Go to Loosely Speaking
- Add a comment
- Go to Kids Lie
Re: That environment of trust is so important.
It is such an honor to be trusted by a kid with such delicate matters! It is a trust you can only earn by being trust-worthy.
posted by
Ciel
on September 5, 2009 at 1:01 PM
| link to this | reply
Re: Isis, there is something to convincing a kid that lying is impossible.
I discovered something called muscle-testing which responds, in part, to your subconscious awareness. And subconsciously, we are aware of bazillions of things we don't pick up at all in conscious awareness. So the lie-detection function works much better that way... and the muscle-test that is weak in the face of falsehood, strong in truth, is actually reliable. At least I have found it so--and from my kids' reactions and chagrin, so have they!
posted by
Ciel
on September 5, 2009 at 12:59 PM
| link to this | reply
That environment of trust is so important.
I was pleased recently when my son told me had a girlfriend, pleased that he felt able to tell me, and then glad he was able to talk about how he felt when a short few weeks later when the relationship ended. And the nice thing was he didn't want to lose the friendship.
posted by
Azur
on September 4, 2009 at 4:08 PM
| link to this | reply
Very good advice that every parent would do well to live by. I remember an aunt of mine claiming she knew when I was lying by the way my eyebrow would twitch. Trouble was, I wasn't lying at the time
at all. Grown-ups are weird sometimes.
posted by
myrrhage_
on September 4, 2009 at 3:52 PM
| link to this | reply
I have to disagree on one point here, Jan--
or make a distinction. I have known some very money-poor families who were excellent with their kids. The poverty is of know-how and understanding--and, agreed, the lack of information of what works and what doesn't is at the bottom of poor parenting, and often is the result of parents not being taught when they were kids. Or being given the wrong information.
The more parents have to work full-time jobs to meet the expectations of society, family and the kids themselves, the less they can be there to teach the fundamentals to the kids. And the more exhausted they are, and unable to deal effectively when they come home to the normal everyday crises of childhood.
The more selfishness and greediness and material culture is held up as the norm of society, the less society will produce the kind of people who will be able to meet the challenges of parenthood. But this won't mean kids won't be born. They will be parented by immature, selfish, materialistic people who haven't a clue about the important things.
Well. Clearly I haven't been writing enough lately... Look at the words pour out!
posted by
Ciel
on September 4, 2009 at 3:28 PM
| link to this | reply
There's lies, and there's lying... and poetic license...
Lindo, this brought on a kind of longish response, so I will post it as my next blog item today.
posted by
Ciel
on September 4, 2009 at 3:14 PM
| link to this | reply
A very good post indeed Ciel!
It was very relevant to me because I found my (estranged) husband and I never saw eye to eye on the subject of lying. He was against it in principle but he felt that white lies, exaggerations and pulling people's leg did not fall under the category of lying. I, on the other hand, felt that they were ways of twisting the truth. "The whole truth" may not always be a viable choice but I was a stickler for "nothing but the truth". Hence my 4-year-old got mixed signals and now it is difficult to instill the trust needed for him to be honest with me when he has been introduced to so many loopholes to "thou shall not lie"!
posted by
lindo
on September 4, 2009 at 11:26 AM
| link to this | reply
Hear, hear. In my view children only lie out of fear, usually because they feel that everythign they say or do is wrong, therefore it's not safe to admit to anything. Of course, that was long ago.... The emotional atmosphere for children is much better now in good families, probably much worse in poor families because no one has taught parents hwo to discipline their children without hitting them, so many are simply undisciplined.
posted by
Rockingrector_retd
on September 2, 2009 at 9:55 AM
| link to this | reply
Ciel
I forget who it was that said (and I'm not qoting verbatim anyway), 'Language is a means to hiding'...
posted by
Nautikos
on September 1, 2009 at 6:27 PM
| link to this | reply
Pearls of wisdom here, Ciel!
posted by
Straightforward
on August 30, 2009 at 4:34 AM
| link to this | reply
TAPS. that's exactly what I mean, by putting some thought into it!
One of my biggest parenting mistakes was being way too heavy on Clean Up Your Own Mess Because I Shouldn't Have To--and not enough of--Let's All Pitch In!
posted by
Ciel
on August 27, 2009 at 6:56 PM
| link to this | reply
Re: I don'temember lying to my kids or Grand kids ecept about the bone in my
Dear Kabu, from what I've gathered in about your life, what went wrong was very likely due to some... unenlightened... influences from other people. Sometimes, getting it right isn't enough, when so many other factors are wrong...
posted by
Ciel
on August 27, 2009 at 6:54 PM
| link to this | reply
I don't remember making an issue about whether or not my kids were telling the truth or telling a lie. I avoided asking questions that put them on the spot. For a simple example, rather than ask "who made this mess" or "did you do that", I'd say something like, "we have a mess here that needs cleaning up so lets all pitch in and get the job done."
posted by
TAPS.
on August 27, 2009 at 5:36 PM
| link to this | reply
I don'temember lying to my kids or Grand kids ecept about the bone in my
legwhen I was too tired to play more games. But I still got something wrong.
posted by
Kabu
on August 27, 2009 at 2:55 PM
| link to this | reply
“If parents want their kids not to lie, they can begin by creating a safe environment for telling the truth”… This is so key, Ciel. As parents sometimes we are our own worst enemy looming consequences over our children to the extent that they don’t feel they can be completely honest. When I became a parent (not wanting history to repeat itself) it took great restraint to not over-react or to temper my facial expression when my daughter was telling me something which either surprised or shocked me. I had to remember that she was sharing a very personal part of herself with me. The trust we shared then and share now is a gift I am grateful for.
posted by
Troosha
on August 27, 2009 at 12:01 PM
| link to this | reply