Today's Horoscope

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Aries Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident. Taurus Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist. Gemini This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Aries You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier. Taurus Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years. Gemini You will enjoy a brief moment of... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Aries Though you've been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn't kill you, the coroner's report will contain evidence to the contrary. Taurus You're in for an unpleasant surprise when you break society's unwritten rule against murder. Gemini Gemini969 World Series MVP Donn Clendenon would... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Aries At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic. Taurus Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers. Gemini All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Aries You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain. Taurus To be Number One, you must be willing to make sacrifices. Do not, however, deny yourself the taste of fresh creamery butter. Gemini Begin your life-long quest for... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Aries Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer. Taurus Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once. Gemini You can drag yourself out of the financial... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Aries Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him. Taurus Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield. Gemini In the end, it... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Aries You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash. Taurus Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep. Gemini You will become sterile this... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Aries I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands! Taurus That dog is so stupid, I swear it's gotta be the stupidest animal I've ever known. Gemini Will you please shut that damn dog up? That damn mangy thing is driving me batty.... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Aries It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement. Taurus The meaning of your existence will be revealed in Omar Sharif's bridge column one year from today. Gemini You finally get your dream job this week, as the stars all see to it that the other applicants have... Sign in to see full entry.

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