Go to Elinjo's World
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- Go to The world is my oyster (re-write of first chapter)
These two are very, very different. The second story seems more in depth.
posted by
yellowrose55
on July 31, 2009 at 9:51 PM
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I like the second one also, but was surprised by the ending
posted by
Lanetay
on June 12, 2009 at 5:04 AM
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Re:
Thanks for the advice which I have partially accepted. Since I wrote the first version Sarah's character and potential have changed....
posted by
elinjo
on June 11, 2009 at 2:21 AM
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Re:
Thanks Shelly! Well I've rewritten it once again.
posted by
elinjo
on June 11, 2009 at 2:18 AM
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I havent read this before I started late in the story but I lose interest so I think I will take a few days to read but I will read
posted by
Lanetay
on June 10, 2009 at 10:36 PM
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I like the second as well.
posted by
FormerStudentIntern
on June 10, 2009 at 4:00 PM
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I agree
I agree with Shelly; i like the second, although the first also is a powerful read. Keep at it.
posted by
Hackthorne19
on June 10, 2009 at 3:47 PM
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I think the second version is wonderful! I love the power of a rewrite! Shelly
posted by
sam444
on June 10, 2009 at 6:56 AM
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I think I prefer the second one which was very powerful - but shocking - at the end. However, I also like the character sketch of Sarah (the excitement and pride in her achievement), the snippets like - just struggling through the eye of a needle - and the compassion of Brenda. I feel I know them a bit, whereas in the second one, if I hadn't read the first one, I wouldn't have known anything about the girl who jumped/was pushed in front of the train. How about combining the two???
posted by
Rockingrector_retd
on June 10, 2009 at 6:07 AM
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Re: The second version feels much more immediate and relatable.
Thank you Pat! That is precisely the type of honest feed-back that helps! I'll see if I condense it a bit then.
posted by
elinjo
on June 10, 2009 at 4:56 AM
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Re: I prefer the way the second one unfolds
Yes, Azur thank you it does help! I'll go through it once again.
posted by
elinjo
on June 10, 2009 at 4:53 AM
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The second version feels much more immediate and relatable.
The first feels Victorian, distant. The second version could be condensed a bit and get to the protagonist a little sooner. Showing the miserable nature of the average guy, self-absorbed and all, was effective. It would work even better if we were sympathetic to the poor girl before we got to him. Now if I could just do this with my own work.
posted by
Pat_B
on June 10, 2009 at 4:19 AM
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I prefer the way the second one unfolds
leaving me to wonder why someone who is clearly loved might want to die. However, there is far too much scene setting and back story. you don't need to give a long winded description of the tube. jump right into the narrative with characters, and their actions. Hope that helps
posted by
Azur
on June 10, 2009 at 4:04 AM
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