The crazy lady strikes again

RachelAnna brought up yet another issue which hit home with me. In this post, she talks about her encounter with a former boyfriend, who told her she had a certain power over men. Although I've never had a similar experience, I do know what it's like to have that kind of power. At one time, I felt as if I might have had it over my former boyfriend. Much of his free writing on his Geocities sites is written with me in mind; I can tell this because there are references to activities I once engaged... Sign in to see full entry.

Depression is painful. I ought to know. But I finally figured out one cause of the depression. As I said before, I have created pseudonyms on Yahoo, for the specific purpose of being secretive - because I can. Using one of these pseudonyms, I have been keeping track of my former boyfriend; I have even referred to this pseudonym as "my informant" in other blogs because I didn't want to admit that I was duplicitous enough to hide under such deep cover. What distressed me was finding out through... Sign in to see full entry.

Why is it that whenever I talk about suicide, my ranking goes up, while posts not about suicide actually cause this blog to sink in the rankings? I'm a good writer. I don't want to resort to suicide as a marketing ploy. That's crass. I would prefer to write about other aspects of myself, and have you read the resulting posts. That is the way I would prefer to drive up my ranking. I'm sure you would prefer to read more upbeat posts as well. Sign in to see full entry.

I have an appointment for tomorrow, August 12, at 3:30 PM. I spoke with a crisis counselor this afternoon, after first talking with the intake coordinator at the agency I'm going to be dealing with. Thank you, again, for all your positive thoughts and vibes. Sign in to see full entry.

I have an appointment for tomorrow, August 12, at 3:30 PM. I spoke with a crisis counselor this afternoon, after first talking with the intake coordinator at the agency I'm going to be dealing with. Thank you, again, for all your positive thoughts and vibes. Sign in to see full entry.

In this post, RachelAnna hits another metaphorical home run. She uses poetry to describe the effects on loved ones of suicidal thoughts. When I read the post, I felt ambivalent. There is no doubt in my mind that suicide brings on a lot of pain in the lives of those loved ones left. However, I have always had a strong pull toward independence from loved ones; I felt, growing up, that I was being subjected to a good old-fashioned guilt trip whenever someone would mention my family. Sure, I got the... Sign in to see full entry.

In this post, RachelAnna mentions a childhood friendship, which broke apart due in part to her refusal to use illicit drugs. (Keep in mind that this is my interpretation of the post.) What resonated with me, however, was RachelAnna's mention of the fact that this incident caused her to build walls around herself, metaphorically at least. I can relate because I've done the same thing, but for different reasons. My reason was that I didn't want people nosing around - largely out of loyalty to an... Sign in to see full entry.

I've decided to call the agency back this afternoon. I've found out that the intake worker I need to talk to will be there later this afternoon, and frankly, I'd prefer to speak to her directly rather than her voice mail system. I'm in too much pain to wait for her to call me. I've also thought of something else while I've been ruminating. The reason why I'm going through this is that I have to place priority on my own growth. I've been putting off this step for too long, placing the opinions of... Sign in to see full entry.

Right now, I'm at the waiting stage. I'm waiting for an intake worker from this mental-health agency to call me back. In the meantime, I will have no hesitation about going to an ER if I need it; if the stress of waiting gets to me, I may just need it. That's what worries me. I'm not sure I can wait for an intake worker to examine me to see if I'm worthy of care. After all, pain is pain, and it's difficult to go through no matter who you are. I just wish I could find something more quickly to... Sign in to see full entry.

I finally found the agency offering our area sliding-scale counseling. I'm so happy I was able to call their intake office to set up an appointment. I have to admit to being scared by the phone problems I had this morning, too. I had a cellphone - my daughter's - available to me to make emergency calls with, but I'd rather use the land line to clear up any problems that might arise. Sign in to see full entry.