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Quirky
Thanks for the idea. I may do that sometime, but for now i'll leave those posts tucked safely away in their old place in my least-read blog. It was nice just to get it out, even if I had let them rot here in Microsoft Word. And a few people did read them and leave comments.
posted by
Holy_Grail
on July 28, 2004 at 4:47 PM
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T99, yeah, you are right. Every single person on the planet could be
homicidal, for that matter--and we can't know, because the only person who can see into their heart, 100%, is them. Thanks for commenting again.
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:16 AM
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man-boy, I am truly, deeply touched by your words. What a
beautiful soul you are. You can "post" to my comments anytime!
posted by
Julia.
on July 27, 2004 at 8:13 AM
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Quirky Alone.
Cosmos Laundry serves the same functions for me. I have lived with myself, hidden from others because the conditions of my early life caused me to belief I was ugly, and bad to the bone. Only by doing extraordinary things could I get approval. I learned very quickly though that life returned to judging and fear when the accomplishments were a few days old. I couldn't keep it all up. So I withdrew. I shuddered when I first read your post about you brother. But I knew immediately that you still love him and always have. I lost some people close to me through suicide and I was scared to think too deeply about them because of 'Christian' condemnation of suicide. I am over that now and I now believe they are part of the eternal fabric that we will all return to some day. I don't want to post to your comments but I do wish that we could some day have a cup of tea together and cry on each others shoulders for love lost, love wasted, and most of all for love so acutely felt that it will last forever. Take care.
posted by
man-boy
on July 27, 2004 at 8:06 AM
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"So then how can you say I should not need to come to terms with being his sister?? Yes, he did those things and not me--but I am the one still here, still dealing with the reactions of people who could question whether or not I might be homicidal. "
We could all be homicidal. Being on the receiving end of fear doesn't make it your issue if you're innocent. Be yourself, embrace your goodness and innocence, and let the rest of us deal with our own demons.
--T99
posted by
Tamara99
on July 26, 2004 at 9:47 PM
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"T99, I am somewhat distressed by your truthfulness, but only
because I know in my heart I could never be what my brother was. "
....as I would be somewhat distressed by yours if we knew each other in real life.
But others cannot see your heart....just as you did not know your brother's dark secret until it was too late, there exists the possibility that no matter how well we know you, you could still be hiding a similar nature. It doesn't mean you are - it just means for our own protection that we need to be aware/careful/wary.
What he took from you with his actions was 'the benefit of the doubt' or a second chance. It's fear and prejudice, plain and simple. It may not be right. It may not be logical. But it's a little psychological red flag there saying "Danger Will Robinson".
--T99
posted by
Tamara99
on July 26, 2004 at 9:43 PM
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harveyg, there really are an awful lot of caring people
inhabiting this strange little digital village.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 8:48 PM
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Obviously . . .
your readership has not declined.
We do enjoy the frivolous stuff but, judging from what I've seen here, we very much want to be a part of each other's lives and, from that privilidged position, help each other out -- where we can. This is the most genuinely caring, supportive group I've ever seen.
posted by
HarveyG
on July 26, 2004 at 8:23 PM
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Kay-Ren, think away, but be careful not to strain your brain.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 7:48 PM
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Tapsel-T, thank you.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 7:46 PM
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Personal Things
Because some of the only things worth writing about are intensely personal.
posted by
Curly-Jo
on July 26, 2004 at 6:37 PM
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This post and all the comments have given me a LOT to think about. I really liked how Shadow put it, that it is easier to write a letter to someone then to write what is in your head. Thanks.
posted by
Kay-Ren
on July 26, 2004 at 6:06 PM
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Quirky -
This post was very well written. As you can see from all the comments, it makes one want to respond to you with sympathy, empathy, understanding and support.
posted by
TAPS.
on July 26, 2004 at 5:40 PM
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Quirk,
O.K. I have a e-mail to write anyway. Talk to ya later. shadow.
posted by
Keshet
on July 26, 2004 at 5:36 PM
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Oh Holy One, why don't you go back and break that long post up,
and repost it? Same with the other one. Not many people read the posts when you are brand new, so there is value in reposting. (as long as it still interests you to think about it and talk about it, that is)...
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 5:36 PM
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Shadow, I've got to get out of here for a bit before I go crazy,
but I will be back soon and will read your posts then. Love, J
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 5:29 PM
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I can relate
Even though it's not on the same scale as what you've dealt with in regard to your brother, I came here originally to "confess" I suppose. My first post was way too long, but it was the first time I've really expressed my thoughts on my father's death. And my second was about a broken relationship from which I'm still trying to recover. Something for which I could easily be judged, but I wrote it anyway. Not too many people read or commented on either of them, but that wasn't the point. The point was that I needed to get it out.
posted by
Holy_Grail
on July 26, 2004 at 5:27 PM
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T99, I am somewhat distressed by your truthfulness, but only
because I know in my heart I could never be what my brother was. It was not in his environment, nor do I believe it was inherited. Do I know for certain? No, but I do know an awful lot about myself and what I could or could not do. So for someone to say they'd have issues with someone like me telling them this story personally, and having issues with working alongside that person, it is very distressing. Again, that guilt (or suspicion) by association rears its ugly head. So then how can you say I should not need to come to terms with being his sister?? Yes, he did those things and not me--but I am the one still here, still dealing with the reactions of people who could question whether or not I might be homicidal.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 5:25 PM
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Quirky
Computer problems again. Anyway got the poem done and a post on LOVE! Well my version of it that is. heehee shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 26, 2004 at 5:21 PM
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"nevertheless," you said "logic never made irrational worries vanish"
and this is so true. You cannot "make" yourself think something just because you want to or it is better for you. Thanks for commenting!
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 5:16 PM
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Talion is right - it's easier to be sympathetic because we don't have to evaluate an intimate relationship with you. For example - I work alone in a large building with one other person for 8-10 hours at a time. If *that* person were to tell me someone in their family had committed a violent crime, I'd have issues with that, so I definitely see where you are coming from.......and why you've held it in all these years.
If we're wrong, and you *are* psycho, there are fewer consequences. We don't know what makes someone homicidal, and you did grow up in the same environment he did. Were the seeds that were planted in him planted in you? We don't know. But because we're online, we can more safely presume your innocence.
One thing - you spoke about coming to terms with being a serial killer's sister. No one would be "okay" with that. Put the label on him, not you. Your brother was a killer. But that's not who you are. Just be you. That's all you have to come to terms with.
--T99
posted by
Tamara99
on July 26, 2004 at 4:10 PM
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sorta related
I pretty much started bloggin b/c its an outlet for things I'm afraid to tell most people. You see, I have all these ideas and thoughts and memories and a lot of people don't know I have them. I worry that if they knew they would think I was crazy or dangerous, or not worth hanging out with. Logically I don't think so, but logic never made irrational worries vanish. I'm already opinionated--I want to be more outspoken. Most people around me don't know I'm opinionated until they really get to know me. It surprises them, sometimes delights them, but I am by nature a people pleaser and I test the waters inevitably before I plunge in. I want to get to a point where I am that confident, but I'm just not there yet. Maybe this is a step.
posted by
nevertheless
on July 26, 2004 at 2:33 PM
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Hannah B, I think every writer hopes to make an impact
on others, even if in a very miniscule way. It would be wonderful if my words here could do that for just one other. Thanks for commenting!
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 2:14 PM
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Quirky--
I think you are very brave and strong. Facing your demons, whether in a paper journal or here in a blog where others can read your words, it still takes courage. Perhaps, by putting them here where others can read them if they choose, you may touch someone else who needs to know that s/he is not the only one. Blessings and hugs to you, my friend.
posted by
Hannah_B
on July 26, 2004 at 10:52 AM
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shadow, don't keep me waiting for too long!!
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 10:37 AM
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RAD, I don't think he meant it to sound cold, I think I understand
what he was getting at. I think! Therefore I am!
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 10:19 AM
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Quirk,
Glad to help, now I've got a poem to write. Talk to ya later. shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 26, 2004 at 10:17 AM
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Talion, I thank you for that amazing and truthful response.
You are absolutely right on all counts. I guess the ultimate goal is complete healing, so I can get to the point where I can say, "I don't care what he did, and it makes no difference in terms of "who I am inside." I am still giving the events of my past too much significance. They have shaped me, but they should not define me. Thank you again for your incredible words.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 10:14 AM
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Talion
I suppose I understand your point, but it did sound rather cold the way you portrayed it...
posted by
Runs_at_dawn
on July 26, 2004 at 10:10 AM
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shadow, yes I see the distinction, thanks.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 10:10 AM
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Quirk
To be perfectly honest, telling the Blogit world isn't really telling anybody. We don't live in your neighborhood, we don't have to look you in the face, you don't have to work for us, and we don't have to work for you. As much as we can appreciate and deeply value the relationships we forge here, the distance still makes it somewhat hollow. Virtual strangers can be a lot more understanding. As long as I'm being honest, allow me to say that I don't care what your brother did. It sounds cruel, and maybe it is, but it's the truth. I don't like the idea of the pain it's caused you for the past thirty years and I hope you can purge it, but it doesn't, nor would it, bother me even if you lived next door. You don't owe me an explanation any more than I would have the right to demand one. If you feel you must write about this in order to ultimately complete your healing process (and I sincerely hope that is a goal that can be achieved), then by all means do so, but don't believe for a second you need my, or anyone else's approval. You don't. Do what needs to be done for yourself. You've suffered long enough.
posted by
Talion
on July 26, 2004 at 10:08 AM
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Quirk,
Right. See people see letters as a communication to a source. Journals and diaries are only thoughts that people wish to keep hidden until forced to reveal. Letters direct a focal point from the sender to the receiver to express either love, hate, indifference, ect. that sender wants everyone to know about. shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 26, 2004 at 10:06 AM
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shadow, that makes sense. I was trying to get someone to write a journal
because I felt it would really help them...but they just couldn't get into it. A letter might be different because it's less introspective.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 10:00 AM
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Quirk,
Sure I've been able to get non-writers to write as letters to the person who has made them upset. Rarely does a person get upset and there not be some individual involved. Just say act like you are sending the letter for real, then read it for mistakes. There are people who will refuse, yes, but its because they can't spell or write well. When you tell them write a letter, they seem to understand that better than keep a journal or diary about the events. go figure, guess its a direct challenge. shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 26, 2004 at 9:55 AM
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Wilds, I know, and I appreciate that about you. Very much.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 9:55 AM
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sassy, guilt by association doesn't really make sense and yet, it is a
real reaction. In fact, one blogger said "does anyone care that you may be homicidal?" which floored me because I have never ever thought for one second that I could be...
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 9:54 AM
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Talion, while I agree that it is the point, my deeply personal things I
speak of here, my experiences...perhaps go beyond that. Maybe not, maybe it's just that my feelings on this particular subject are so intense.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 9:52 AM
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Quirks
You're welcome. I'm nothing if not sincere.
posted by
Wildwoman_Laloba
on July 26, 2004 at 9:50 AM
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A big hug for you
I have many dirty little family secrets and I also feel guilty by association. It helps to talk with others about it. For me its like validation and a form of cheap therapy. Thanks for sharing with us. We still luvs ya!
posted by
Sherri_G
on July 26, 2004 at 9:48 AM
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Wilds, what a truly lovely thing to say. Thank you!
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 9:48 AM
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Vibrance, thank you.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 9:48 AM
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Quirk
Isn't that the point? If it's not personal, why would we care?
posted by
Talion
on July 26, 2004 at 9:47 AM
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Shadow, I agree. As a writer I find it easy and automatic to do, but have
you ever tried to convince a non-writer to do this? It's very hard for most of them, even though it would benefit them immensely to write stuff down.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 9:47 AM
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Quirks
It's cathartic. *hugs* I will always hold you in high esteem.
posted by
Wildwoman_Laloba
on July 26, 2004 at 9:44 AM
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Your writing
I like the personal. ~Love~ Vibrance
posted by
Vibrance
on July 26, 2004 at 9:39 AM
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Your writing
I like the personal. ~Love~ Vibrance
posted by
Vibrance
on July 26, 2004 at 9:39 AM
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I always found that writing any conflict out on paper a helpful step in releasing the anger, guilt, ect. Its a constructive move on your part to start the process of healing. After you write the words, then read them back to yourself, you have a solid object to study, not just the thoughts rambling around in your mind. Humans need solid material to accept the past or the present. For example a person going through a horrible divorce receives the actual divorce papers and then realizes they are finally divorced. Same concept as just writing down your thoughts. shadow
posted by
Keshet
on July 26, 2004 at 9:36 AM
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RAD, I agree, it can be very therapeutic for many different reasons.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 9:18 AM
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I completely understand
I often blog about my private stuff and I believe it is therapeutic
posted by
Runs_at_dawn
on July 26, 2004 at 9:07 AM
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Gheeghee, thanks, that's a thought worth hanging onto.
posted by
Julia.
on July 26, 2004 at 8:59 AM
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"confession is good for the soul...." Purging all that bad stuff will only make you stronger.......GG
posted by
Gheeghee
on July 26, 2004 at 8:42 AM
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