My life as a badger
Pay me to read this? Who would!
It is said that every person has at least one good book in them so I personally believe that as a badger I should have at least a couple of paragraphs so I decided to write from the heart and talk about my first, my only and my last love.
The day started as every morning seemed to in Hedgerow Avenue. I had a good job collecting sticks, fluff and old walkers crisp packets, presumably to nest with; categorizing them by size, smell, sharpness and how much they glittered in the dreary sunlight that penetrated my little piece of this Earth. As with every living thing I was also on the hunt for my mate, my life partner, my cuddly oneness to spend my endless days with; this was my problem.
It is said that in life we will always find someone that we match with, we share our innermost fears and paranoia with and someone to make dirty badger love with – I was evidently lacking something as I struggled to even make out with the local badger slut Debbie. My white stripe was striking, my body thin and svelte and my claws manicured to the point of being dangerous but something was wrong, something that stopped me from being the alpha-badger. I've got to be honest I lacked personal hygiene.
I'd seen adverts scratched into the local tree billboard “Wear roses and you'll smell like a Squirrel” I assumed Squirrels smelled nice but for some reason I didn't believe the hype – I thought I didn't need that, after all I bathed two years ago. I was snubbed by the set, cast out for my belief that badger shouldn't use sand to soak up the day sweat under my little legs – it was a mistake but also my “in”.
I decided to cast my net further afield for a mate and said goodbye to my badger bretherin. They didn't even noticed as I left the avenue, crisp packets in my backpack, and wondered into the wider world; places where the piss-taking bastards had never been themselves. I knew my destination – Mecca to a badger.
After three hard days of hard walking through the hedgerow I finally reached the place I had only heard about in old badger tales. Twycross Zoo the sign said but I knew, deep in my heart, that it simply meant penned in animals. Wondering through the exhibits I was seeking one thing – I didn't know if it even existed, maybe a cruel joke created by Dave Badger, but I was on the lookout for someone who would accept me as I like to be – smelly.
Stumbling around, half excited – half ready for the disappointment, I finally found my destination. The placard said “Common American Skunk” but I didn't understand, all I could see is the thinnest, most bushy and long tailed, most stunning badger I'd ever seen. She was wondering around her in closer, wafting that long tail around like a harlet. I lost control and threw myself against what I could only describe as a forcefield.
Something was holding me back from my supermodel, my mate, my bitch and I had to figure out how to overcome this massive, and completely complex problem but luckily I'd eaten a fish and my mind was a sharp as a fox after eating twenty knives. Quickly I pulled my backpack off my shoulders and assembled the numerous discarded packets crisps into a savory ladder of Prawn Cocktail and Salt and Vinegar path to pleasure. After a few attempts, thanking walkers mentally for making the packets foil packed and therefore more sturdy I managed to get a decent lock on the top of the forcefield, or “GLASS” as I learned later.
Scampering up the ladder of loveliness, stopping only three times to lick my paws free of the yellow, flavorsome dust I made it to the top, jumped down – spinning as I did so to impress my new mate. Landing with my two fronts paws raised a la gymnast stylee, I wondered over to my prize. She was stunning, like nothing you've seen before, smaller than me but her strip was so vivid, so deep, so beautiful that I just couldn't control my innermost urges. I asked if she came here often but her response came out in a language that I'd never heard before but luckily our animal magnetism overcame this hurdle – I instantly fell for her. I wanted to be inside that picture of perfection.
Turning towards me with a cheeky look on her face she inhaled my fragrance and her chest filled with all my badger fragranced wrongness – amazingly she didn't run away and instead she seemed to revel in the strong smell – I'd found the one person that would love me for who I am and for what I smelled like.
Using my ladder of savory treats we escaped out to a new day and a new life. we wandered paw in paw towards the exit and back towards my little nest that I'd been building for years in anticipation of meeting little miss right. We stopped under the entrance to the zoo to consummate or new found closeness. I'd never felt something as right as this – her eager to escape her captors, me eager to place “mini badger” inside her. It was magical – so magical that it lasted minutes.
As I stepped away to find a leaf to help her clean herself after our explosive coming together, I turned to look at her in all her glory. She was magnificent, so thin, so needing, looking forward to us living out our lives. Rooting around in the undergrowth I turn again and to my horror a huge car was bearing down upon her. I shouted but she didn't understand, in desperation I ran towards her but I only got close enough to see her killed by the black, round hand of a monster called “Ford Fiesta”.
I sat for what felt like a year looking at her now withered body, knowing that I'd never smell her strong fragrance again – vowing to attack ”Fiesta” and flatten it as it did my love – Forever more I would hunt out the beast, the bastard that did this.
Sitting, thinking deeply I realized that this was a love found and lost in an instant – but I knew, deep in my sole that I would love her forever.
Some would say this was an autobiographical piece but lets be honest I'm a badger so I must of used a ghost writer – I tried writing it myself but my claws kept getting stuck between the keys and I gnawed on the monitor twice before I was sedated with marmite and ketamin.
It is said that every person has at least one good book in them so I personally believe that as a badger I should have at least a couple of paragraphs so I decided to write from the heart and talk about my first, my only and my last love.
The day started as every morning seemed to in Hedgerow Avenue. I had a good job collecting sticks, fluff and old walkers crisp packets, presumably to nest with; categorizing them by size, smell, sharpness and how much they glittered in the dreary sunlight that penetrated my little piece of this Earth. As with every living thing I was also on the hunt for my mate, my life partner, my cuddly oneness to spend my endless days with; this was my problem.
It is said that in life we will always find someone that we match with, we share our innermost fears and paranoia with and someone to make dirty badger love with – I was evidently lacking something as I struggled to even make out with the local badger slut Debbie. My white stripe was striking, my body thin and svelte and my claws manicured to the point of being dangerous but something was wrong, something that stopped me from being the alpha-badger. I've got to be honest I lacked personal hygiene.
I'd seen adverts scratched into the local tree billboard “Wear roses and you'll smell like a Squirrel” I assumed Squirrels smelled nice but for some reason I didn't believe the hype – I thought I didn't need that, after all I bathed two years ago. I was snubbed by the set, cast out for my belief that badger shouldn't use sand to soak up the day sweat under my little legs – it was a mistake but also my “in”.
I decided to cast my net further afield for a mate and said goodbye to my badger bretherin. They didn't even noticed as I left the avenue, crisp packets in my backpack, and wondered into the wider world; places where the piss-taking bastards had never been themselves. I knew my destination – Mecca to a badger.
After three hard days of hard walking through the hedgerow I finally reached the place I had only heard about in old badger tales. Twycross Zoo the sign said but I knew, deep in my heart, that it simply meant penned in animals. Wondering through the exhibits I was seeking one thing – I didn't know if it even existed, maybe a cruel joke created by Dave Badger, but I was on the lookout for someone who would accept me as I like to be – smelly.
Stumbling around, half excited – half ready for the disappointment, I finally found my destination. The placard said “Common American Skunk” but I didn't understand, all I could see is the thinnest, most bushy and long tailed, most stunning badger I'd ever seen. She was wondering around her in closer, wafting that long tail around like a harlet. I lost control and threw myself against what I could only describe as a forcefield.
Something was holding me back from my supermodel, my mate, my bitch and I had to figure out how to overcome this massive, and completely complex problem but luckily I'd eaten a fish and my mind was a sharp as a fox after eating twenty knives. Quickly I pulled my backpack off my shoulders and assembled the numerous discarded packets crisps into a savory ladder of Prawn Cocktail and Salt and Vinegar path to pleasure. After a few attempts, thanking walkers mentally for making the packets foil packed and therefore more sturdy I managed to get a decent lock on the top of the forcefield, or “GLASS” as I learned later.
Scampering up the ladder of loveliness, stopping only three times to lick my paws free of the yellow, flavorsome dust I made it to the top, jumped down – spinning as I did so to impress my new mate. Landing with my two fronts paws raised a la gymnast stylee, I wondered over to my prize. She was stunning, like nothing you've seen before, smaller than me but her strip was so vivid, so deep, so beautiful that I just couldn't control my innermost urges. I asked if she came here often but her response came out in a language that I'd never heard before but luckily our animal magnetism overcame this hurdle – I instantly fell for her. I wanted to be inside that picture of perfection.
Turning towards me with a cheeky look on her face she inhaled my fragrance and her chest filled with all my badger fragranced wrongness – amazingly she didn't run away and instead she seemed to revel in the strong smell – I'd found the one person that would love me for who I am and for what I smelled like.
Using my ladder of savory treats we escaped out to a new day and a new life. we wandered paw in paw towards the exit and back towards my little nest that I'd been building for years in anticipation of meeting little miss right. We stopped under the entrance to the zoo to consummate or new found closeness. I'd never felt something as right as this – her eager to escape her captors, me eager to place “mini badger” inside her. It was magical – so magical that it lasted minutes.
As I stepped away to find a leaf to help her clean herself after our explosive coming together, I turned to look at her in all her glory. She was magnificent, so thin, so needing, looking forward to us living out our lives. Rooting around in the undergrowth I turn again and to my horror a huge car was bearing down upon her. I shouted but she didn't understand, in desperation I ran towards her but I only got close enough to see her killed by the black, round hand of a monster called “Ford Fiesta”.
I sat for what felt like a year looking at her now withered body, knowing that I'd never smell her strong fragrance again – vowing to attack ”Fiesta” and flatten it as it did my love – Forever more I would hunt out the beast, the bastard that did this.
Sitting, thinking deeply I realized that this was a love found and lost in an instant – but I knew, deep in my sole that I would love her forever.
Some would say this was an autobiographical piece but lets be honest I'm a badger so I must of used a ghost writer – I tried writing it myself but my claws kept getting stuck between the keys and I gnawed on the monitor twice before I was sedated with marmite and ketamin.