Comments on This Needs Work--Input please

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Joe
Actually he is usually the one who goes on and on about how good I am when I write.  He is right, there is a missing link from the experience we had those days.  thank you so much dear!!!

posted by Bel_ on September 6, 2005 at 12:45 PM | link to this | reply

Military
I do feel hubby is being just a tish insensitive. I was very touched by the story. Maybe you needed to include something about the Green Bay Packers losing a game by a last second play??? *grin*

posted by Joe_Love on September 5, 2005 at 3:55 PM | link to this | reply

Heart strings....
                          Well, I dont know what he was talking about when he said it lacked the heart tug....because I was watrery eyed by the time I finished it. I know the pain of letting someone that you love with all of your heart go to an uncertain future.I felt every anguished word that you wrote. I guess the closer it comes to something you have experienced yourself, the more the words touch you.I think you did an excellent job putting your feelings into words!

posted by KODACHROME1970 on September 2, 2005 at 4:53 AM | link to this | reply

Quirky
LOL!  He was there, so I guess I am missing something he felt.  I'll have to ask him when he gets home.

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 7:45 PM | link to this | reply

Military Wife--
Missing the heart tugs--is he kidding?? There were plenty of them in there, at least from my perspective. I thought you captured a range of emotions beautifully.

posted by Julia. on September 1, 2005 at 7:28 PM | link to this | reply

Spitfire
Please do thanks!

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:59 PM | link to this | reply

JollyJeff
Thank you, I am so glad that did come through

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:58 PM | link to this | reply

Maggie
  Thank you

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:58 PM | link to this | reply

Katray
Thank you

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:57 PM | link to this | reply

Reni
thats what you get for teasing me LOL!  thanks hon

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:57 PM | link to this | reply

Midnight
Thank you very much!

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:56 PM | link to this | reply

Mia
thank you so much!!!

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:56 PM | link to this | reply

witchywoman
thank you for such great input

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:55 PM | link to this | reply

MsVision
Maybe he will be willing to work on it with me while he is home.  thank you

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:55 PM | link to this | reply

Steph
Thank you

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:53 PM | link to this | reply

Ariel
I am looking forward to reading it!  Thanks for you input.

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:53 PM | link to this | reply

MilitaryW,
I had to print this out. I'm gonna read it at work tomorrow (I don't have any scheduled appointments so I'll have time.) It's easier for me to read it that way. I'll let you know, but I'm already assuming it's great.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 1, 2005 at 5:01 PM | link to this | reply

Sounds great to me MW
I could really feel the love you have for your husband.

posted by jollyjeff on September 1, 2005 at 3:02 PM | link to this | reply

Military Wife.....

These are your feelings and your words.  Why would you want anybody to add to or change them?  I think your story is wonderful the way it is, except for a couple of two-letter words you left out.  Immaterial!

You know what they say, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it! "   

posted by MaggieMae on September 1, 2005 at 11:52 AM | link to this | reply

I can only offer my reaction MW

This touched so deeply and on many levels - your heart is here and speaking.

Beautiful and haunting.

posted by Katray2 on September 1, 2005 at 10:37 AM | link to this | reply

I think it tugs just fine. I'm fighting tears right now.

posted by Renigade on September 1, 2005 at 10:21 AM | link to this | reply

Military Wife,
Don't change a thing! That is one of the most heartfelt stories I have ever read. I'm not a crier, but I'm fighting back tears. This is a story that needs to be told. It's great, sweetheart, and I mean that sincerely. 

posted by Jaxson-Pete on September 1, 2005 at 10:12 AM | link to this | reply

Military_Wife

It's great and you almost had me crying...just need to solidify it and pull the reader in so that she/he steps into your shoes and world.

posted by MiaElla on September 1, 2005 at 7:36 AM | link to this | reply

Thank you everyone!
I'll respond to each comment individually later but unfortunately at the moment I have to run.  Balckcat please don't cry ast your desk!  SilverMoon, yes please do respond via email that would be fine!

posted by Bel_ on September 1, 2005 at 6:50 AM | link to this | reply

plot

I think the writing style is excellent...no excessive use of adjectives, adverbs. It seems like the beginning of a story and we're waiting for the meat, a punch line, a twist, an epiphany...it needs something like that, but you write very very well..it's the plot that has to have a little more umph!

witchywoman

posted by witchywoman on September 1, 2005 at 6:20 AM | link to this | reply

This is heartwrenching writing. I was moved by it. I would really love to know what your husband was feeling at the same time. Maybe you could co-write a piece long distance. Ie you write a paragraph, he write a paragraph?

posted by MsVision on September 1, 2005 at 6:09 AM | link to this | reply

MW... I'll admit to you right now... I stopped reading halfway through...
I stopped at the attempt to let him go.... I'm sorry, I can't cry at my desk.  I will read further later.  I think it's got alot of heart. 

posted by -blackcat on September 1, 2005 at 5:15 AM | link to this | reply

Can I rpint this up and e-mail my comments to you?  I have a few ideas that might strengthen your work...

posted by SilverMoon7 on September 1, 2005 at 4:03 AM | link to this | reply

This will bring a lump to anyones throat "Please Read" beautiful xxxxx

posted by mcbreeze on September 1, 2005 at 1:39 AM | link to this | reply

military

What a wonderful, moving post!

Thank you.

Next Saturday is the 66th anniversary of the outbreak of  WW11, and I'll post a piece about what it was like for an 8 yr old boy then.

I think you and you man might like to read it.

I do so admire you!

posted by ariel70 on September 1, 2005 at 12:18 AM | link to this | reply