What Makes Sense and What Doesn't.

The ocean has been calling me for days, now. Today, I will answer. http://youtu.be/xP0fYLk48kA Listening to: Ryan Adams, Invisible Riverside. Sign in to see full entry.

I used to be the girl that wrote. Now I'm the woman who wants to. Ben Harper, Power of the Gospel Sign in to see full entry.

He got back from his hiking trip, today. I'm so glad he's back. That we are. His words, as I make dinner. "So good to see you again today. I love reading your words. Every morning I want to thank you for sticking it out through the tough times. I know it wasn't easy. I sensed it every day, but that is behind us and now there is us in the here and now and for all of the tomorrows that we will share. I am so happy for that. So much more I want to type, but instead I will just look at you and enjoy... Sign in to see full entry.

I think that it's hard for me to write when I'm healing. I am whole. I've healed. I am free of fear. I am content. I am safe. I have forgiven. I am love. I am life. I am right. I am me. Listening to....Lissie, Little Lovin' Sign in to see full entry.

It's been so long since I've written...but I am feeling right. Just unable to write. It'll come. I have faith. Listening to Priscilla Ahn....Leave the Light On Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, it is, and I'm ignoring the catching up on work that I have to do, for a bit. I feel like I looked in the mirror and saw myself again, today. Me. Maybe I've been there all along, but I didn't want to see myself. Oh, the things I ponder on a Sunday afternoon. Listening to....Brenda Kahn, If Red were Blue Sign in to see full entry.

I am so tired. Not that I'm sleeping any less. Just working a whole lot more. "You're doing great!" they say. "Here's some more pressure..." is what follows that. Well, they don't actually say those words, but it's what they mean. Or, maybe it's just what I hear. Sometimes, there's a difference. I'm usually right. Listening to....The Band, with The Staples Singers, The Weight Sign in to see full entry.

Is it because I'm female that I invent such crazy ideas in my head? Or...is it because this is where all forces of my mind dwell, waiting to drive my insecurities? Maybe it doesn't matter. It is what it is. I'm not happy, as per my definition of the word happy. But I feel...those stirrings in my heart, again. His heart connected to mine. Moments of right. So much work, we are. I didn't expect it to be like this. He's trying, and I thrill to that, breathe it, love it. But still...there is that... Sign in to see full entry.

He's excited because tomorrow is Super Saturday at the Hardware store. Twenty percent off of everything makes everyone happy, he said to me. You can feel it, in the air. This, I must see for myself. Also in the cards for this weekend is a season one Frasier marathon. Be it something simple, it's good to see him looking forward to anything, again. I'm chomping my way through cinnamon hard candy like it's going out of style...not what they're intended to be consumed, but I think that I'm addicted... Sign in to see full entry.

It's cold and rainy...and I should have changed out of my work clothes already, but I haven't. Generally I am in a hurry to shed the button up shirt and corporate slacks, but it seems less important, today. Not that a whole lot, does. Nothing wrong, nothing really quite right, and here I am. I've decided that the middle of nothing, really is somewhere. Not really where I want to be...but better than in the middle of heart hurt, of pain, of a soul that's dying. I still...still have some forgiving... Sign in to see full entry.

In the middle. In between. Not one way, or the other. Is that anywhere? Maybe it's nowhere. Maybe I need a day off. My mind is wandering to places that might not make much sense. But well...sometimes that's when I learn the most. Places I've never seen, but have seen me, burying burdens there. Beneath dirt, under carpet, cement and stone, at the depth that they've needed to remain forgotten. I hate digging them up. I love it, too. Listening to....Poe, Fly Away Sign in to see full entry.

I'm back in work mode, attached to lap top and blackberry. It was nice to hand that in. At least a paycheck comes along with taking it back. It leaves me too tired to write though. All my best thoughts concentrated on the land of the suit and tie...seems like a shame. But for now, so it is. I feel good in the present with him. I'm working on letting of of the past. He understands, but doesn't know how I can. "I failed you as a partner, and as a human being," he said. "I know that your faith is... Sign in to see full entry.

I feel...I think....I'm still trying to figure that out. Today's the first day in awhile that I've had a chance. I haven't written in so long. I'm afraid that I have too much to say. I've been home for two days, after fourteen long, mind bending days, and fourteen very sleepless nights in Oregon. Mind you, I had a maid, and catered meals, so all in all in wasn't that bad. I am so happy to be home. Home, but in a different place. I am. And he is. And so, we are. Together. My heart beats and... Sign in to see full entry.

I leave for 14 days in Oregon in a few hours...with mixed feelings. I'm visiting the corporate office for my new job. I'm told I'll be issued a lap top, credit card, and blackberry on Monday. Back to that life, for me. I'll enjoy the paycheck. I don't enjoy the chains. I do need a break away from this, from him. From myself, as I am here. But I will miss him. I miss me, more. Listening to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss...Killing the Blues.....from their Raising Sand Album....which is a... Sign in to see full entry.

If I could just get my footing...I could stand up straight. Hard to do when you can't find your legs. Or your shoes, because the closet bar has fallen again, and they're hidden under clothes and chaos. Sigh...almost made myself smile there. Careful, careful, there it is again. Oh well. Sometimes I think that my sarcasm saves my sanity. Plus...well, once in awhile I consider myself rather clever. It comes and goes as it does, like everything else. Listening to..... Rachael Yamagata and Ray... Sign in to see full entry.

It's raining at the beach today...the ocean will have to wait. Or I will wait for it. That sounds more appropriate. I haven't earned the right to command the tides just yet, I'm thinking. The air is sad, here in our house with taillights. A foggy sort of sad, that seeps into your bones, cold and wet, hungry and lost. We breathe the heaviest of sad, and eat love...and somehow survive. I don't know how to fight guilt that isn't mine. How to somehow ease his self torture. My pain has become a part... Sign in to see full entry.

I'm sorry, I am having a hard time today...I know you can feel it. I just...my dreams are broken. Nothing is like it was supposed to be...and we do nothing to move forward. Just stay in sad, and tell each other that we're sorry. My heart is broken, and I feel....so not real. It was hard...really hard to hear you talking to your mom last night, and adjusting the story of Nipsy's arrival to not include me. I understand that you don't share with your family like I do. It's just...it's just another... Sign in to see full entry.

"I'm sorry that you're so sad," he said to me, after so much silence. "I never wanted to make you hurt. I'm sorry...I'm sorry for punishing you, along with myself. I know how sad you are. I feel you fighting it, every day. You put so much more goodness into my life than my behavior reflects. I'm so sorry, Katie. " Only he and my dad call me Katie. And my dad...only because I was never able to break him of the habit. Kate. My name is Kate, and has been since I renounced all other titles when I... Sign in to see full entry.

One more week, and I fly to Oregon, for two weeks. I will miss him...but I'm hoping to find myself. I'm seeing glimmers, now. It will be good for me to start this job. I want to have something of my own, here. Aside from my two cats who haven't relocated well...they live on a shelf in the closet, terrified of the rest of the mob. It breaks my heart when I remember what they used to be like... I miss them, and they're here. I read my posts today, all at once. It strikes me...that all of my most... Sign in to see full entry.

I can't seem to get out my head...or far enough in it. Either way, this middle ground is an uneasy place to be. It's too easy to slide in either direction. Up or down, forward or backward. Wrong, or right. I don't want to be silent, but I'd rather not speak. I want to be spoken to, but I don't want to hear it. I want to know, but I don't want to listen to the words that aren't said. I'll keep going. Even if it's sideways. Listening to... The Heartless Bastards, Nothing Stays the Same Sign in to see full entry.