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Re: dearest I have such sad feelings I share with you.
Dear Kabu, I understand that so well. It comes as an enormous shock to be treated in this way. You push it down, because if you acknowledge it, it puts you on the floor emotionally and you can't function. It is all noise, he won't do anything to anyone else, just does it to scare me. Just to control me. He is all about his own distress, and yet my son says he is fine.
Yours and Wiley's kind comments made me cry. I had the opportunity once, coming up to three years ago. I had left him. I was so confused by his distress. Next minute he would be threatening and roaring. I was too scared by then to openly see my kind man. He has messed me around too. I waited for him, he couldn't wait for me. I did it to myself twice, didn't I...
posted by
mneme
on February 23, 2009 at 1:22 AM
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dearest I have such sad feelings I share with you.
Did we really, could we truly, ever love these men, these husbands?
I know with me it was getting caught up in to something very powerful and strong too big for me to fight. And you know love he broke my treasures, he threatened to ruin my name and break up my family and he carried out all his threats. He spat on me called me the worst names broke more things, had me on my knees begging but still I got free. I looked at him one day when the tirade started and I just told him I wanted a divorce and I was leaving that day.I rang for a flight to my son in the country, and I rang my son, all with him standing there. I left that day and didn't go back. It has been awful but the divorce was not expensive really or difficult. One year from the date of leaving him and I could start proceedings. I didn't even have to go to court. My lawyer did everything. In Australia as you will know that's all it takes and he can't stop the divorce.
Is it any wonder that I adore our Wiley so much. Good luck dear and we are here for you. You are not alone.
posted by
Kabu
on February 22, 2009 at 10:11 PM
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mneme
I read your comment back to my comment and I have to add this one thing. Because of my experiences in life, especially with regard to divorce, law, marriage and threatening remarks from person, I must point out that you have LEGAL responsibility to file a statement with the police, that your husband has made such remarks as he will 'Get Him' and notarize the statement if you have to. You may very well be helping your husband by doing that and at the very least you will be doing something for yourself............
posted by
WileyJohn
on February 22, 2009 at 9:48 PM
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mac
neither do I ... and I do appreciate your thoughts, thank you so much.
posted by
mneme
on February 22, 2009 at 3:15 PM
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mneme
Hi Lass. I've been following your compelling posts, as always, but I haven't made any comments recently. I've started a few, but deleted them as I realised that anything I wrote in support would be trite in comparison to the tortures you've been going through. I don't know how you do it, but keep doing it.
posted by
johnmacnab
on February 21, 2009 at 5:26 AM
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my hair stand on end
i cannot, even for a moment, pretend to know what you are going through, but if i were to take your place and imagine what would be had i to go through all of this, my goodness, i shudder. May God be with you and take you away from this test, your hand held in his.
as for dealing with an ex-'close' at work, it is amazing how detachment comes to the rescue of even the most attached among us. from all that i've read in your posts, you are more strong-willed than you readily take credit for- i think you know that. All the very best. 
posted by
bythewindowsill
on February 20, 2009 at 11:06 PM
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Re: mneme
My work is literature research Troosha and I will be based there until the finances are sorted out so that I can make my home in and take my work back to the UK. Son lives there with his father but not at same workplace.
posted by
mneme
on February 19, 2009 at 9:22 AM
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mneme
It’s not easy being the middleman – I know, I’ve been there – keeping peace between a spouse and a teen. You get the brunt of two people’s anger or frustration and never really make any progress. I’m so glad to hear you’ll be seeing your son soon. I think you’ll surprise yourself at how well you can do the colleague thing – just focus on the work, not what you once shared. You might even find yourself noticing that he’s not a perfect as you thought he was. And I’m confused… are you going back to where you ex lives in order to return to work?
posted by
Troosha
on February 19, 2009 at 8:35 AM
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Re: Re: Wiley, Kabu and Neil,
Thank you Neil.. this is a testing time, and I am finding it hard. I just want him back. Not easy going through this alone with no one to hold me when I cry.. which of course I wouldn't be doing if I had my 'someone' to hold me... the eternal paradox, ice and fire, Dante's second circle of Hell. I picture before me now his gentle ways and just miss him.
posted by
mneme
on February 19, 2009 at 2:52 AM
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Re: Wiley, Kabu and Neil,
You are part of God's miracle of Love, even when we are hurting lie there is no Heaven, only Hell. To survive those depths is - for my all-loving Jesus Christos - to go to hell for humanity/family/someone here, and then return whole. You are not only reborn, you are being rebirthed into a Lamb of God on a Cross. (What brought me to Christ was not the fact He died for my sins, but the way in which he died on the Cross, abandoned by most of the 12 disciples, then denied ... the passion of God comes throug compassion - even for your undersving husband). The Book of Ecclesisates says Love keeps no record of wrongs! Right ON
posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on February 19, 2009 at 2:42 AM
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I forgot to say
the citations on forgiveness are from R T Kendall's Total Forgiveness, pp 19-25. There is more to be written and yesterday I was at the point of his second dictum: a choice to keep no record of wrongs. I actually did this many years ago. What I found was, where the wrongs only changed in form, the pattern remained the same. I don't need to keep examples, only five or so were needed for the court. I still don't know if I am ready to go through with this.
posted by
mneme
on February 19, 2009 at 2:32 AM
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Wiley, Kabu and Neil,
You are all so kind. I woke in the early hours struggling with the grief of losing this man, who emails that he wishes me every happiness ... all except one, to be with him. Every complication (things he now cites as being 'too complicated') could have been worked through with time... we had the rest of our lives. I let him overcome my doubts - the Christian marriage ethic thing, not that I didn't have grounds for an annulment but I couldn't even leave, let alone get a divorce. The annulment would have been to free me to marry in church. To tell me now that, after I left and he was again alone, he couldn't get past some of the problems he saw in the relationship, nearly killed me. Some uncertainties and stresses kept him awake at night, once I had gone, and in answer to my question whether they would have done that if I had been there beside him, he said that they would have. I fell apart again yesterday, hearing that.
I had to leave the country to separate from an unstable person and to file for divorce. This same person, only this weekend when we discussed this, still tells me he will 'get him' one day... which is just the way he kept me from moving out. It is also what has kept me in a state of mental paralysis regarding drafting a petition. No matter what I write, he will deny it and has threatened to contest it. And go after someone who is no longer in the picture, hasn't been for a long long time.
I have been guilty only of trying to protect the people I love, including protecting my unwell husband from himself. Adultery is a moot point; when does a marriage become not a marriage (other than in legal terms) and where do you draw the line in the sand. Too easy for the pious to condemn. Loving someone doesn't mean you can live with them, and forgiveness* does not preclude: disapproval of what was done; making excuses (I am very guilty of that); justifying what was done; pardoning it; reconciliation (definitely not reconciliation); denying what was done; being blind to what happened (Puritan 'overly scrupulous conscience');forgetting ('the only way back to sanity is to try to remember everything - in detail'); refusing to take the wrong seriously; or pretending that we are not hurt. Forgiveness is, meanwhile, 'being fully aware of what someone did and still forgiving them.'# I can forgive my husband; he is who he is. I lived with him long enough to recognise that this anger is not because I make him angry, it is because I am not doing what I have generally done - giving in and keeping the peace. While inwardly hurting, so much so that I am still finding it come out in counselling. He hurt me, and he did it for years. If at any time I didn't want to just give way in something that mattered to me, I was causing trouble.
That 'spirit' my sister talked about, which I find too aggressive for my liking, flashed forth just once, when I was being second-guessed and misjudged by my then future husband. He didn't like that. I think I know why and it is not to do with me, per se. We all must own and defeat our own demons, and isn't it funny it is so much easier to write about this than to talk it through with the person who hurt you. Face to empathetic face I will cry when I consider these things. Face to very much loved face I would never have got angry with him. The circle leads back to my unwell husband who, if he doesn't believe what I tell him about things that have happened, is sicker than he made me.
posted by
mneme
on February 19, 2009 at 2:25 AM
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mneme
I have just started catching up with you, and have read the last 5 blogs without commenting because I didn't want to lose my train for thought.
Well my goodness, I read your post before this to Kabu because it could have been herself doing the writing. She has lived all that you've lived one way or another and I am so happy I found her.
You have great courage, as does any woman trying to move into a life of light instead of slavery and darkness. Kabu had a threatening kind of husband as well, but we have pretty well moved through most of the difficult stuff. We are simply waiting for immigration to give her Permanent Residency with me as her sponsor and then we can be married.
I am sorry you had a love and he decided to make a run for it rather than live the love with you. He seems, 'One who in a perilous emergency thought with his legs' (BIERCE)!!!!
Never mind luv, there is a God and you will be led to that very spot you need to be in. I lived alone for over 7 years after my wife died, and I can tell you sincerely, God got me through the grief to this new life with Kabu.
He will get you throught the tough times as well luv..............
posted by
WileyJohn
on February 18, 2009 at 9:52 PM
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I've just been browsing through your posts. Are we twins?
Only difference is that Wiley turned out to be what I had spent my life needing and searching for and I am truly blessed despite family criticism and anger and lies. Keep on brave girl. Follow your own path and be free as I am free.
posted by
Kabu
on February 18, 2009 at 9:48 PM
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We are all rpoud of U. No parent is ever perfect, but kids can tell when
love is mixed in with advice/criticism ... I agree with U that QUIET and quietness is not the SAME AS PEACE! I know U will reassert your own validation of YOU ... your self-respect comes from knowing the soul/spirit. your inner self, which is part of God, in that Heavenly Father's/Parent's image. God bless U richly.
posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on February 18, 2009 at 8:20 PM
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