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kidnykid is right about boundaries.
Hook up with a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics they can help, believe me its hard to start creating boundaries when You don't know how. Together You learn to accept realities and take care of Yourself. It is nearly impossible to build a boundary against Your parents, although some people do. But it is possible to load up with tools to protect Yourself. You are not Your mom and really neither is she. She's lost in the bottle. Alcohol craving is more often than not too much for a human to handle-- it is s disease that kills and so few stay in AA. Bless You Jemmie. M
posted by
maralite
on April 14, 2003 at 5:26 AM
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It isn't necessarily codependent
Sometimes people like your mom choose liquor over their nearest and dearest loved ones, and that's got to hurt. (They don't realize they're making that choice, either. The addiction to the alcohol simply takes over and does the choosing for them.)
Have you ever tried telling her that she is not allowed to talk to you in certain ways? Although she is your mother, she is bound by the same rules other adults are now that you are an adult. (I've heard of perfectly sober parents backhanding their adult offspring for offending them; nobody's every confronted the parents to tell them that there are better ways of accomplishing the same goal now that the kids are adults. So it isn't your mom being alcoholic, necessarily - the emotional abuse and the alcoholism are two separate things. It's perfectly all right to tell her that she can only talk to you in a certain way or you will impose consequences on her, as long as you yourself don't stoop to that level.)
posted by
kidnykid
on April 14, 2003 at 4:40 AM
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You're both right, I think.
Freedom, you're right in that I want a normal relationship with her. Or more so, I want the relationship with her I never really had. I had to play mother to her so often I didn't even have a childhood. But I do wish she and I could be at least somewhat close. When she and I talked a few months ago, we did have a sort-of breakthrough. I told her how I felt. She told me she really did love me even though I've never believed it. And she admitted that my suspicions that her bf beats her are accurate.
I just want to be able to talk to her. I can tell her about the things I've done that are bad or against the law because she's done worse and knows she can't condemn me. And, I no longer do those things, whereas she still does some of her bad things. Besides, I have never in my life had a run-in with the police. I layed low. She, however, has been arrested (though she tried to hide it from me--impossible to do on a small island and with my own close friends being in the news industry).
But I digress. Yeah. I just want to be able to talk to her without worrying if she'll turn evil, mean, disgusting. I want to tell her about my life without her telling me I am a disappointment to her.
I want her to leave the jerk she's with.
posted by
Jemmie211
on April 14, 2003 at 12:34 AM
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I must agree...
...we partially share a screen nickname, and a thought...
You can't give up because deep dpwn, you care. I don't see it as co-dependence. I see it as a incredibly loving and caring [not to mention stubborn, as one who will never win an argument with you ;) ] gal who doesn't want to give up on her mother. To give up would concede to defeat and misfortune...and at your core, you're not a quitter on your friends and family.
Not put too eloquently (dammit Jim, I'm an engineer, not a Shakespeare) but I hope you catch my meaning.
*hug*
posted by
frdmfghtr
on April 13, 2003 at 9:40 PM
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Oh Jemmie. I think the reason you keep going back, is that you want so badly to have a normal relationship with your Mother. What you are hoping for is to show up and find her sober and loving. Only you know whether this is ever going to happen or not. No matter how many times she hurts you, it would be so hard to resist going back, because maybe, just maybe...
posted by
Freedom
on April 13, 2003 at 9:12 PM
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