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thanks MysticG!!
posted by
Julia.
on September 19, 2005 at 11:09 AM
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quirky
i wouldn't change it. like the ending. endings are very important. 
posted by
MysticGmekeepr
on September 18, 2005 at 9:18 PM
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Schree--
thanks for reading my poem!
posted by
Julia.
on September 18, 2005 at 1:41 PM
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Quirky!!
I never come between a man/woman and his/her poetry..It works for me!! I loved it!!! Schree`
posted by
Schree
on September 18, 2005 at 12:47 PM
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Cunningham--
what a great compliment--thanks much!!
posted by
Julia.
on September 17, 2005 at 6:20 PM
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Aria4--thanks for reading.
posted by
Julia.
on September 17, 2005 at 6:19 PM
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WOW!
Quirky, this poem blew me away. It is beautiful!
posted by
Cunningham_Smith07
on September 17, 2005 at 4:03 PM
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Great metaphor...I like it
posted by
Aria4
on September 15, 2005 at 1:36 PM
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Katray--thanks!!
posted by
Julia.
on September 14, 2005 at 8:44 PM
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Adaman--
thank you so very much for the critique--I want to print this out and go over it line by line with my original (it's very hard for me to "see" things on a screen)--this was indeed thorough and I definitely appreciate all of your thoughts and suggestions. Thanks!!
posted by
Julia.
on September 14, 2005 at 8:42 PM
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Romantic and passionate Quirky!
I love it. One of your best I think.
posted by
Katray2
on September 14, 2005 at 3:46 PM
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Quirkyalone, this is a beautiful, well-crafted poem.
You thought it out well and it's very alive with imagery and desire. I could stop there and that's my immediate gut reaction to this poem, but you asked for a critique, and so I'll give you my ideas about how to improve it.
I always critique my own poems over and over again for improvement. I read them through and through, changing something, then something else, until it's exactly how I want it. I know it's how I want it because there comes a point when I can read it from beginning to end, and it runs smoothly the whole way through, without me having any thoughts or even subtle hints that I should change anything else. Plus, I'm happy with it. Those are my criteria for ending off. Sometimes I'll spend hours until it gets exactly right. So I'll critique yours in the same way. Of course, these are just my opinions; I love your poem as it stands.
Sword of Passion
Your pure heart beckons
From somewhere
Far across the sea.
I dip my toes at the water's edge;
What should be icy cold feels warm,
Like a lover's hug.
Out of the darkness,
Your voice calls to me,
Faint yet unfaltering.
"Come to me, my darling,
Upon the water deep.
Buoyed by our love,
You shan't drown;
Come step to me."
My heartbeat quickens
As I contemplate
Your ardent touch.
What choice have I, but to go?
Your voice echoes in my ear
As I walk out
Toward the promise
Of passionate embrace.
I feel you beside me,
Guiding me toward your love.
At last,
You lift me
Into your fine, floating chariot
With strong hands
Weathered by the sea.
When I feel your heart,
Beating,
Next to mine,
Loneliness falls away
And desire consumes me.
I am ready,
My soulful lord of the sea;
So ready to fall upon your sword.
So, Quirkyalone, let me now explain my choice. Please consider them and reject what's not right for you.
1. I think a poem can be strengthened by looking at how one line ends, and another begins. On the first line, in your original, the line ends with the word "from." This, of course, makes me want to read on, but with my suggestion, by putting it on the next line with just the word "somewhere," you get the first line leaving you with a hint of longing, and the second line giving a slight feeling of mystery. The third line then resolves the mystery by telling us "across the sea," but since that's not extremely specific, we get a feeling of uncertainty as to where that might be, which soon parallels the trepidation of crossing that dangerous distance, guided by the trust of love.
2. In the second stanza, breaking the flow at the suggested different points gives two complete thoughts and I think a preferable feel. Do you agree with that?
3. Same with the third stanza.
4. The fourth stanza. The water's glassy top didn't work for me too well because I mostly think of a sea with waves, and even though I could go with your image of a glassy top, my instincts wanted to leave the word out because of the implicit danger of walking across the ocean. I want that danger there, because of the risks involved in love and passion. Glassy top makes me think of ice and gliding too easily to the goal.
I took the liberty to give you my suggestion for the words there. Your message still strong, the repeat of the word "come" shows his insistence, "deep" implies the danger again (and repeats the sound of "d" with "darling" and "drown." By using the word "step" here, it implies the lightness needed, as well as the delicacy of the woman.
5. Stanza five. Broken up differently, the first line is a complete thought, the second line let's us feel your contemplation for a moment, and the third line highlights what's really important to you, the "ardent touch." Beautiful words, by the way.
6. By separating stanza six from the rest, we really get stuck for a moment with the importance of the decision, and the powerlessness to do anything but follow the command of love.
7. In stanza seven, by breaking after the word "out," we have a chance to get the feeling of risk again. You know, like "walk out..." but to where? Yikes, scary. But then with the third and fourth line, it resolves to something beautiful. It gives us, again, the reason for the risk. (I prefer the word "walk" here. Switched it with "step" above, only because, he told her to come lightly before, and step worked better up there (in my opinion). I just wouldn't want to use "step" twice.
8. I personally prefer the word "toward" to the word "towards" in this poem because the step is light and the "z" sound in the word "towards" make it a bit heavier. Do you get what I mean? If you say it out loud, a few times, it's more apparent.
9. In stanza eight, I think you can get rid of the word "can" and it strengthens it by making it tighter and giving it a slightly more immediate and direct feel.
10. The breaking up of the words in the ninth stanza gives each line more punch. Do you agree? Again, I love your words here.
11. In stanza ten, take a moment to feel the hearbeat (it gets its own line), then take another moment to feel it "next to mine," (sensual), then let "loneliness fall away" on its own line, and desire to take over on the last line, but with the degree of power that the final line of the poem evokes and demands.
12. In stanza eleven, I feel that the "soulful lord of the sea" deserves his own line.
Okay, Quirkyalone, there are my suggestions. I offer them humbly. I was thorough so that you could get all my thoughts on your poem. It's such a fantastic poem, it really deserves the sharpened crafting. Please reject what doesn't work for you, and feel free to ask me anything else or to question my suggestions.
posted by
Adaman
on September 14, 2005 at 2:27 PM
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redlunar--
thanks for reading my poem.
posted by
Julia.
on September 14, 2005 at 11:36 AM
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Quirky,
I liked the story that this poem evokes. Nice use of images. The tale seems to take a twist at the end and that makes it interesting. red
PS I wrote an interpretation of my poem in the comment section for you, if you are interested.
posted by
redlunar
on September 14, 2005 at 9:27 AM
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Symphony--
thank you for reading my poem!
posted by
Julia.
on September 12, 2005 at 10:41 AM
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great work...
posted by
_Symphony_
on September 12, 2005 at 5:59 AM
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