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HI
I really like your novel and I can't wait to see when will be finish!
posted by
edytka1974
on April 17, 2008 at 6:58 PM
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Hi -
I liked both intros, but guess I'm the only one who enjoyed #2 the best; but I'm blonde AND Polish, so consider the source. Best of luck!
posted by
neveradu11moment
on April 17, 2008 at 3:35 PM
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Intresting read indeed !
posted by
afzal50
on April 16, 2008 at 6:45 PM
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the novel is written in your mind, you can see the whole story
from start to finish and now you have to prove with some serious effort and hard work ,i have myself written a couple(more like attempts)finished one, and the response was , very graphic your attention to detail and geographic facts is very good and blah blah but......who do you think is going to read it?I guess that is a GREAT QUESTION HUH?
GOOD LUCK in your efforts, thanks for reading and enjoying my thoughts
twomany
HAVE AN OUTSTANDING DAY
posted by
twomany
on April 16, 2008 at 3:57 PM
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Re: Just about a 50/50 response the good news they both have
Thank you. I need all the good wishes I can get.
posted by
vogue
on April 16, 2008 at 12:55 PM
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Just about a 50/50 response the good news they both have
merit. I don't usually check back on comments but I had the feeling this one would end up pretty much like it did. Good luck vogue!!!
posted by
jefco
on April 16, 2008 at 12:44 PM
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About the stories...I have read them twice now and let them role around in my brain..I think the first would be the better start..But I agree the you should start with "Briiiiiiannnn" as the opening line..I think it will draw the reader in and let them feel sympathy for him..A little household drama always pulls the reader in..We love watching other peoples' lives. Then just let the words flow from there. Nice start!
posted by
Wigopa_
on April 16, 2008 at 7:39 AM
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I agree with the others. . .and that famous line I hate to hear so often Show Don't Tell!
Lead the readers without telling them. . .Let them get the sense of it and draw their own conclusion. Too much info at first. . .
posted by
Annicita
on April 16, 2008 at 5:49 AM
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Seems like either one would work, but I don't write fiction.
posted by
Ariala
on April 16, 2008 at 4:46 AM
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weighing in
I liked #1 - though I agree that you have to change the passive voice to active. #2 is too cliche-ridden. "Place was jumping" (especially after using Jumping in the first sentence, I try to avoid repeating words unless it's for emphasis), "music to my ears," etc.
Plus, I can totally sympathize with that guy in #1. I'm AWFUL at laundry and my sons and husband are none too amused when their underwear turns a girlie pink! Keep at it - sounds like a fun project.
posted by
gapcohen
on April 16, 2008 at 4:21 AM
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I like No. 1 but I like Azure's comments to you. Boy this writing takes
time doesn't it. I mean it's just rewrite after rewrite. I am rewriting Tom Ugly into a book and it is so much work. but keep going and keep asking for advice. I do.
posted by
Kabu
on April 15, 2008 at 8:02 PM
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Vogue
I think either start has potential. As ideas I like them both.
1) is too heavy on the description and explanation. let it unfold a little more.
For example:
Wait until she says Briii-aann. Don't explain it beforehand.
Briiiiiiiannnnn.
I counted with my fingers. Four seconds to say my name. That's a record. Samantha must be mad at me today.
Also regarding" ""Shit'" I muttered under my breath, as I stared in despair at the flimsy, dripping garment, dangling from my fingers. My wife Samantha's brand-new lacy underwear had turned a mossy green!"
I'd keep it simpler.
I dropped Samantha's damp lingerie into the washing basket. It was new and it made me smile. She looks lovely in this. Hmmm, but hang on. Was it mossy green? I could have sworn it was red.
Let it unfold later in their confrontation that he washed it with the ski-socks and paint-stained old sweater.
No. 2 is a good idea too but you could kind of spin it out him being a househusband and not give it away in the first par.
One friend could be talking about his executive life and football, and brian could be talking about burning dinner and boiling his wife's lingerie.
Sorry if I have overdone it. Just my opinion. Anyway, nice work.
posted by
Azur
on April 15, 2008 at 7:08 PM
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hmm
Make a cute scenario on how a man cannot fold a towel.
Or on the fact that their indurance to house work in general are a scaled miss compared to a women's.
Maybe stick it to them by becomming overwhelmed with duties.
You are good on discription, so I don't need to tell you how to write it, just some ideas to ponder on. 
posted by
jpart122500
on April 15, 2008 at 4:40 PM
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I like #2 - now, the first is funny and comically entertaining but, for me the second one has a bit more description ~ I agree the first one seems like it should come after a buildup --- if that makes sense ---
Elyse
(great writing ~
)
posted by
elysianfields
on April 15, 2008 at 4:19 PM
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vogue
My vote - hands down #2.
posted by
Troosha
on April 15, 2008 at 2:59 PM
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Re:
Sound advice, halfelven. Thanks very much.
posted by
vogue
on April 15, 2008 at 2:24 PM
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The first is better, but you can do improve it.
Avoid using "was" in beginnings; whether passive voice or simple existence, there is no action there.
posted by
Halfelven
on April 15, 2008 at 1:16 PM
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Dude it's not even close - for me the second one is much better
the first is something that would fit better later on after the reader has been introduced to the situation and the characters. Also I think the second one is better writing. I am not a pro this is just my opinion, but I have read lots and lots of books. The second one would get me to the next paragraph the first one may not.
posted by
jefco
on April 15, 2008 at 12:32 PM
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Re:
Of course it helps. I hope that I will get a few more comments. Thanks for the star. It makes me proud.
posted by
vogue
on April 15, 2008 at 12:25 PM
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I really enjoyed the second one. This one captured my interest. I hope this helps and good luck.
You already are a star in my book.
posted by
cmhnord
on April 15, 2008 at 12:03 PM
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Hmmmmm depends on what reaction you want to invoke.....
I personally prefer version 1 - it made me grin (I know exactly what he means
) good luck and take care
posted by
mariaki
on April 15, 2008 at 6:45 AM
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hope you'll pass you're job as a mother mam...
posted by
__Purple_Mermaid11__
on April 15, 2008 at 6:32 AM
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