Non-Rhyming Whining

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Dedicated to a fat, horrible bitch I work with called Tracey.

I hope I am there on the day of your death To watch your fat face gasping for breath I hope I am there to witness your stroke. So I can laugh loud out loud and make a fat joke. You are a gigantic bag of shit and fat, You have bulges in places which should be flat Even your eyeballs stick out of your... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Oh, and also Ebay buyer…

Thanks for buying from me Oh wonderful eBay buyer. And thanks for the positive feedback. But you really didn’t have to mention That you bought a similar item elsewhere Which had free postage and packaging. I mean really, are you that concerned Over forty nine friggin’ pence difference? And by the... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Hello Neigbourhood Friends

Hello friend, I own three dogs, two of which are bitches. Yet none of them, even though they are only eight months old - and we have five cats living here also - spend all day in my garden barking their tits off and irritating the living snot out of everyone else in the neighbourhood. The reason for... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

The Sea is a Cruel Mistress

Fifteen British sailors strayed into Iranian waters. Fourteen male crew and one woman. It doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day in England today. Dedicated to you, my mother. Thanks for not making it apparent that you knew I was using the hoover to masturbate with when you walked into my bedroom that time. Looking back now, it was pretty obvious I wasn't hoovering my cupboard out at all and perhaps, maybe I... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Ode to a Mechanic, or whatever

Oh Gargage Man, Oh bastard, bastard Garage Man. I hate you, and I hate your family Those who spawned you should be brought back to life, so I could shoot them in the face and genitalia regions, just to make sure your greasy hands could definitely never fix another car ever again. And by fix I mean... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I have a car and his name is Vladimir the Tosser

Here is a song I'm dedicating to my 1997 Ford Escort Bastard-mobile. It kind of sums up my feelings towards it. Or maybe it doesn't. (CHOIR BOY): Oh Escort Every day, I hate you Oh Escort, Every day, I want to kill you, ooo-oooh...... You can dance, you can drive, Having the time of your life, oo,... Sign in to see full entry.

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