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I had the same experience, twice. With my sister, who was only 47, and then my mom. They both died at their own homes, in their own beds, and in my arms. They had both made requests that were honored. It's true that cancer is devasting, but it also gives one time to plan, and to say all that you want to say before the last goodbye. 

posted by adnohr on July 5, 2011 at 6:58 PM | link to this | reply

My grandmother was taken from her to live with one of her daughters! She became ill and was hospitalized and she was so distraught that she would never see her home in the U.P. of Michigan that she pulled out her IV's over and over until she ceased to live! She was taken back to the UP to be buried! So sad!

posted by sam444 on July 4, 2011 at 2:46 PM | link to this | reply

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Although the most difficult thing I had to do in life thus far because I was alone with my mother with very little help, I at least had support in that nobody fought my mom's wish to die. As a nurse, I see time and time again family members that go against the wishes of their loved one's perhaps out of their own need to hang on. Letting go is the most difficult thing to do. I will forever remember the doctor that stood by my mother and I. A doctor I had not met in person until six months after she died. I looked for him one day at the hospital, found him and shook his hand and was compelled to give him a heartfelt embrace. All I needed to say was thank you. His warm brown eyes were full of compassion and complete understanding ... I am eternally grateful and I am certain my mother, from wherever she is watching, is as well.

Thank you for reading and responding. I agree that each person knows what is best. Sometimes, as we know, illnesses affect a person's ability to make decisions in the end so it is so very important to know their wishes by listening to them during their lifetime. Just listening .....

posted by Dark_Dreamer on July 4, 2011 at 10:02 AM | link to this | reply

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Wow what a story! So sad. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me (us). With the experience with my mother I looked at it as a blessing and she did to. Although it was a very emotional time and filled with much suffering in terms of pain both physical and mental we walked the walk with dignity. There reached a time however, that she decided it was time to let go. She talked up until the day the died - her body failed her but her mind was present the entire time. That made things so very hard. She was young and had so much left to do and see. I made her a promise though and that promise was to follow through with all of her wishes. One of those wishes was to have a lethal dose of morphine administered. I kicked and screamed in my mind as I pleaded with doctors on the phone to have this wish honoured. Because she was at home she was far removed from the daily hospital visits by physicians. Her oncologist was on vacation when I phoned on her day (May 27th), so I called the emerg department and demanded I speak with a doctor that would "help us". I waited on the phone after speaking with a nurse for 30 min until my salvation said hello to me on the other end. I suppose the nurse relayed my story to this doctor and the first words that left his lips were, "are you ready to lose your mother". I replied, "we are both ready...". Within three hours a new nurse arrived at my mother's door because her regular nurse did not agree with "the situation" and the morphine was injected. She past away an hour after pointing at my bright orange tee-shirt with a large picture of Che Guevara's face, saying "I love your shirt".

Obviously there is far more to this story ...

I appreciate your sharing and I thank you. Dying with cancer is excruciating but it allows for goodbyes and for that I can appreciate it. It somehow gives you that little extra time but that time is very trying if anything. That is when the guts of life are exposed ... the down and dirty ... the realness of everything.

posted by Dark_Dreamer on July 4, 2011 at 9:47 AM | link to this | reply

I say that the person knows best what they want...Thankfully I have never been in either position as that of a person dying or that of the family having to make a decision.

posted by FormerStudentIntern on July 4, 2011 at 9:45 AM | link to this | reply

 Bless you DDreamer - - You're a faithful loving daughter...and yes I do have a similar story --- of my mother and then my mother in law's death.  My mother had a very strong will - I listened to everything she wanted and tried my best to honor; but there were many in my family that tried to get involved.  Oh she finally was able to breathe her last breath - (after my kiss) alone - finally, free from 'pain' (her crippled and twisted legs were now straight) and I know with God - and my mother-in-law was a retired nurse.  She was 87 - I went with her through lympathic cancer, treatments and then, she did not allow me to escort her back to her home in Florida.  She knew - she had gotten everything in order prior months ~ and one day, after a swim with her little Lady friends...she went upstairs to her condo and 'locked' and bolted the door - which was not her style (she allowed friends and relatives to come in and check on her frequently)...A day later - with her not appearing to join in group activities  and right before my phone call to check in - we (my husband and I) received a call from a very concerned group of friends and then, our nephew who was able to get in by breaking in --- The authorities and soon coroner was called - she had died due to heart attack - and was laid across the bed, I was told - preparing to go to bed; with the phone near her (as if she was going to make a call)...You know, I received a birthday card from her on my birthday that year (she was always on time)  She had died 3 days before my birthday but had made certain this card got in the mail and it shared so much in Love that she never said the entire time we knew one another - Yes, I know of this - I believe in dignity and honor and 'rights' for us all.  Thank you Dark Dreamer - And again, bless your heart ~  Elyse

posted by elysianfields on July 3, 2011 at 8:58 PM | link to this | reply