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I didn't see any problem with the last stanza. You have some very intimate and private images in your poem. Well written.
posted by
WhiteJedi
on October 6, 2005 at 11:33 AM
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it's a touching poem.
posted by
Straightforward
on October 6, 2005 at 10:34 AM
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Quirkyalone,
I enjoyed reading your poem. I think it is good, but if you want to rework the last, it sounds like you have received a lot of suggestions to ponder on.
posted by
jacentaOld
on October 5, 2005 at 4:08 PM
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dryten--nice!
thanks for contributing, I appreciate it very much.
posted by
Julia.
on October 1, 2005 at 12:29 PM
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or has your having touched me
or has your having touched me
set forever within me a cellular memory
never to be forgotten or ignored
having once been, remaining always
the joy of my life
unalterable by time or chance
posted by
dryten
on October 1, 2005 at 9:04 AM
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shadow--
I know, I like them all too, which makes it hard now--I just felt the ending needed "something" but not really sure what.
posted by
Julia.
on September 30, 2005 at 10:05 AM
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masky--
we DO need a crying smiley (hehe, that's an oxymoron if ever there was one)...thanks for your suggestion and compliment!
posted by
Julia.
on September 30, 2005 at 10:04 AM
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cosy--
that was great!! Wow, this is getting so difficult, now I have so many suggestions I don't know which way to go...oh, but thanks!! I appreciate it very much.
posted by
Julia.
on September 30, 2005 at 10:02 AM
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Quirky,
There have been some excellent suggestions here and all worthy of using to revamp the closing. Still, I like it just as it stands. Shadow
posted by
Keshet
on September 30, 2005 at 9:58 AM
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Quirky...
<---can't find the smiley that sheds a tear so this one will have to do.
Have you considered using "releasing" in the final stanza or "opening the window to release, however the window will always be opened just a crack?" Something along those lines?
This is lovely as it, friend!
posted by
Masky
on September 30, 2005 at 9:50 AM
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Symphony--
thank you for reading!
posted by
Julia.
on September 30, 2005 at 9:46 AM
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Alf--
I like that--but to tell you the truth, I was sort of thinking the exact opposite--that I would want to forget, not hold onto them...hmmm, this gives me something to think about though! thanks for the suggestion!
posted by
Julia.
on September 30, 2005 at 9:45 AM
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adaman--
thank you
very much for the suggestions--I think I will try the first one, that seems preferable, and see what happens. I've struggled with it for far too long.
posted by
Julia.
on September 30, 2005 at 9:44 AM
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Wow....Corrections
I remember every little detail of you;
And even though you are gone,
your essence remains etched in my skin,
And you live on...through me,
Through the memory's I embrace.
Eternally Yours...my sweet.
posted by
cosy
on September 30, 2005 at 9:03 AM
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Wow....
I remember every little detail of you;
even though you are gone,
your essence is etched in my skin,
And you live through me,
Through the memory's I embrace.
Eternally Yours...my sweet.
posted by
cosy
on September 30, 2005 at 9:01 AM
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Wow, I like it how it is...I think you have done a great job..
very heartfelt
posted by
_Symphony_
on September 30, 2005 at 6:43 AM
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What about this for the last verse?
I remember
every little detail about you;
Your essence is etched into my flesh.
These memories do cause pain sometimes,
But I will cling to them nonetheless.
posted by
A_Norseman
on September 29, 2005 at 7:33 PM
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Quirkyalone - personally, I love it just as it is. It is actually chilling
to me, the end especially. But having said that, I know that horrible feeling of not having the words be exactly right. And as MysticGmekeepr said, the end is especially important. While I love your ending, if you don't, it means there's something you're trying to express for which you haven't quite found the right words. My personal preferred strategy is to read the poem over and over again from beginning to end; even if it takes twenty or forty times, there will come a point where you will know what you want to do; the disturbance that you feel will become exaggerated. Just on the other side of that discomfort is the little bit of perfect magic you've been looking for.... My second strategy (not preferred over the first) would be to just re-write that last stanza ten or twenty times or more in various ways until you get the one that you've been wanting; it is there.
If you use either of these strategies (no obligation!) could you let me know how it worked for you. Good luck finding YOUR perfect ending. (Again, though, I got actual chills on reading this ending.) I think you're a great poet now!
posted by
Adaman
on September 29, 2005 at 12:18 PM
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michael--thanks!
it's good to "see" you again.
posted by
Julia.
on September 29, 2005 at 9:03 AM
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dryten--
thanks, I appreciate your kind words!
posted by
Julia.
on September 29, 2005 at 9:02 AM
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georgia--
the teenage years are so hard--I think we've all done things we wish we hadn't.
posted by
Julia.
on September 29, 2005 at 9:02 AM
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avant--
I'm so sorry, it would be really hard to go through something like that...
posted by
Julia.
on September 29, 2005 at 9:00 AM
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Ben--
thanks!
posted by
Julia.
on September 29, 2005 at 9:00 AM
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Bright--
love the moon, and thanks for the comment!!
posted by
Julia.
on September 29, 2005 at 8:55 AM
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MysticG--
that's the thing, I've been "playing with it" for so long and for some reason I just can't seem to come up with something I'm happy with.
posted by
Julia.
on September 29, 2005 at 8:54 AM
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Leave it as it is. it says so much in so few words.....I like it.
Ohh, sorry that I have been away and not read your poems lately. take care
posted by
michael_pilarte
on September 29, 2005 at 8:38 AM
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very good as it stands.
Quite a talent Quirky.
posted by
dryten
on September 28, 2005 at 7:45 PM
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Quirky ...
What's wrong with the last stanza? It's just right as far as I'm concerned. It gives closure and isn't "sappy". It does justice to the stanzas preceding it, and gives the reader a sense of closure. In any case, this reader ... I was a self-absorbed, 17 year old little twit of a teenager when my mother died of cancer, and I only wish I had been as sensitive as you were when I was needed most.
posted by
Georgia
on September 28, 2005 at 5:55 PM
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quirky
it's very good to end just as it is. my dad died from cancer. that was rough to witness. he was such a proud man. i remember my mom took him to the mall in a wheelchair. he was so ashamed that he never left the house again. he was bald, and unable to speak. my mom said that people stared at him. i cried about it pretty hard.
posted by
avant-garde
on September 28, 2005 at 1:59 PM
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Quirkyalone,
There are wonderful suggestions here. I have nothing else to add.
P.S. Please return to our Riddle blog. You're a hair's breadth away from the answer. That riddle has been reserved for you. The rest are onto the brand new change. Thanks.
B.
posted by
A-and-B
on September 28, 2005 at 1:50 PM
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Quirky..
I think this is very warm and beautiful as it stand. This is only a suggestion..
I remember every detail that was you.
Though your body has gone
Your essence is etched in my heart,
And I will never forget.
posted by
BrightIrish
on September 28, 2005 at 11:58 AM
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quirky-girl
ok...i'm no poetry teacher for sure...but:-) Actually it is another very well constructed poem. I enjoyed reading and "feeling" it. You write poetry well quirky. I agree with you that the last stanza needs "something". If you notice it is much sparser than the other lines. It will hold up on its own that way but could be improved upon...so play with it a little. Ending a poem is sometimes hard and always very important.
posted by
MysticGmekeepr
on September 28, 2005 at 11:37 AM
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Ariel--
that's very nice--thanks!!
posted by
Julia.
on September 28, 2005 at 9:50 AM
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Quirky
And could I ever forget you ;
you who were all in all to me ;
you who were the light of my life ;
you whose love entrapped me ;
whose love set my spirit free?
posted by
ariel70
on September 28, 2005 at 9:13 AM
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ooh...ooh...katray!!
that's beautiful! I love that stanza, but it doesn't "sound" like it came from me...lol...it sounds like YOU! But I might keep it anyway because it's so nice.
posted by
Julia.
on September 28, 2005 at 9:08 AM
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Jojo--
thanks--it's not my strong suit either but I enjoy dabbling, and always looking to improve.
posted by
Julia.
on September 28, 2005 at 9:06 AM
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Beautifully haunting and powerful Quirky...
Not sure it needs any change, but since you asked,
a few thoughts about how I possibly would conclude it, if this was my work.
I remember
every little detail about you;
even though your body is gone,
your essence seems etched in my skin.
And I wonder, will I ever forget?
I remember
every little taste of your beauty,
your body the stardust of my sky...
Your essence internal,
etched upon my flesh
eternal...
posted by
Katray2
on September 28, 2005 at 8:55 AM
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Quirky
Wish I could help. Poetry is not a strong suit for me. I liked this poem though. It could feel the sadness and love.
posted by
jojostar
on September 28, 2005 at 8:37 AM
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