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Oh Quirky-girl
I am so sorry for your pain but I do know that if you have the courage to stand in the center of your your contradictions and unanswered questions, you will find there lies the treasure...go deep, therein you find your pearls. You can only hold something back so long, bar the door for a little while, eventually it all comes gushing out at you and you must complete your process . I suspect you are the richer for remembering.
posted by
MysticGmekeepr
on January 29, 2006 at 3:52 PM
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Quirky
I get the feeling with your other siblings that they are likely in denial.
I know from my own family it's easier for them to avoid me than face the fact that they share a dinner table on family holidays with the man that molested me. It's easier to "pretend" and not face many things. What you must always remember is you did NOT cause your brother to do anything and you hold ZERO responsibility for his crimes nor does your mother. I am not trying to be cold here but did they do any kind of autopsy on your brother? They are starting to find that for many violent criminals there is some form of irregularity in the brain that seems to show up in many violent offenders.
Honey, you did nothing wrong, he was your brother, you loved him and my guess is you still do and you probably miss him as well. My dad did some pretty horrible things to others but he never harmed me, I loved him then and I love him now that he is gone, but living with his crimes at times is very difficult.
posted by
Bel_
on January 22, 2006 at 9:18 AM
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Hey, Quirks......Painfully and Beautifully written....
You still feel because you are an extraordinary woman. You are very loyal, perhaps, and very sensitive. You have compassion and I can sense, other lovely attributes. You are a fine human being, that is why you feel it so much more than others. I hope that makes sense. I would still love my brother deeply, too. And it is an immensely complicated matter. I think you are just fine, Quirky.
posted by
MedusaNextDoor
on January 21, 2006 at 2:12 PM
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Quirk--
Unfortunately, some stuff will always stay with us, no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. We can't make it go away, but we can make sure it doesn't rule our entire lives.
posted by
Tandra
on January 21, 2006 at 8:48 AM
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QuirkyAlone,
Repressing pain to get on with life seems to be a human trait, I've read about it in books on emotional healing, and one I read, which I can't read the title of said in simple dry language, something that seems very profound, "denial systems tend to break down towards midlife". I find in myselt, that what I had to put years behind me to deal with, face, etc. I now have enough distance and strength to process. "
I agree with those who suggest a counselor, an objective listerner, depending on who you get, some are not inclined to want to do "felling based" therapy, it's kind of out of vogue, the trend now seems towards "resolution" ten sessions towards a better you, and that's just not feasible for a complex issue, imho.
However, you handle it, it's up to you, but you are a great writer, I hope you continue with plans on your book.
posted by
Blanche.
on January 20, 2006 at 3:28 PM
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I hope you can find some peace. Perhaps all those years you were in denial and now you are finally dealing with it in a way that you hadn't before. I agree that therapy couldn't hurt if it continues to haunt you so badly.
posted by
Holy_Grail
on January 20, 2006 at 3:08 PM
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I think it would be odd if it didn't have a profound effect on all involved
Such a devastating occurance couldn't skim lightly. Your siblings surely experienced a change, a sway into a different direction because of it. People have different ways of dealing; perhaps there is some repression on their part? Just some thoughts...As far as where you're going Quirky, well, I believe the answer doesn't present itself as a whole picture to anyone on Earth. All we can do is paint our part on the canvas and search inside for signs we are proceeding as we should be. Take care dear friend.
posted by
Katray2
on January 20, 2006 at 12:55 PM
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I was at the shrink's on Tuesday
and had told her about some dreams I'd been having recently - About my father who commited suicide 20 years ago and she said that there'd probably been something that sparked the dreams that occured during the day. She also said that maybe my mind was ready to process some of the unresolved emotions from that time. Could this not be a similar thing in your case?
posted by
fionajean
on January 20, 2006 at 12:14 PM
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I have a feeling
your other family members are feeling the pain, they're just not talking about it
posted by
jollyjeff
on January 20, 2006 at 9:20 AM
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Quirks,
I don't know the answers, but I'm here, I'm listening, and I'm sorry for your pain.
posted by
Jaxson-Pete
on January 20, 2006 at 6:41 AM
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In a way, I think many of us have similar issues - not necessarily a serial killer in the family, but other issues which have yet to be resolved. You're not crazy or anything, but I do hope you talk this over with a therapist or other objective observer, as a way of moving on.
posted by
kidnykid
on January 20, 2006 at 6:05 AM
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hugs, hugs, and more hugs
posted by
Jemmie211
on January 20, 2006 at 4:47 AM
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Quirky
A million hugs...
because you deserve them! I agree with everyone -- you ARE NOT your brother & are NOT responsible. Trevor has a point about this...it is a very tramatic experience. Sometimes talking it over with someone else -- an OBJECTIVE someone else does help. (been there, done that & it does work). While some things are challenging to get over, we all need to move on with our lives. It just takes some people more time than others to move on. Just know you've got a TON of friends & we're all rooting & cheering you onward.
posted by
ravencat18
on January 19, 2006 at 4:10 AM
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Quirky
I know that in my family, there's always a lingering thought that we kids were all in it together, so we must all be the 'same'. What one does, therefore, must be what all do. I think you have identified with him and taken on the responsibility for his actions.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 19, 2006 at 1:17 AM
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Hey Quirks
(Shh I'm not here.)
But I still had to put my 2 cents in now... I do not think that is the sort of thing that you ever just "get over." They may have suppressed their feelings entirely (at this point in time) or may be dealing with it unseen to you. Don't let it define you though...we all know and you have many friends here!
posted by
FactorFiction
on January 18, 2006 at 8:01 PM
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Big hug Quirky...you are a brave woman
and I know you will get over this phase just like you have all the other difficult times in your life.And remember, that is what it is, a phase, and it will pass!
posted by
Meringue
on January 18, 2006 at 7:51 PM
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Pain of what my brother did.
You are not your brother. Shit happens and life goes on. You can not undo what your brother did, you are in no way responsible for your brothers actions. You don't have to prove anything and people will not dislike you because of this. You deserve to be happy, so lets start right now today. Go stand in front of the mirror, put a big smile on your face, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, when you let your breath out slowly also imagine releasing all negetive thoughts, all negetive feelings.Then look into the mirror and say loudly, I deserve to be happy !
posted by
falconeye
on January 18, 2006 at 1:47 PM
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What you're describing sounds very much like post-traumatic stress syndrome. I think finding such a thing out about your brother definitely qualifies as traumatic. Perhaps you should see a psychologist? I don't think you're crazy at all, but I have had a similarly hard time letting go of things that have happened to me, and I recently got help, after which I've noticed a great improvement. Take care of yourself...
posted by
Trevor_Cunnington
on January 18, 2006 at 1:37 PM
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Quirky
people just deal with things differently. There are things that have happened in my life that I will probably never get over, I just have to learn to live with. I think that your siblings have learned how to live with it, I doubt they will ever just put it behind them, they just deal with it differently than you do.
posted by
MerryAnne
on January 18, 2006 at 1:32 PM
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