Eighty Thousand Cigarettes

I guess this is closer to a list of New Year's Resolutions, but calling them that is setting up for certain failure, so we'll just call it a list. I think rounding out the top of this list, it's only fair to include, you guessed it... Men. In general, really and I'll touch on the more specific men later on in this post (or possibly, some other post) but my attitudes towards the opposite sex have landed me in more than one drama, heartbreak and led me to cross lines that while not illegal,... Sign in to see full entry.

I half-jokingly have dubbed my friend Ian "My Favorite Person in the Entire World." It's a title he's in on and maybe a little confused by but I think he gets it. We have weaved in and out of each others' lives since I was about 14. It was at an Alateen state-level function and I saw him smoking a cigarette with a friend during a break in the meetings in the parking lot. I was standing with my friend Noelle and Ian was incredibly good-looking... almost too good-looking to be real. So naturally,... Sign in to see full entry.

Read the rambling post below this to catch-up on the mindfuck of what happened between Dan and I when I was back East for the Holidays. I'm still trying to process it, still mulling over whether or not I think that he and I could actually ever "be" again and was still feeling incredibly, horribly upset for him over how badly he told me his life was going aside from being a loving father to two adorable kids. Like I said, the baby-mama is the same woman for both the offspring and I've never been... Sign in to see full entry.

Alternate title: So, I Made Out With Dan and Finally Humped One of My Best Friends Without Screwing Myself So, I went back to the East Coast solo for the holidays. It was a much-needed escape from the bleak reality I'd created for myself in this Northern California town and I swear that the second the plane touched down, I felt like "me" again... and no one in my family decided to die this year, so there was that to brighten all our spirits' as well. Now, the last time I was home someone did... Sign in to see full entry.

I was not an easy kid, and my circumstances were far from ideal. My mother ran off to Maine with my father, dropping out of college and getting knocked up. Returning back to Connecticut to birth and raise her kid, try and save her husband from his self-destructive addictions she had an abortion when my brother was a baby. Still not divorced, she got knocked up again and decided to pin all the guilt and hopes on that one... me. She left my father before my first birthday. The three of us were... Sign in to see full entry.

There was a long parade of men when I was at school in California. So long that I often lose one of them in shuffle. It's not because the story is no good but probably more because both of our behaviors were so out of whack and at times, embarrassing that it puts me in a better light not to repeat it. Well, big deal. See, I think I've told all of you about my penchant for looking up people (ok fine, mostly men) from my past just to have a look-see where they are now. Usually when I search for... Sign in to see full entry.

Against my better judgment and fighting every muscle in my body, I dragged my ass out of bed today and came to work. The only reason was because if I stayed home I KNEW I would just be depressed and lay in bed intermittently crying all day... getting out of bed afforded a very slim chance of that. I think the easiest way to describe the feeling isn't quite so 'numb' as it is disconnected or regressed. I look at what is in front of me and think of the way my 2 year old cousin jumped up and down... Sign in to see full entry.

I grew up 12-stepping. Some of my earliest memories are sitting in some empty room in a hospital or church with my mother and listening to things no little kid should ever have to hear. Of course, no one thought I was actually listening. I had homework or a book or a doll in front of me and I kept my eyes firmly glued to those objects. My mother started pushing me towards Alateen before I was even old enough to attend, and because I was rebellious and scarred from listening to Al-Anon members... Sign in to see full entry.

My feelings towards my job for the past two years or so have swung between ambivalent at best and a feeling of being trapped at worst. It all started when I announced that I would be moving to the North Bay in late spring 2007. A little background. When I started working at my job, I had been in California for exactly two weeks and I was the only full-time employee. I worked for two guys that eventually I began to count as friends and we socialized and gossiped and got the work done.... Sign in to see full entry.

Here they are, ladies and gents -- all those who passed through these pink gates. 1. Dan (Virgin #1) I was 14, he was 17. This is the character some of you remember as Declan, and my on-off soul mate for 10 years (and still a source of heartache and confusion at infrequent times). 2. James. I was 17 he was 19. I have always claimed that if I had a brain in my heart that this simple, adoring man could have been the end of the line for me, if I only I could have ever been happy with a simple... Sign in to see full entry.