Eighty Thousand Cigarettes

Thursday, July 1, 2010

"DONE, DONE AND I'M ONTO THE NEXT ONE"

So the post below this wasn't the final blow to mine and "Ian's" (hereby re-dubbed "Fish Boy," which is short for "Fish Tank Guy," which is what my friend H dubbed him after he was no longer worthy of his given name). I have to try really hard to not be bitter about it... because it did re-teach me a valuable lesson about dating, and I've taken it and moved on to the next. I didn't spend too much time feeling sorry for myself about the whole thing, a work-week at most. It boils down to hindsight... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, May 14, 2010

AND THIS IS WHY I'M A "TOUGH GIRL" (and why men are assholes)

So I got L-bombed. Fine and good. But since then, there's been this gradual pulling back, sort of. He cut me roses from his garden, asks me what I want to do for my birthday, tells me he digs "the way I am" and then... oh, and then. We go to a his friends' bands concert yesterday afternoon, he is DD so I proceed to get shitfaced drunk. We get back to his house and all of a sudden there's a talk, that I can't remember except for the entire 'feeling' of it which was that he was seriously pulling... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE ANTI-MARIJUANA, AT LEAST BE ABLE TO DEFEND YOUR POSITION

I smoke pot. I make no secret of it. I am not a 24/7 or even a 7 days a week stoner, but I'd say about several times a week I like it. It relaxes me. It's the perfect compliment to a beer and a boy and maybe a cigarette. When I posted for my current apartment situation, I plainly put that I was "420 friendly" in the text of my ad. Out here especially, it's hard to find people who don't partake at least occassionally, and harder still to find people who are staunchly against pot in any shape or... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

TRYING TO NAIL DOWN THE SOURCE: AGE OR PILLS OR SCHMOOPYNESS?

Lately things have been great, so it's kind of amazing that you guys have been hearing about it at all since I've always embraced that 'tortured artist' thing and would only write when in turmoil of some sort. So, count your lucky stars, my scant minions. Anywho, yes. Things are good. I got my first "I love you" from Ian. He was standing more than 5 feet away from me at the time, we were at his family's cabin in the mountains this past weekend and I was just walking around doing stuff, his palms... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A MIXED BAG CALLED HAPPINESS

Happiness doesn't negate the rest of the feelings that life throws at you, it just paints them in a different light. While you haven't heard from me mostly because I feel like you've heard all the words I could type about how fun, and refreshing and active life is with this new skin and new boy, and I don't want to repeat myself or god-forbid bore any of you. But today was interesting. It started off like most of my days lately do, in Ian's arms. Slightly hungover from sharing my grandmother's... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Falling, Falling, Fell?

So this thing hasn't lost steam at all and the further it goes and the deeper in it I get, the more I feel my internal walls tensing, getting ready to shut him out or shut the whole thing down, even though I know it's stupid and counter-intuitive... but when everything I've always said I wanted is looking me directly in my blue eyes with his own, telling me that I am beautiful, special and yes, even perfect it's hard for me for some reason to just let go. Maybe there's been too much hurt and I... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

MY BUTT IS GONNA LOOK AMAZING IF I KEEP UP THE DERBY-GIRL THING

I've never really been a "joiner." All of the sports that I've previously enjoyed (and I've never been what you'd call 'sporty' either) have always been solo endeavors -- figure skating, skiing, kayaking, rollerblading. Not that I'm not a team player but I just tend to like speed and not have to think too much when I'm doing something leisurely. But I need a life up here and I stumbled across an all-female amateur roller derby league up here with open practices on Tuesday nights. I decided that... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH POT

So Ian and I have been spending lots of time together. After another Friday/Saturday apart I had plans on Sunday for my friend H to come up and hang out North Bay-style. This is only the second time she's made the trip in the nearly 2 years that I've been living up here. Not that it doesn't make total sense -- the city is way more fun and that is where most of my friends are in California. She was also curious about the boy though, so we met up with him for lunch downtown before heading off for... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

GOD, I FORGOT HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS

So I've been promising to quit smoking for like, almost a year now and giving it half-assed attempts every few months. More than the physical addiction for me is just the enormous amount of time that cigarettes and smoking have been a part of "who I am." I've attempted and met with some success in the past using both Welbutrin and Chantix. The former put me in a fog so deep that the second I felt I was safely "quit" (read: 3 days), I stopped taking it immediately. That quit session lasted about... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, April 12, 2010

POSTCARD FROM BIRMINGHAM, AL

I've been in Birmingham since Thursday afternoon and I've got to say that I am more than impressed with the city and the South in general (although definitely not Southwest airlines). My cousin's wedding was beautiful and surprisingly non-preachy considering it was my first time inside a Baptist church and I was sandwiched between my two gay uncles in the third row. My uncle made me laugh during the sermon when the pastor spoke of marriage being a covenant for ALL people. And since this is the... Sign in to see full entry.

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