What Makes Sense and What Doesn't.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Unsatisfactory Dreaming

I wonder if you can piece broken dreams back together again, or if it's easiest to start over. When your expectations are less, it's a shorter distance to fall. Things get better, and I only want more. Better is no where near where we should be. I'm afraid I'll never be satisfied. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Listening to Hem, Not California Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Obvious Invisible

It feels like lately I'm narrowly avoiding disaster at every turn. I'd like to find a road to stay on. 6 a.m. is better than 3 a.m. Especially when he comes to bed, and takes me in his arms. Hours of hurt...that even knowing 6 a.m. would would arrive...wouldn't help. More death in my parking space today...and I'm feeling jealous of ghosts. His ghosts. Her. Their ghosts. I parked next to our fence when I came back today. Away from the muddy pools of blood. We'll both miss Mr. J. I guess now, we... Sign in to see full entry.

The Hour That Cries

I hate 3am, and lonely. I've been at it for an hour now. He fell asleep on the couch...where he remains. Which shouldn't hurt, but it does. It's mixed with despair, hunger, and wrapped in need. It makes me sick to my stomach. I hate 3am, and lonely. Listening to...Amos Lee, Black River Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Body in Color

The word employed does much to ease my panic. Now I wonder what belongs where. I have something of my own, again. Here, in this place where there has only been him. My soul has stopped making it's silent ticking sound that I can hear with my whole body. He cried last night. I held him until he fell asleep, and then drifted off, fast behind him. Even though his sadness...and what's behind it hurts me, just as it does him. His hurt is gray and deep blue, laced with veins of deep purple. Mine is... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Space in Time

Oh....this tiny, tiny place. I don't think that it's shrinking. Maybe I've become taller. Maybe there's more to me. Perhaps my eyes are different. I've heard that can happen, sometimes. Especially when your world changes. Gillian Welch- Time (The Revelator) Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 18, 2009

What's Invisible is Still There.

He listens to me...he always has. I have to learn to speak. I will, as we go. As we learn. I've stopped mourning my vision, and am living what is. It hurts less, but more, but in a real live satisfying way. This makes sense. I'm doing everything I can to avoid writing poetry, letting the lines that feed through my head slip away into the never more. With fleeting thoughts of wow...that was really good...until I stifle that, and banish that rhyming, rhythmic voice to my unconscious. I can't write... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Here isn't There

It takes a long time in California to get anywhere...on so many levels. Kansas was so very flat, so straightforward. Except for the wind. The wind in Kansas carries whispers, and breathes silent screams. I used to be afraid of the wind there. I'm glad that we made peace before I left. And I hope...that someone else hears what I did. I am starting to miss the wind. I wonder if it misses me. I'm not friends with the sky here, yet. I feel like I've moved and it doesn't recognize me. Although...I... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pondering in Peace

It's easier to type words that mean something than it is to speak them with my voice. It's an effort for for me to speak loudly, unless I want to be heard. I can't decide if it's easier to read his words or to hear them. In the end, I suppose doesn't matter. I just want to know them. He came quietly to bed last night,and lay flat on his back, beginning to make his sounds of adjustment, settling, and contentment. He got as far as settling when I found myself being held so tightly, I couldn't... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Words Sent in the Night

I can feel him, reading my words...hurting with me, hurting for himself. He's at work, but here, online with me. It's how we began, and a safe place for us. We are so alike and so completely different, he and I. I know what he aches with, and he knows what's coursing through my veins. And we have the same pain to work through. I dive into pain. Feel it, live it, breathe it....to get through it. To understand what it is...to learn...and to let it go. He feels it...but holds it off so that he... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Another Day

I have an interview tomorrow, and another on Tuesday. I need to be employed again. Giving up my career to be here with him has taken a bigger toll on me than I think I am willing to admit. Away from family, from friends, my dog, without my piano...makes for long emotional days while he's at work. Days where I take care if his dog...or her dog. And his cat. And her 2 cats. And my two cats...who hide in the closet, and make me sad. I miss them, and they're here. Oh..and the new cat. She meowed on... Sign in to see full entry.

Almost At Ease

He's cooking today, wearing his pajamas and flip flops. I never know what we're eating until it's presented to me. He likes to surprise me that way. Somehow, he's always known what I like and what I don't. We spent the morning watching videos on various methods of fire building in the wild, and dousing the cats with catnip. Momentary peace reigns, and it smells really good in this tiny little house with tail lights. Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Missing

I miss my brother...and his calmness that's just like mine though it comes from a different place. He's big, and solid...and real. We're connected, and I'm feeling disconnected with myself, so I'm wishing for him. Three thousand miles between us. That's a lot of wishing. Sign in to see full entry.

This morning, it Rains

He walked the dog this morning in the rain. I got up and fed the six cats in order to avoid plots of mutiny on the human folk...and then we went back to bed. Found moments of right. So right, but somehow wrong in their rightness...that they hurt me, and I had to leave him, sleeping, when that's where I want to be the most. I've got to figure me out. We had talked...I had to listen to painful things. About her. Some of her things are here. Like 2 of her cats...I feel like she's here, when she's... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Turtles in my Living Room

There are two turtles swimming in a tank in my crowded living room. They make faces at me. I like to watch them think. I wondered aloud tonight if they ever got tired of swimming around back and forth, day after day, year after year. Did they yearn to stretch their legs and take off swirling and swooping, grazing the bottom of the river with their bellies...taking their time to see what's ahead above and below on their way to the surface for air? Were they dreaming of freedom? Wishing they could... Sign in to see full entry.

Liquid

I heard it raining last night when I woke up to make sure he was still sleeping. Or rather... I listened to water drip from the air. It was far too gentle to have fallen from the sky. I silently cried along with it, and then drifted off again. When his alarm clock sounded, and I opened my eyes, I felt better...lighter, somehow. He knows. He knows that I hurt. He looks at me when he thinks I'm not looking. It's hurting him. And so...we drink pain together. Which does nothing to quench our thirst.... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Mysterious Whatever

How far do I go? How much do I write? How much do I love? How much do I fight? Nice. Working on getting my own thoughts out here...outside of poetry, and still I can't shed the rhyming. Does that inhibit what I type? The channels in which my thoughts can flow? Do I want it that way? Safe is well...safe. Questions, questions, as soon as I answer one, I go looking for another. I'm watching scenes from episodes of the Johnny Cash show as I type. Scenes from Episodes. Something in me likes that, and... Sign in to see full entry.

Death Where I Park

Heading out to find something interesting today. My landlord needs to kill animals in my parking space. Even if I weren't vegan, I think I'd find this disturbing. I guess this explains my dreams of sheep circling around my car. Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Another Uncertain Night that Seems Slighty Less So but Does it Matter?

I feel like it should be later than this. That I should be older than I am. I feel like you're reaching out, but it's so far from where we've been...are you? I'm afraid to try and find out. Almost as afraid as I am to be me. Almost. I'm missing my days of love and light. But somehow, their absence is beginning to hurt less. I don't think that I like that. Sign in to see full entry.

I dwell

I suppose sometimes I go down further than I need to. It's just that it's so seldom that I'm here....this low. This sad. This doubtful. Shouldn't I know what it is while I'm visiting? Figure out what I'm doing here, so I don't come back? Maybe I'll want to come back. Right now, I'd like to get out. But not enough to do it. That makes it less wrong, I think. Everybody does that. Funny how a less wrong contributes to what's wrong with everything. Sign in to see full entry.

So it goes, and is

I moved to sunny California a few weeks ago. This morning I have no water because my pipes are frozen. Seems a little symbolic of the Expectation and Actual Experience Syndrome that I have acquired since I finished my 1800 mile drive with one flat tire and and slow hours full of hope on the highway behind me. Sign in to see full entry.

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