Go to Life in the fast lane--where's the on ramp?
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- Go to First Draft: a walk in nature
Slapping on my Editor hat...
I want to know how she walked... did she stroll, amble, glide...? The word walking is an opportunity to say so much more.
And I didn't get at first that the web was across the path. It could have been anywhere.
The spider's POV is problematic: I doubt spiders perceive the world in terms so like human. Now I will be thinking of how spiders might see the world, might see a human. You've set a condition here, that whatever else it thinks or thinks like, it is attuned to the music of the web and the world. Maybe it would perceive the girl in musical terms, too. This girl's own music would include notes that reveal that she can also hear the spider-music, where other humans' music lacks those notes.
I like the character and the name you gave her! She has my attention and interest immediately, and keeps them. I love the concept of her almost-magical hearing, and the music of the webs. I love your turns of phrase! I look forward to future revisions.
posted by
Ciel
on September 9, 2015 at 8:41 AM
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PatB
How beautifully creative and a joy of a story to read love.
posted by
WileyJohn
on September 2, 2015 at 2:22 PM
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Enchanting start to a tale that invokes mystery but also the nature of things in reality
posted by
C_C_T
on September 2, 2015 at 10:48 AM
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Pat
Cute...
posted by
Nautikos
on September 2, 2015 at 10:38 AM
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Absolutely beautiful! After reading that, I just had to share a FB bit from my niece out on the farm (Little Abby's mother): "I walked face-first into a massive spider web today. So glad we don't have any neighbors who could witness the silly dance that was performed!"
posted by
TAPS.
on September 2, 2015 at 9:21 AM
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Fabulous. I just love you. Thank you for brightening up a dull morning.
posted by
Kabu
on September 2, 2015 at 8:03 AM
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