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One day at A Time
I wish I had some advice to offer you, but truthfully the other comments in here have a lot of great ideas.
It's not going to be easy, but you always have a place to come and get out those frustrations and feelings... we're here :) Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself.
posted by
Debbie4824
on September 30, 2004 at 9:18 AM
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Jemz....honey, I can relate...
I watched my ex go through this, since I filed for divorce only 8 weeks after his dad unexpectedly and tragically died in a horrible car wreck. Here are some things that we did to work through those awful times.
1. Realize that you are not in any way at fault for what happened to your Dad. This was hard for both me and my ex, as his dad was on his way to visit us when the car wreck happened.
2. Sit down with a notebook and write out every memory that you have of your Dad. Focus on positives. (My husband's dad had left some very negative things behind that we had to deal with separately.) You want this to be a book you can come back to when you need to revel in your dad and remember all the wonderful things he represented in your life. (There will be a lot of tears and grieving going on as you write. That's normal, it's good, and it will help you heal.)
3. Write a long "farewell letter" to your dad, telling him everything you can/want about how much he meant to you and how much you miss him. How much you appreciated all that he did for you, and even, if necessary, how much you regret the times you didn't see eye to eye or spend time with each other.
4. Realize that your dad is still alive in your heart, and you can pass along all the things that you loved about him by reaching out to others --- or by modeling his behaviour to your kids, if you have them.
5. Realize, and explain to J, that you are too fragile to deal with other relationship problems at this time, and that you will probably react excessively to anything that happens. Tell J you want to just forget the current disagreement, or ask J if y'all can just put it on the shelf until you have had a chance to heal.
6. Get active. Sitting around where you have a chance to dwell on the loss is not healthy. Even if you are just going to walk around the block, get moving. While you're walking, you can think about your dad, but you won't get nearly as down about what's happened.
7. Think about what your dad would want you to do. He'd want you to grieve properly and get it all out of your system, and then move on, using the good memories to strengthen and support yourself, and forgetting the bad memories. He wouldn't want you to slip into a self-destructive depression.
I can probably think of more, but I'm taking up an awful lot of space in your comments now. I'm praying for ya, and you have my e-mail if you want to talk privately. 
posted by
editormum
on September 30, 2004 at 6:33 AM
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OK, Jemmie
Here's what you do: even tho' it works for me it may not work for everybody --
a) God loves you and so does J.
b) Do not assume that he is at fault (nor that you are)
c) Be kind to him and to yourself
d) Forgive him, then forgive yourself
e) Go for a walk. I tell my kids that exercise is a gift from God. I guess it is!
posted by
kingmi
on September 29, 2004 at 4:22 PM
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I truely feel for you. I will send many many prayers your way. I know that is what gets me through my hard times. It will get you through yours. many hugs and prayers to you.
posted by
Melodystar
on September 29, 2004 at 4:10 PM
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Sorry to hear this, Jemmie
I think your attitude of facing it with strength is a good one, though. Things will look up, I am sure of it. I'll keep you in my thoughts
posted by
InherentRights
on September 29, 2004 at 4:01 PM
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Melodystar
From the bottom of my heart, thank you! I need all the prayers and positive thoughts I can get right now.
posted by
Jemmie211
on September 29, 2004 at 4:00 PM
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I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I send my prayers to you and hope everything gets bettter.
posted by
Melodystar
on September 29, 2004 at 3:48 PM
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