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Mneme… naturally I can only offer my empathy as I don’t walk in your shoes and couldn’t possibly know how you feel – scared, jilted, confused, torn (a myriad of emotions, I suspect, given what you’ve shared with us). Perhaps, though, it’s a time in your life to consider “you” – not you with him or you with your husband - just “you”. I know this is easier said than done and clearly your heart has been broken but there is always a flicker within us that, if nurtured, will become a flame once again. My heart goes out to you….
posted by
Troosha
on March 28, 2009 at 8:11 AM
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This is so sad indeed! It is so tough to give all and then be left standing alone! I think the most difficult part is our own egress! I know there are better days ahead for you and I will include you in my prayers for you deserve great happiness! sam
posted by
sam444
on March 28, 2009 at 5:44 AM
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Re:
Thank you for the hug Taps, and for seeing that.
posted by
mneme
on March 27, 2009 at 9:46 PM
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Thank you for the hug. I'm sending one back to you. I wish that it could make everything all right for you again. But the hugs you really need are from someone else.
posted by
TAPS.
on March 27, 2009 at 8:39 PM
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Re: mn
Sometimes I'm angry ... and I'm sure you see this is part of the 'processing' of what's happened... all I know is, he was the one. My estranged husband was the kind of person capable of driving me to distraction, so much so that he still reduces me to tears over the way he hurt me over the years and
especially once I attempted to leave him because someone else offered me more love and respect. I had enormous decisions to make, given my ties to my home country.
I have never once become even annoyed with this man, except when we have been parted. During those times, his own (understandable) insecurities were directed at me, putting me in a position of defending myself.
Both are of a controlling nature; the one very forcefully so, the other wanting, above all, personal respect and mutuality - which I suppose means minding the ps and qs, making sure I tell him what I'm thinking all the time - easy when we were together, not so easy when he is making assumptions and judgments about me, my actions or inactions, my motivations and my doubts, and about who I am.
This whole mess has meant that I have been left to exist in a state of limbo, and in recovery (I don't know how long for). I am neither one thing nor the other.
Not married, not divorced. Not with anyone - however crazy-making - not happy alone. Not restricted (except financially), yet not free. My heart belongs to him. Always will. At my time of life, having been offered a second chance at happiness and then to have had that offer withdrawn, just as I took the final steps to sever a toxic relationship, has rocked me to the core. I doubt I will ever trust anyone that way again. We none of us have unlimited capacity to mend, and I don't know how to even begin to.
To cap it all, my husband wants to try again and to just put all the (abusive) past behind us. He has done nothing concrete, in all this chaotic spiral, about himself or his own responsibility in what transpired. If he is not mentally or cognitively impaired in some way , then he is just someone who can't control his temper. So I have to do it for him by keeping him on an even keel. And I would have to live with the knowledge that he was the reason I was too scared to just leave. No one in our circle is aware of that fact. It cost me someone I love. Everyone has limits. My husband pushed this man beyond his, through his manipulative and abusive hold on me. And yet there are times when I feel so drained, emotionally and in practical terms, that I wake and send him a text telling him just that - that he hasn't done anything about himself and that it is no use expecting me to commit to anything before he does so.
I wish I knew what to do.
posted by
mneme
on March 27, 2009 at 6:41 PM
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Re: mn
I don't think you ever get over it Troosha, not really... you just live with it. This was and is my worst nightmare. I gave up everything for him.
posted by
mneme
on March 27, 2009 at 6:08 PM
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Absolutely beautiful! Well done...
posted by
Kayzzaman
on March 27, 2009 at 8:43 AM
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mn
Wow – that certainly describes the process of getting over someone!!! It’s no easy task, that’s for sure.
posted by
Troosha
on March 27, 2009 at 7:57 AM
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