Go to I WRITE, THEREFORE I AM
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Julia
You are a kinder soul than I. The difference between you and this lady is you don't go around knowingly opening old wounds for other families.
I am truly and deeply sorry for anyone who loses a child but she is hurting innocent victims in this mess. You and your mother are as innocent in this as her daughter was.
posted by
bel_1965
on October 7, 2006 at 7:38 AM
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It is very tough. Hang on....
posted by
A-and-B
on October 7, 2006 at 4:09 AM
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Julia,
The more we expose ourselves here the more vulnerable we become by opening the door for all opinions and every type of response and attack. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, I'm sure. Some individuals are just outright cruel, many people speak without thinking, and many people are just blunt without knowing how to get their point across more softly.
Whatever the case, you have as much right to write whatever you feel whenever you feel where ever you feel. I'm sorry you are living with constant heartache and pain. 
posted by
Moxie_Maven
on October 6, 2006 at 4:59 PM
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Julia
Only you will know when enough is enough...until then, don't worry about it~
posted by
Offy
on October 6, 2006 at 4:17 PM
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Julia.,
posted by
Blanche.
on October 6, 2006 at 3:58 PM
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Julia, In terms of writing what you write here
It's your space here. Something BROUGHT you to this space. It must have been something you've needed to do. Who knows, just as I told you that I've had the coin flip side of this story, MAYBE you talking about it was meant to help ME work through my stuff a little more. I don't try to censor or question any of that. I really believe that we go about our daily lives saying all sorts of things, and we can't know that one tiny, turn of a phrase will stick with someone else and get him through an otherwise long day. Words always have impact even if we don't see the immediate result
In my writing group, two years ago, when 9-11 roll around, a woman who was supposed to be in the Towers wrote a small piece. The backdrop was that for odd reasons she missed the fate others met. She's also of Middle Eastern descent. So,. after she survived and had all the guilt with surviving, she would get chased down the street and her children would get chased by angry people. She was almost a victim, too. But that's not what people saw. She feels/felt very isolated, and writing was a way for her to talk about it.
She has had heart attacks, and obviously all sorts of physical ramifications of being a survivor. So, the anniversary rolled around and she wrote something from the heart. If anyone should write it, she should. This was in a group of writers, mind you. I thought it was written beautifully, a gem among all of the bad poetry I've endured as a member of the group. In addition to what she said, she said it in a way that really belonged in a writing group.
Well, she was attacked over and over in post after post by people who had tired of hearing 9-11 stories. One person after another wrote in and told her "get over it"---and that's a quote. Amazing. I wrote her many times off line, but you can't take away the ugly words and feelings of others.
My feeling is that for what this woman has been through, as HUMAN BEINGS, we could spare the few moments of our time to indulge her need to talk about it. How hard is it to just LEAVE HER ALONE.
I feel the same way with you, Julia. You do what you have to do to get from one day to another. If others judge you, what do you care? Many feel like they are helping you by telling you to get over it. People who have been involved in a horrible event have to work through things in their own time, in their own way. People may want to give you ten times to write about it, thinking that should be enough for you to work through it. Maybe you need ten times + one. Who knows better than you?
In my writing to you before I think you took what I said exactly as I meant it. I just wanted you to consider that this other mother didn't have an ulterior motive. LIke you, it may just be her way of working through things. If it takes her a lifetime, and this is what gets her (or you) through, then that's what it takes. You'll know when---and if---it's time. Every event in our lives brings us to the next moment. You may not have been able to be truly empathetic with people had you not had this happen in your life. Just do what you need to do when you need to do it. Your friends will understand that this is all part part of the whole person who is Julia. And she's a pretty good person, don't you think?
Cut yourself some slack, and don't overthink your own motives too much.
Kim
posted by
terpgirl30
on October 6, 2006 at 11:37 AM
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thanks to all who've commented. I'm sorry I can't answer you individually.
posted by
Julia.
on October 6, 2006 at 9:48 AM
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afzal50--
that was way harsh. Either you don't know the meaning of the words "dull and drab," or you have never read a word I've written on this subject. Just my opinion of course, but I can't imagine anyone calling this subject dull and drab.
posted by
Julia.
on October 6, 2006 at 9:45 AM
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I think it's good that you write about it.
I'm not wishing you'd stop.
posted by
Jemmie211
on October 6, 2006 at 9:18 AM
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Well, if you can find a way to forgive her for constantly
dredging it up, it will be better for you.
posted by
fionajean
on October 6, 2006 at 6:33 AM
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Julia., I am a staunch advocate for and believer in the need for anyone to
speak their truth, in order to reach peace and understanding. The gist of the battles I've had here have all revolved around one theme: that what makes one person uncomfortable to hear about, something they consider unpleasant or just wish would go away, so that the party could go on, is not their right to shut the person who is searching for peace, healing ,expression, redemption, whatever it is we who search are searching for to say, " Stop".
Having said that, I can so empathize with your dilemma over this woman's actions. It's different here, where we at least have some illusion of anonymity to shield us from the repercussions of wagging tongues, and I wish, too, for your sake that she could find another way to grieve her daughter.
posted by
Blanche.
on October 6, 2006 at 2:51 AM
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I don't want you to stop writing about it...I believe it is very theraputic
for you....and I will always read you.....take care.
posted by
_Symphony_
on October 6, 2006 at 1:48 AM
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Julia, as I said before, it's such a tough one. But because I 'know' you,
I feel for you more. I don't have a problem with you writing about it. It's opened my eyes to a few things.
posted by
_dave_says_ack_
on October 6, 2006 at 1:22 AM
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Julia
It is the dwelling that opens the door to the truth of why we feel. There is no way around it. I admire your decision to meet this head on. Not many would do it.
posted by
avant-garde
on October 6, 2006 at 1:11 AM
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A very good post of understanding
All parties of this tragedy are effected and I wish strength to all involved that the time may come when it can just be left alone and it does not matter if that time is never reached
As long as the families involved are healing in their own specific ways.
posted by
Tanga
on October 6, 2006 at 12:32 AM
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Julia...Lots of good advice here... all I can add is LoVe (((Julia))))
posted by
mysteria
on October 5, 2006 at 11:11 PM
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Julia
You have to write it all out until you don't want to write it anymore luv. Simple as that. I'm going to write about Hydro One Networks Inc. until I get to the end of it, to heck with ratings or anything. This is about my mental health, I have to write about it.
posted by
WileyJohn
on October 5, 2006 at 8:13 PM
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i am sorry if i sounded so mean but i speak my truth
posted by
ladychardonnay
on October 5, 2006 at 7:51 PM
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I hope one day, you'll be able to put it to rest, Julia. I don't know what else to say.
posted by
MaggieMae
on October 5, 2006 at 7:27 PM
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Sometimes painful pasts give you something to
Hold on to even if it is something terrible. It IS a part of your lives now.
posted by
Passionflower
on October 5, 2006 at 6:33 PM
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posted by
lovelyladymonk
on October 5, 2006 at 6:30 PM
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Julia, I hope my previous comment was not too odious.
It's almost impossible for me to imagine being in your shoes (and your family's) and the mother's shoes. Both sides must be incredibly painful.
Any chance you and the mother of the girl could have a meeting? The Bible instructs us to go to the person who has wronged or offended. Gently confront, share with her the effect this has had on the family, the grief everyone feels even so far removed from the murder. Ask her if there's any way she could can it and stop bringing up the subject ad nauseum. It would be a delicate process since, I'm guessing -- from what you've said -- she will probably always feel it is her right to bring up the subject. I dunno. Just some rambling thoughts.
Do you recall the story of the missionary Jim Elliott who was murdered by Auca indians? His son, who was a child at the time of the murders, later returned to that same indian group, and became close friends with the man who murdered his father. Now THAT is true forgiveness, eh?
posted by
JanesOpinion
on October 5, 2006 at 6:22 PM
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i agree with afzal
this horrible act that happened years ago is probably fueled by all the news stories going on right now. every day is a blessing and cherish it. i can't imagine how you feel because i have never walked in your shoes.
posted by
ladychardonnay
on October 5, 2006 at 6:17 PM
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I think it's ripe time that you stop repeating and write on something else
because it might make you dull and mundane . You could talk about some other thing and let your mind have some rest from the dull and drab subject you are dealing with . I think this life is very beautiful and should be taken care of by every one . Hope you will excuse me for being too critical . Thanks.
posted by
afzal50
on October 5, 2006 at 6:12 PM
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I'm sorry Julia..I get mixed up too often..I meant that comment for you
posted by
ginnieb
on October 5, 2006 at 6:09 PM
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Extremely well said Whacky...
posted by
ginnieb
on October 5, 2006 at 6:09 PM
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Julia.
I agree with your take on things in this post. I think sometimes you will be able to almost "shrug" it off and other times it will affect you more. I think that is the only constant.
For whatever reason she feels the need the speak. Some people would react that way and others would think but not speak. It's a shame for you and your family that she speaks but her reasons for doing so probably have little to do with you. Indeed, she has probably never thought about it like that. Maybe if she did she would say nothing but like you I guess she feels that she needs some place to offload all of this.
Re your continuing to write about this - some things are too big to move around
posted by
Azur
on October 5, 2006 at 6:04 PM
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I guess it is all about healing the best way you know how or can!
posted by
Whacky
on October 5, 2006 at 6:02 PM
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i could never forgive someone for killing my child
i would have to kill them to settle the score. but othesr CAN forgive and that is them. your brother did this - not you - you can still love him irregardless of his actions. i wouldn't wait for the justice system to "handle" it for me - i know enough low-lifes to get the job done. but you did not commit the crime - he did. don't blame yourself for anything - just be the loving sister that you seem to be.
posted by
ladychardonnay
on October 5, 2006 at 5:42 PM
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