Thoughts in Shades of Blue and Other Hues

Monday, April 12, 2010

Lingering

I don't know why I am so sad. There's nothing to take me there. Dreams that I've had. Thoughts that I've seen that I can't undo. Voices that haunt. Thoughts ring dark blue. Visions of my need for you. Where I break where I used to bend. Were I begin, instead of end. Places for no one else but you. Rejection makes my hurt always new. I ache in places I can't see. Places you can't go. They're only for me. But you can see them. You feel my bleed. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Still There

I'm still damaged. Somewhere I can't repair. I'm still hurting. I can't feel just where. I'm still broken. I've lost some of my faith. I'm still trying. Forgiving you, for my ache. I've lost so much of my heart's trust. I still can't call it back. Now, in the time of us. I still love you. More than I did then. I still need you. I don't want to die again. I still want you. There is no one else. I'm still afraid of you. It's a place I've never felt. Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Missing You

I miss you in a way that feels good, again. In a way that's right, where we began. A want that's hungry, but not dying with thirst. A need that thrills instead of making it worse. I still have scars to heal from losing my trust. I have to forgive your not believing in us. You closed your mind and heart to mine. I'm still afraid of that hurt down the line. A heart only breaks so many times. My heart was mine, and I gave it to you. You didn't lose it, but forgot what you knew. Now that you've... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Self Aware

People walk back and forth. Work to home, a circle of sorts. Heads down, mesmerized with below. We only speak to those we know. A world of anger misdirected. Blame those who we think led. Never look at ourselves, instead. All inward, it begins in our heads. We’re afraid to stay, too tired to leave. Residing in the webs that we weave. Meant to protect, keep us from hurt. It holds us back from self worth. Now that I am alive, I realize. Why we stay in, why we hide. Why we pull the blinds. Keep... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Searching Souls...written a year ago, but I still believe.

I believe in the searching of souls. Making their way back from where love first took hold. A faint call, a voice you can't find. A sound you can't allow to leave you behind. Constant yearning feathers the air. I'm on my way, I swear I'll get there. A place of peace, a place I'll know. Connecting through time to make one whole. I keep thinking I've found what I need. A place that seems right, where I'm in the lead. In the end, it's a disguise. Covered in cobwebs and all sorts of lies. It seems... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Aware in Deep

The rain drips and cries before it falls. I hear it. I feel it all. I feel my heart, heavy and sad. Broken. Mourning dreams that I've had. I see my thoughts, but don't know who they are. They aren't mine. My visions are scarred. My sad is wide, flowing and ever long. Vast. Built upon wrong. I can't find my words. I've lost my song. My head is numb. My sound isn't strong. I'm my shadow, living in deep. I am the line where red and blue meet. I am awake, even in sleep. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Transparent Thought

All of my wants make me hurt. If I pay attention, they only get worse. The visions that glide inside my head, Are they real, or ghosts that I've bled? Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Unfamiliar With You

I pretend that I'm happy for everyone but me. I know my heart. I know the air I breathe. Today, I am nothing but need. I've listened to the words from your mouth. You don't know what you're saying, they just come out. You begin to remind me of him. Everything wrong, and my light is on dim. Something you said never would be. You said that you'd love me, and set me free. I don't know what to believe. Here I am. Caged in a relationship with me. Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Want that Needs

Treat me like I'm real. Touch me like I'm alive. Hold me close. Love me, like I could die. Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wants in Air

I want to be here. I want to be free. I want to be loved. I want to be me. I want to feel when I breathe. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

True

I don't know what I did this time. Moved something. Crossed an invisible line. I am so sick, living in fear. I want to get out. I'm slipping on tears. I'll hate me for you. I'll punish me until I'm lost. I'll break my own heart. I'll cover the cost. I'll make me feel wrong inside. I'll spiral down. I know that ride. I should have known I couldn't hide. Sign in to see full entry.

Trying

I love you, through my hurt and sad. I just miss us and the right that we had. It's easier to blame it all on you. I'm the one holding back what's true. I'm not me, and I won't reach out. I'm the one holding my self doubt. I'm sorry, for retreating, when you need me the most. I'm sorry, for being jealous of so many ghosts. I'm sorry, for that way that I hurt you. I'm sorry, and that's truth. Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Alone With Me, Next to You

Sometimes, I wish I were a cat. So you would kiss, hold, and love me like that. If this is what it is, then someday I'll stop trying. Every day hurts when you're dying. I can't feel my body, but I ache with it's crying. Did I expect too much? For you to love me, to want my touch? It can't be me, but it is. Numb would be easier, and it feels like it fits. Next to you, I'm all alone. I sit in fear, as my soul softly moans. I have no heart. I have no home. Sign in to see full entry.

Air Doesn't Help

I'm lost in Lost. Drowning, in air. I'm afraid to look and find nothing there. I'm lonely. My heart breaks a little each day. I love too much to leave. It hurts so much to stay. My soul is choking. My blood hurts. Each day I wake up, my vision is worse. I can't breathe, from wanting to be held. My words don't speak. My meaning isn't felt. I am broken, and I don't know how I fell. I'm lost in lost. The worst kind of hell. Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm Sorry

I look with my eyes, and there's nothing to see. Is this you? Is this really me? If you don't want me, tell me to go. Without thought, what I don't say grows. I'm sorry, for taking up space. I'm sorry, for the way my heart aches. I'm sorry, that I hold back from you. You're not here. You don't want my truth. I have so much to give. Trust that flies. Love that lives. I don't know how much to show. I'm afraid to hurt. I'm afraid of what I don't know. I'm afraid of before and what came first. I'm... Sign in to see full entry.

Hurt's Lies

If you don't want me, tell me today. Do it now. Don't make me wait. If you're going to tear me in two. Do it now. Tell me we're through. If you're going to take my truth. Do it now. Light despair's fuse. Don't make me hurt this way. Untie me. I can't speak through this gag. Let me go. Let me be. Love isn't a cage. It's supposed to be free. If you've only been using me. Tell me now. Leave me to weep. If there is no such thing as us. Hurt me now. Destroy my heart's trust. If I'm not the one that... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Knives and Wounds

I'm afraid that I love you too much. Now that I need you. My soul craves your touch. I should have held back before this. Kept some of me. Separate, from your kiss. You've hurt me like you said you never would. I believed you. I didn't think you could. I'm hurt because you lied to me. Holding me here. I'm supposed to be free. I'm still a secret that doesn't exist. A heart with no home. A plan with no list. I am nothing, but a hidden tryst. You say that you love me, but feed my ache. It's hard to... Sign in to see full entry.

Falling

I hate us now, and the way that we are. We are fake words. Rules, like bars. Afraid to speak and to hear what you'll say. Afraid to be me. Afraid to pray. Afraid that we aren't, and never will be. Afraid of my hate. Terrified of my need. Afraid, that I will always bleed. I am fear, and everything it eats. Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Pain that Wanders

All of my smiles are Fake. A mask that's cracking. Spilling my ache. I hurt with the words you don't say. My dreams are tears. Nightmares, everyday. I'm disappearing. You're a million miles away. It's getting harder, to reach out to you. I'm afraid for my heart. Blind to my blue. You can't see me. I can't feel you. I'm all alone. By choice, you are too. For me, there is no us without truth. I'm hurting me by not hurting you. If I speak will you hear what I say? Will you just nod, smile, and walk... Sign in to see full entry.

Dreams I Hide

I just need you, I don't want this. Longing for us. Sick, for your kiss. I know what this is and I try to go on. Sometimes, I can't. Living in wrong. Told to believe in what I can't feel. Told to wait, to hope, to deal. Told to be happy and not to be sad. You've never seen the nightmares I've had. You don't want me, and I'm all alone. Without me, the idea of home. My heart still yours, and never my own. Forever half and incomplete. Alive, but starving with need. And then there's you, forever... Sign in to see full entry.

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