage then. It had two words that sold me, the first was slim, which of course is how I wanted to be. The second was fast, the reunion was two days away! I was in such a hurry I got confused and went on the Slim Jim diet. Was I ever embarrassed! I was in New York around New... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 4:20 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, May 1, 2004

Paper airplanes.

Sometimes I fold my thoughts into paper airplanes and launch them your way. They may look simple, sometimes brightly colored but you have to catch one and open it up to fully appreciate the undertaking. Take my neighbor for example, he is an undertaker. Mortician I suppose would be an official title, I myself would be mortified to have that on my resume unless I was undertaking to land a job in the Dearly Departed Biz. He also raises exotic birds, pygmy cattle, Llamas and a ton of sheep. The... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 4:33 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, April 30, 2004

Finally Friday.

Friday, end of the week or just two days from Monday? I hate to rain on your parade, but the drums are killing me. Whoo Hoo, Friday, go out and get smashed, wasted, obliterated, stoned, high, low, mellow, wound up until it takes until Monday to feel normal. The weekend is shot to hell with the mother of all hangovers. “Oh, wow, ain’t doing that again until next Friday!” The great American exuberance, “oh what the hell, one won’t hurt me!” The trouble is that one is the one too many. We are out... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:26 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, April 29, 2004

On being a comedian.

It must be tough to have to be funny. You go on TV and the host promises the audience that you are hilarious. As you wait in the green room your asthma is acting up and you can’t help worry about all the late notices from creditors in your mail box. It is at this point you realize you have on the boxer shorts that creep up and the tag in back makes you itch like crazy. You are taking Erithromyicin for an ear infection and that has your gastric system all out of balance with the side effect of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:33 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The soft rain stopped.

My lawn is suddenly vibrantly green. An even green, no dry corners no missed spots. Just like lawns watered with those underground sprinklers. Maybe that is what I really need after all. As I stand in my living room surveying the greenery, my mind drifts into the possibility of actually installing an underground sprinkler system. First I suppose one would have to calculate the square footage of the lawn to determine how many sprinkler heads to use and the amount of water that needs to be... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:30 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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