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Big heart is more of what the world needs now! Hugs!
posted by
KaBooM62
on January 22, 2010 at 9:28 PM
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Troosha, you are right on all points.
The main one being until my anger is cooler, it is better to keep the distance and boundaries fully intact.
posted by
Ciel
on January 12, 2010 at 11:25 AM
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Thanks, abanerjee, for the comment and compliments
The most challenging situations hold the potential, of the most learning. And the more we own responsibility, the more power we have over our own lives. Though how much power we should or can have in that regard is debatable!
posted by
Ciel
on January 12, 2010 at 11:24 AM
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Ciel
No question he'll turn it around and be quite emphatic that he was doing you a big favour. I've been there. But I also understand that once you anger simmers down you'll invite him back into your home.
posted by
Troosha
on January 12, 2010 at 8:02 AM
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Ciel
There is a lot of the lessons of life to be learnt in this excellent post, Ciel, and it is that once you make a choice in life, there arises occasions when one has to own it all up and despite the anger, justifiable, of course, it does have to be reconciled in 'yes, I am responsible', which you have done so gracefully and tellingly in the last line.
posted by
anib
on January 11, 2010 at 7:47 PM
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Naut, as ever, I appreciate the thoughtful quality of your response--
Indeed I did make a choice, a commitment to this man, and it is a difficult one to live up to sometimes, hard to know how to actually help him make whatever progress he is going to make in this life, once enabling is off the table. It took a long time to reach that understanding, that my hope for him to learn from rewards was futile, that giving him a break was to him, being given a solution.
I have to respectfully disagree with the premise that one ever gives up that 'right' to anger: sometimes it is entirely the correct response. It is honest, sincerely felt, and the truth. But anger out of control is never a good response, rarely helpful.
Anger is what you get from running people over, taking advantage, ignoring boundaries. It is a consequence, and I will not protect him from it. That is what he is experiencing now: consequences. But to rail at him, to demand he be other than what he is... to put him so totally into a defensive spin that all he can think about is flight, this will not help him nor will it help me. And if that is what you mean by anger, then I agree with you, that kind of anger is not a right, and rarely anything but destructive.
Not everyone gets why I don't have that kind of anger here.
And I will be circumspect: I will not forget that he makes his own rules, and has less respect for boundaries than one assumes everyone has. This is what I forgot. I should have made sure of the doors. I should not have trusted him to be other than he is.
posted by
Ciel
on January 11, 2010 at 7:34 PM
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mneme, sometimes knowing a person like this is a course in compassion and
insight. I have learned a lot about myself through this relationship, and especially alot about loving.
When he and I began, I was very damaged, too, though in other ways. It is my good luck that I am much more able to learn and grow from my mistakes. Though some would argue, not so much!
I have to say, the anguish over this man is long past. Once I learned that we must accept people as they are if we will have them in our lives, and quit needing him to be something more like my ideal, it became a problem of simply keeping safe distances when needed.
posted by
Ciel
on January 11, 2010 at 7:20 PM
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TAPS,
You are quite right, I am disappointed. But not probably in as much pain as he is, because I have other friends, a warm enough house, a thousand more opportunities than he does. And after all this time, I am pretty well protected against emotional pain. Even the anger is not as intense as it used to be. As you say, it is mostly disappointment at the ground we have lost.
posted by
Ciel
on January 11, 2010 at 7:15 PM
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Re: He will not go to shelters
He doesn't like the people in them. He feels unsafe around them. Ironic, isn't it...?
I have watched his long long process of learning from his mistakes. The first thing is for him to realize it was a mistake. His. He learns slowly, but he has learned a thing or two since I have known him.
posted by
Ciel
on January 11, 2010 at 7:12 PM
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Ciel
This is the second time I read this. The first time I was angry, not as angry as you, I'm sure, but angry nonetheless, for I hate it when people exploit someone's trust. And the cynic in me responded to your story with "No good deed ever goes unpunished!" Which I didn't leave as a comment then, because I felt it wouldn't be helpful. And it still isn't helpful, which is why I am not not leaving just that.
All I can say now is that I hope your anger will subside soon! For I have the sense that long ago you have made a choice; and in making that choice you knowingly and willingly gave up the 'right' to be angry with this man, but events can make us forget things...
In future, be circumspect, so that he will not be able to make you forget again...
posted by
Nautikos
on January 11, 2010 at 6:18 PM
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Ciel, your compassion and anguish are both plain to see.. he is so lucky to have a friend like you and he would do well to realise that. I identify so well with your observation that the man "is a wonder of rationale and self-justification as many alcoholics are." You find yourself believing it too, when you live with it and don't recognise it for what it is. As so often, you express with sympathy some profound insights...!
posted by
mneme
on January 11, 2010 at 4:12 PM
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How disappointing for you. I'm sorry that you have been hurt.
Your loving generosity has been taken advantage of and caused you more pain
than he will have at the temporary loss of your friendship.
posted by
TAPS.
on January 11, 2010 at 3:19 PM
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wow - this guy really abused his friendship with you. Can he stay in a shelter? I feel your frustration; your trust was betrayed, and it's always tough to second guess what to do in the future. Has he learned a lesson or his he even intellectually capable of doing that? Quite the story, Ciel.....Mal
posted by
gapcohen
on January 11, 2010 at 1:25 PM
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