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I wanna leave my past behind me...
particularly the bad memories...i am focused on my goals and there's no place for being nostalgic about the past...i do work for a better future that's all i can do right now.
posted by
Marshallengraved
on July 14, 2005 at 1:25 PM
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shadow,
thanks for your kind words.
posted by
Julia.
on July 14, 2005 at 9:02 AM
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Quirky...
I'll email you about my emotional instability.
posted by
Jemmie211
on July 14, 2005 at 1:00 AM
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Quirky,
I think the past is there to shape our decisions for the future. Tragedy is never forgotten as long as our memory is intact. The lessons learned from the past also gives us something else. The ability to share with others who are suffering from their own personal ghosts. In our learned trials, can we not give them comfort and guidance in controlling or possibly casting those ghosts into submission so they to can also learn to enjoy peace? You unselfishly share your memories and for many you give hope that they can also defeat the emeny. Great post. Shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 13, 2005 at 10:38 PM
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jems--cool,
we're emotional twins! Uh...maybe not so cool considering...
Why are you unstable right now?
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:16 PM
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mapet--
yeah...but we do the best we can do at any given moment.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:15 PM
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Frallen--
thank you for sharing your perspective!
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:14 PM
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Lizzy--
good philosophy, thanks for sharing.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:13 PM
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bettyboop--never too late to throw it back--what if you have eaten it already?
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:12 PM
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Factor,
thanks. I'll not give up trying to knock down all of the walls.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:11 PM
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wiley--
you present some interesting food for thought---I'll think on it some, okay?
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:10 PM
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I won't say much here because I am emotionally unstable at the moment . . .
Though our experiences are a bit different, what you said in this post describes me to a "T." The fortress, the writing . . . everything. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
posted by
Jemmie211
on July 13, 2005 at 9:49 PM
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Quirky
Thanks again for sharing. I will admit I sometimes hold on to those bad moments for a bit too long
posted by
Mapet6
on July 13, 2005 at 6:23 PM
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Interesting
I agree that the past is not something that should competly define who you are. But also there is a point to the past. Whatever happened there is with you always. But it does not have to destroy who you can become.
I see the past as experince good or bad that prepares you for the future. The lessons that are learned there help you to deal with issues larg or small as you move forward with life. I say never forget the past, but do not forsake the futer because of focus on the past.
posted by
Frallen
on July 13, 2005 at 2:08 PM
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Very good post
Here's my take on the past. It's always good to learn from it. It's important to remember where you came from, what mistakes you made and not to repeat them and to even keep a journal. But once you've written it down and examined it, it's best to move on and not let it define who you are. Most of us want to progress and grow, so letting the past define you holds you back. Also, never let those who lived through your past with you keep you down by expecting you to be who you were in the past.
posted by
Narek
on July 13, 2005 at 1:46 PM
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Fishing Analogy
I agree that it is hard to learn to trust after enduring any type of hurt. But we do need others. Yet there is a fine balance we must find. We must also be able to do well enough on our own when there is no one to rely on but ourselves.
Life is a series of choices and chances. I'm not into fishing, but my dad is. Let me use a fishing analogy to illustrate what I mean. You keep throwing out the line until you catch one. Some fish will be bigger, some smaller. You can choose which ones to throw back and which you want to eat. Oh, and it's never too late to throw one back. Nor do you have to eat the whole thing if it tastes like crap. You can always go fishing again another day.
Be like the Cajuns and look forward to that next meal. Forget about the ones you finished eating.
posted by
bettyboop1967
on July 13, 2005 at 1:21 PM
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Good post Quirky-
You are a strong lady...although I am sure you don't feel that way always. It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to cope with things, what matters is trying to cope without giving up. You are doing great at breaking down that wall... letting us look in even if you cannot come all the way out yet.
posted by
FactorFiction
on July 13, 2005 at 1:20 PM
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Quirky
No those events should not shape or define you.
He was him you are you. The human brain is a complex organ as you well know. Why can it not be said that a neurotransmitter molecule caused some electrical malfunction which made your brother act as he acted.?
The same kind of electrical impulse in a neurotransmitter molecule could have caused the rapid growth of a brain tumour in my Joyce which killed her rather than made her kill someone esle.
Now, you had nothing to do with either event, and I have to ask why you would lock up the flower of your heart from the love in the world my friend.
I am happy we don't have the death penalty in Canada, because I sincerely believe that man will solve all the questions of brain malfuction by studying those with such disorders whom we haven't executed.
posted by
WileyJohn
on July 13, 2005 at 12:29 PM
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Symphony,
Well...we humans are all a "work" in progress, right? Thanks for your nice comment!
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 12:04 PM
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Chelly--
It's good to see you back! I put out the APB on you not too long ago, wondered where you ran off to. As for healing and surviving and all that, we do the best we are capable of at any given moment...at least your kids have a loving mother who wants the best for them, which not every child can say. Blessings to you.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 12:03 PM
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these two parts of your post - really spoke volumes to me!
because I am the exact same...
"I built a castle around my heart so protected that none would ever find their way in. There wasn't a soul on earth I trusted, save for my own. For how could I trust another, when I could not truly know what actions they might be capable of? I escaped into my writing, and words became cherished companions. Even today, words are my friends in ways that human beings have never been able to be."
"I think I still give the events of my past too much significance. They have shaped me, but should not define me."
******
I need to work on myself once again....thanks for writing this....this was written so very well.
posted by
_Symphony_
on July 13, 2005 at 11:55 AM
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No matter how much "help" we sometimes have, (My mom "helped"
me into a nuthouse when I was 14) it will never erase memories. I do believe we can heal, but really nothing can take away some things done and said and the hurt it caused. Of course it is a building block to what we are today. Be it good or bad. I have a constant ache for what taken away from me when I was little. Now I feel bad if I get on to my kids, thinking they might hurt for one little second or think I don't love them. I try to go overboard in NOT letting it define me, that it does that anyway. I wound up marrying someone just like my dad, and live like I said I would never live. Unloved and afraid. I have my kids, but look what I have put them through because of my past. It's a hard battle to fight, the past, but it is one I do daily so that my kids won't have to do the same. Good post, and sorry for your hurt. chelly
posted by
Kiddo75
on July 13, 2005 at 11:43 AM
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"Dr. Tim"--
I think I shall--thanks! I just wish I had an icon for a crazy lady kicking madly at a wall, to illustrate my resolve!! Oh, where is Mark2556 when I need him??
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 11:43 AM
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blackcat--
yes, the rewards of letting people "come in" are definitely worth the risk. Thanks again.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 11:40 AM
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Quirky
Kick a hole in the wall and step through........it's bright and sunny!!
posted by
TIMMYTALES
on July 13, 2005 at 11:36 AM
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Thanks! It's hard to take that next step and let people back in. When you let someone through the wall, you could be hurt again. But the heart is strong.... I think it's worth the risk.
posted by
-blackcat
on July 13, 2005 at 11:36 AM
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Hemlocker--
True...I should really say that I HATE what he did and what came after that. Someone told me that I have yet to get really angry at him, and that's probably true. But then the rest is my responsibility, and I must own my actions in how I've dealth with what he did. Thanks for your comment.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 11:35 AM
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"Dr. Tim--"
There is a good possibility you know what you are talking about!
I guess that's why I say I'm not sure if I am "done" or there is more healing--because I don't know what the next step would be, and so I remain in limbo.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 11:30 AM
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phillystales,
yes it holds them back, or they find a way to let go of it one way or the other.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 11:27 AM
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blackcat,
there's much wisdom in what you said--particularly that the walls may not ever come down completely. I have friends who say "I thought you knew me better than to accuse me of...such and such....you don't trust me, yada yada yada." And I have to say, No...way deep down, I don't trust
anyone...on the surface and in everyday life, yes I do trust a lot of people...but not way deep down.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 11:26 AM
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quirky
Perhaps "I don't like what my brother did" is not strong enough. What he did helped shatter your life, the residual effects from which you are only now recovering. I don't agree with some who say that we are in control of everything that happens to us, but I certainly agree that we can, with the necessary help and support, refuse to let our pasts define who we are today. Thanks for sharing your important insights. Hemlocker
posted by
Hemlocker
on July 13, 2005 at 11:19 AM
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QUIRKY
Words have become your friends because you can mold them, shape them into what suits you........you cannot do that with people. They also say what it is that you want to hear.
Perhaps you are healed and have been, but you do not know the next step to take after that, so you remain in a limbo state, deciding that you are not healed and ready to move on.
Just my observations........Dr. Tim
posted by
TIMMYTALES
on July 13, 2005 at 11:10 AM
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Very true. For some people the past holds them back. I have been guilty of that before!
posted by
PhillysTales
on July 13, 2005 at 11:10 AM
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I think that yes, the way we handle our past tragedies do shape the person that we eventually become. The heart is fragile, and it's only defense is to build a wall around it. Some walls are so thin, that they feel every pain of the world, unable to bear it (these usually need medication). Others walls are so thick that even a jackhammer couldn't get through (therapy or blogit! for these). I think over time, people will get through those thick walls again, but I'm not sure that they ever come down completely.
posted by
-blackcat
on July 13, 2005 at 11:07 AM
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Ms N--
and we can refine the choices or "coping mechanisms" and change them as we go along. I guess that is what I have been doing.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 11:02 AM
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Mayb--
Yes...like I said, everyone chooses a different path "after the fact" and that's more important than what actually happens. And...we can keep learning and growing and healing along the way no matter WHAT path we initially choose.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:59 AM
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Quirks
That is so true... I shudder to think who I would be if my definition was dependent upon my genes or environment growing up. There is no such thing as a product of environment or genes We all make choices... even our very genetics can be finagled to a degree. Just look at Michael Jackson - yes I know his great defense was he is a product of his environment. Let us remember - he has created a whole new environment for himself - a much more bizarre environment that his parents could ever have done!
posted by
Transcendental_Child
on July 13, 2005 at 10:55 AM
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Those events should not define you but they couldn't fail to change you and that would have been the case even if you had therapy at the time when you most needed it. I guess it is a matter of learning to live with the you that you become after such events.
posted by
Azur
on July 13, 2005 at 10:46 AM
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Thanks scoopster!
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:39 AM
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mmm-w--
First, thanks for your kind words. Second, your comment tells me that you DO understand it all perfectly. It makes me feel good to not feel so alone.
posted by
Julia.
on July 13, 2005 at 10:38 AM
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Quirky very good post and some great writing
posted by
scoop
on July 13, 2005 at 10:33 AM
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very well written, my friend....... very well written and i agree.... it definatly shapes us, those past events as well as the way they made us feel... but they can not define us and for us to concede to that is just as victimizing. we must survive outside of those walls used to "protect" is.... i did that too. "split", hid... felt i was "safer". illusions.... it is only us inflicting a different form of abuse on ourself....
again, very well written!
posted by
mmm-w
on July 13, 2005 at 10:19 AM
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