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Yes and no, Rockingrector...
Our friendship has certainly been reborn with my commitment to be there hereafter, where I had decided to withdraw before. There may come a time when she would not be devasted by my denying the relationship again, but this assuredly is not it. And I am not the kind of person who can fake it. So, the commitment is made for real, and possible because now I have the opening I felt was lacking before, that she is willing and able to hear me when I tell her she has crossed a line, she is hurting me, she is wrong. I did not feel I could tell her that kind of thing before without creating more animosity.
As to the controller-- Controllers do not generally or casually disappear. A personality creates such a construct to protect their survival at some point in early life. A Controller is all about not allowing change or risk, according to its own definitions and beliefs--it is a hard program, well-protected.
On the other hand, the act of taking back her power, as my friend did when she took back the choice to live, took her out of 'programmed' mode and into 'reprogramming' mode.
Yesterday, as we spent the day together moving some of her belongings from one place to another, she was ready to micromanage every detail. It was controller behavior--but when I reminded her I knew what I was doing, driving my own truck, and also acknowledged the stress she was under, and did not compete with the controlling, she made the adjustment. Between the extreme stress and bad old habits, those are the only immediate solutions she has for getting her needs met. But habits are easier to reprogram than solidly backed-up belief systems.
posted by
Ciel
on November 5, 2009 at 12:33 PM
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Naut,
seriously, to know that something you have done or said has had that much influence in another's life is a weighty thing, and most usually, we never get to know that we have had such an effect.
I doubt very much that you would have failed. A good listener has saved many a life, and most likely many more than has good advice. An active listener is the best--one who is responsive to what is said, who makes it clear that he/she is, in fact, listening and taking in what is being said. People want attention more than they want advice. They want sympathy more often than they really want someone else's solutions.
posted by
Ciel
on November 5, 2009 at 12:13 PM
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Wow! What a scary time for you. But you found the right words and I'm guessing your firendship will be stronger if she has now allowed the controller to disappear.
posted by
Rockingrector_retd
on November 5, 2009 at 10:51 AM
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Ciel
I feel for you, and admire you! To have to talk someone out of killing herself, even if she's not actually dead serious (why can't I resist saying things like that? 
) must be a truly horrible experience! And to bring it off, in some sense, must be immensely gratifying...
I tried to put myself in your shoes, and I know I would have failed terribly. People who come to me with their problems tell me I'm a 'good listener'. They're right - I listen well, because they usually don't know that's the only thing I can do. But when it comes to giving advice in serious matters of the heart or soul, I never have any answers...
posted by
Nautikos
on November 4, 2009 at 5:33 PM
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Thanks to you all for your so-supportive comments--
but truly, there was no other option I could have chosen. I know, because I have tried the other obvious one, and I won't choose that one again. So... it was a risk to take it on, but a risk worth taking. In the end, all the decisions that to do with the situation were hers, not mine. I influenced her choice, by great good fortune and perhaps some intuition, using words that could engage her interest and curiosity. Once those pushed aside the apathy and alienation from living, the rest flowed from her naturally: You can't choose to leave just when things are getting interesting!
posted by
Ciel
on November 4, 2009 at 9:46 AM
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What an experience for you. I am so glad that you were up to the challenge and knew (and were willing) to put out the effort to meet her needs. Good for you. God bless you as you continue to be her friend.
posted by
TAPS.
on November 4, 2009 at 6:07 AM
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God bless you and this person as well. What a horrific responsibility you must have and must feel. I pray with you, for this situation. You are blessed.
~ Elyse
posted by
elysianfields
on November 3, 2009 at 8:33 PM
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Re: you are such a loving person. Would this suicide potential accept
Kabu, right now her biggest deepest issue is about trust and control. There is no way she will simply put herself in the hands of anyone who would have authority to override her own opinions and imperatives. She has given me some authority as a friend to tell her some things, and I see her listening with one ear, and the Controller has the other... finding ways to get around the facts, the opinions of anyone who suggests real change... ways to appear compliant, cooperative, agreeable... while being flatly not any of those things. That part of her is trying to find a return to its own status quo, with the most superficial of changes.
I plan to challenge it. Sooner or later, there will be a showdown.
posted by
Ciel
on November 3, 2009 at 5:23 PM
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you are such a loving person. Would this suicide potential accept
professional help do you think? It would be for the best in the long run for she may still go ahead with her plan.
posted by
Kabu
on November 3, 2009 at 4:08 PM
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