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Hi Marie-Claire,
I must go back and check, and I will get hold of it. Meanwhile I have just got another - "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" which asks some pretty tough questions about your relationship, and tells you that, in the research, most people were either happier that they left, or happier that they stayed, depending on the answers to the questions. I have had so little control all these years that his nonsense is really pissing me off. All the time there is this hurt little boy - well, sorry.. it was his mother's job to bring him up (God rest her soul), not mine. Today he has told me if I'm the one who wants to break up, I have to get all the financial info together. And I will. He can't then accuse me of going behind his back. Bloody hell, I'm mad.. Tonight, he is all sweetness.. I wonder why???
I am so glad I joined blogit, I am meeting with so much common sense and shared experience.
posted by
mneme
on November 26, 2006 at 1:42 AM
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Troosha, I take your point,
but when it comes down to it and I am expected to 'roll over' in order to keep the peace, I wonder a bit who loves whom. It's not as though I haven't made the effort - special dinners for special birthdays, flowers and candles in the bedroom for anniversaries - it's just that it has pretty much been all one way. He can't expect to reverse so much neglect in just a few months. I am not an aggressive person, just ask my family. I am struggling to find some balance when this man, who unilaterally decided this was a better place to bring up kids (rather than our own country among extended family) while knowing how I felt about it and doing nothing to make up the shortfall, can still expect to command my affections when they are grown and I have nothing but uncertainty ahead - where they will live, where we'll be and so on. Alongside this, he is very unstable. I've more than done my share and I'm ready to walk, but he wants to control even that. I just want peace, but not at any price, and not at his price. I am supposed to be okay because that makes him happy.
I'm so sorry your comment bore the brunt of this - it wouldn't have mattered who made the comment, my day got off to a bad start again and I know the cost of keeping quiet. I may regret this response in the morning, but what the hell - you only have one life.
- Actually, this could have made another post - subtitle "Mneme gets angry: - you bet I do.
posted by
mneme
on November 26, 2006 at 1:33 AM
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Mneme, this type of situation, I am very familiar with.
There is only so much you can do, and you are already doing all the right things. Just know in yourself, that you can be at peace with your conscience, having tried all possible avenues to make things easier and more peaceful for yourself.
There is no cure for selfishness. Sure, you can set boundaries around you, but it still does not make life very pleasant for you.
"Love is kind, love is patient, love does not boast, love is not rude, love does not seek its own ways, and love covers a multitude of sins". You are getting a raw deal. You are strong and making a life for yourself, apart from this nonsense, you are getting stronger and stronger.
You are nurturing yourself, and taking care of your needs the best you can. (There is no pleasing men like this, the minute you satisfy their demand, they think up another one, it is endless. You are only buying time and appeasing him, that is all you can do. When he starts putting too many restrictions on you, it is time to run for your life. This happened to me, and it is not a nice feeling to be treated like a naughty child). I can see all the patterns of behaviour here.
A power struggle, that he has to win at all costs. Hang in there, until you can find a way out of the situation.
Men like that have no interest in breaking the relationship; they like to maintain it at a very lowest level of giving on their part. He knows how to feed you a few crumbs, just enough to keep you in the relationship. This is a cat and mouse game, the mindgames keep coming, as long as you know what he is doing, you don't need to play his childish games. Did you get that book I was telling you about?
posted by
marieclaire66
on November 26, 2006 at 1:22 AM
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mnene
It's difficult to break patterns (the huffs, etc.) which tend to erode the "very good". We settle into certain postures within a relationship and sometimes it's a challenge to make even a subtle change. But the best way to achieve a different result or reaction from someone is to change our
own behavior. This throws them for a loop, so to speak, and you can almost see the sudden shift in their behavior. I like the Dr. Phil(ism) when he counsels couples and they describe how they treat one another - he asks "How's it working for ya?"
posted by
Troosha
on November 25, 2006 at 1:09 PM
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Thank you Taps,
and you have made me realise one thing at least.. I could not honestly say, as you do, that life was ever wonderful. At best it's been quite good some of the time, and there have been far too many ups and downs for me.
posted by
mneme
on November 25, 2006 at 4:57 AM
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mneme, I am so thankful that time of my life is over--the middle years. Life was so wonderful for about 20 years and then it all seemed to fall apart. Looking back, it seemed much like what you describe for the next ten years. If I had it to do over again, I would not let it go on for such a long time.
posted by
TAPS.
on November 25, 2006 at 4:46 AM
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Tonyzonit,
your comments are very insightful; although I never had a personal goal beyond a happy family life. Any career I might have had went by the wayside when we had the children, although I did work too, when it was necessary. It wasn't until I had time on my hands in the US that I started a degree. To my surprise I was good at it, and so I've continued. And being around the house is fine; it's being told how I should spend my time that isn't, and he hasn't wanted my company particularly. Today he has gone off to visit a car restorer (another project); sprayed the lawn for clover; gone off with a mate to buy scratch-remover polish for the mate's bonnet; together we put up curtains. I have cleaned and vacuumed, and have bombed out so am in blogit. He is in the pool; fine by me.
posted by
mneme
on November 24, 2006 at 11:58 PM
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Wiley, you are very kind
and as we've felt before, I may be stuck with this - I just don't know. Certainly I'll be considering my options after the end of the year. Housework isn't the issue,I've never hated it - nor exactly loved it - but have always kept a good home and people have always been welcome here, not like when I was growing up. I've managed two children and a full-time job, with no family support, and often while he was away. He hasn't had anything to complain about over the years. So what if I grumbled about the lack of help now and then - who wouldn't!! It was always more about respect and consideration. I am never bored, and can always find something to do, and for years my mother has been telling me to make a life for myself. She doesn't see anything odd in this - and there was I thinking I was in a long-term relationship...
Not my idea, exactly, of married life.
posted by
mneme
on November 24, 2006 at 11:39 PM
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twisted mom, believe me,
many's the time I've wanted to jump in the car and go. It wasn't too bad today (Saturday), although at one point there was a silly escalation when we were doing some necessary DIY. All he has to do it to listen to what I'm saying in the first place, and he wouldn't always be trying to question how I do about things. I do know what I'm doing, and yet he seems never to understand that.
posted by
mneme
on November 24, 2006 at 11:32 PM
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Hi - a sad but totally recognizable picture.
If so many people can see what it's like, it just goes to show how common this type of marital struggle is. When you think about it, why should two people put common goals ahead of their individual goals? If they have common goals it might work, but what if they haven't? We need to find either completely complementary partners who are perfectly fitting opposites, or people of mystical identical-twin-like similarity. Both are a tall order. The opposites usually needs one person to be in undisputed dominance. Fine, as long as the other one is happy to be subservient. Anyway, good luck and I hope you have a better weekend than you expect. Usually, I found the only way to do this with a partner was to go out and do something that both enjoy, away from the prison cell of home. A nice day out somewhere can cheer both up nicely.
posted by
Antonionioni
on November 24, 2006 at 10:40 AM
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mneme
I remember living what you're living.
Seems to remind me of me being very busy at my work outside the home all the time, because 5 children had to be provided for, and she was in the home but hated housework.
Her comment used to be, over and over again, "I'm bored", and now I have learned when a person says that often, they are selfish and self centred.
So, I broke it up, that marriage of 20 years, she got free and married somebody else, and then he died.
You seem very occupied in what you do, can make a life for yourself as he has his life, and it will all work out in the long run.
Seems to me like hanging in as you are doing, is the toughest thing to do, but may prove to be what you have to do luv.
posted by
WileyJohn
on November 24, 2006 at 7:20 AM
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That is definately one of the things that I do not miss...now when he gets huffy and pouts...I can just get in the car and drive away...
posted by
twisted_mom
on November 24, 2006 at 4:18 AM
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