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Re: Re: Re: Re:
posted by
Kabu
on June 8, 2014 at 9:15 AM
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Re:
She was indeed, lovelylady, as I'm sure your great-grandparents were. I too am not too keen on visiting graves because, like you've said, the person is really not there! You can think of them in your own way, any time, anywhere. I suppose the tradition of wakes and funerals has been with us for so long that many people just don't think about it too deeply, and tend to go through the motions because that's what everyone had always done! My friend's refusal to go to his grandmother's funeral was the first time I had ever heard of someone breaking this tradition! But I do understand his rationale for doing so. Everyone is different, and everyone's way of thinking . . . and grieving . . . are different! It should be up to the individual . . . 
posted by
JimmyA
on June 8, 2014 at 9:12 AM
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I can understand that, Kabu. I've always felt that it was showing respect and support to the relations of the deceased when we attend these services. But I still understand my friend's reluctance to attend his grandmother's funeral. I guess everyone has their 'own way' . . . 
posted by
JimmyA
on June 8, 2014 at 9:05 AM
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Jimmy,
I was always very, very, VERY close to my Great-Grandparents, William and Evelyn. When I speak of them, I always refer to them in the present tense. To me, referring to someone who is no longer with us in the past tense in a way means that they never exisisted at all. I realise that this is my personal view, and I do not have disrespect for those who feel otherwise.
When my Nana died on her birthday, 2 October, 1994, it was sudden, but I felt a huge sense of joy and relief for her. Not because I didn't love her, but because she was free at last from her horrid Alzheimer's Disease. My Mum went to her wake, I did not. I did go to her funeral service, but even that was too much. The day after she was laid to rest, I went to visit my Grandpa. My Mum told me that he had wanted me to be at the wake, so after the funeral services, I went straight to him. And during the gathering at my Uncle Paul's house, he wouldn't let me leave his side.
He died fourteen months later, on New Year's Day, 1996. I went to his funeral too, but after that I decided I would never visit their graves again. And I won't. That isn't where they are now. Like your friend, I chose to remember them as I know they would want me to. As I want to.
No one has the right to dictate how another should grieve, or not grieve. We all have our own ways of dealing with loss. Your friend simply did what was best for him and found his own of dealing with the loss of Gummy. Good for him!
What a wonderful lady she must have been...
posted by
lovelyladymonk
on June 7, 2014 at 3:00 PM
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Working in the Nursing home I had to go to lots of funerals. It meant so much to the family to see you there and to cling one last time. Greek funerals always had open casket...and a fair bit of wailing mostly from those we never saw in the Home!!! I guess it cemented some things in my mind.
posted by
Kabu
on June 6, 2014 at 8:49 AM
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Re: jimmy
That seems to be the latest trend, jean. There are many people who share this same view. There are services people have for those who had been cremated, and it's usually filled with pictures and stories of when that person was alive! That's how they should be remembered! Going to someone's wake or funeral is probably respectful, but not going and remembering the person in your own way shouldn't be looked upon as disrespectful! Each person should make their own decision . . . 
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 2:23 PM
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That's very true, Annicita, and that's how I tend to view it as well. I have wonderful memories of my father ( who passed away 9 years ago ) and it almost didn't matter what kind of services we had for him. I will always remember him in my own way, and those memories will keep him with me forever . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 2:19 PM
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Thanks, chuck. I think most people would. I know there are certain traditions and protocols that people like to observe in certain situations. But sometimes, you just have to let people do what they prefer, especially when it comes to honoring or remembering someone who has passed . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 2:17 PM
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You were just showing respect, C C T, and I would think that her friends and family may have appreciated it, whether you liked this woman or not. However, it would seem you wouldn't be remembering her too fondly anyway, so it may not have mattered . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 2:15 PM
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jimmy
my oldest son when his grandmother died and i called him said without hesitation when do you want to head home mom. he drove me from florida to kansas and went to the funeral home but would not view his grandmother, they had been very close. these are his views exactly. and mine now, i had to be helped out of the viewing and everyday wish i had not seen my mother that way.
so i have made it perfectly clear, straight to the crematory, no viewing. if they want after they can get together for a memorial. it will be put to paper so they do not forget.
posted by
jeansaw
on June 5, 2014 at 11:24 AM
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i am like your friend...i want to remember people as how they were when alive not dead and made up all "pretty" .... as long as i have memories of them they will always be alive for me
posted by
Annicita
on June 5, 2014 at 11:18 AM
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It is his own choice and decision. And I have a total respect for the choice that he has taken
posted by
Chuck_E_Ibrahim
on June 5, 2014 at 10:37 AM
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Well Jimmy I have sometimes been to the funeral of someone I did not really like, I think if I had liked that lady I would have gone reluctantly.
posted by
C_C_T
on June 5, 2014 at 10:22 AM
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Thanks, shamasehar. I believe it will. And you're right. There seems to be so many rules and regulations regarding so many different aspects of society ( any society ) that anyone who deviates away from any of them for any reason is almost immediately vilified. What may be 'the norm' for some might be difficult for others. I know there are certain protocols concerning things of a 'personal nature.' But sometimes, people should be allowed to do as they wish, for their own reasons and rationale. No one should have been 'offended' by my friend's decision, and I know he was still remembering his grandmother on that day. He just didn't feel the need to be physically present at her services, and I totally understand that . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 6:50 AM
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Re: Jimmy
Good enough, Naut. Obviously this is one of those topics that people will have different views and opinions on, so ponder away, and get back to us . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 6:43 AM
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Re: JimmyA
That's true, Sir Wiley. One thing I neglected to point out ( although it shouldn't really make any difference ) is that this other friend is one of those 'argumentative' types ( I've actually already written a blog about him and this particular personality quirk some time ago ), and for some reason, he just loves to contradict people! If you say black, he'll say white. If you say East, he'll say West. So it didn't really surprise me that he took this opposite stance. But he also shouldn't have judged my friend's decision either. That's why I was on his side . . . 
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 6:41 AM
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I know and understand completely, FSI. If I had my way, I wouldn't go to any of them either! But, sometimes prudence demands your presence, especially if it's a relation, and it's easier to simply go through the motions and make that appearance than 'get any heat' for your absence. But, I too would still rather remember people in my own way. I totally understood my friend's decision . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 6:36 AM
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Thanks, Justi. That's a nice way to look at it. No, I too don't believe that God might look negatively upon my friend for not attending Gummy's funeral services. I'm sure He saw the love and devotion my friend had for his grandmother, up until almost literally the last moment. And that is probably far more important than attending a 'cookie-cutter' funeral. That's why I sided with him on his decision. A few people may not look upon it that way, but, like you said, they shouldn't judge in the first place . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 6:33 AM
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Re:
I understand, Kabu. Sometimes the concept behind funerals does seem somewhat odd. Lord knows I've been to plenty in my lifetime, and I can honestly say there was no joy or closure to any of them! My father was also cremated, but I still had to endure two services for him - one family oriented, one military ( he was a Korean War vet with the Navy ). I too would much rather simply remember people in my own way. But sometimes, just to keep the peace, I have to attend these services! As for myself and my 'final disposition,' well, I'd rather not think about that right now . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on June 5, 2014 at 6:28 AM
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What you have lived for is what really matters to me so I think your friend was right in doing what he did.Anyway true love or bonding is above rules the society sets and hardly believes in following the rule books.May this grand old lady's soul rest in peace.🌹
posted by
shamasehar
on June 5, 2014 at 3:45 AM
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Jimmy
I hadn't, but I will give it some thought and let everybody know when I have made a decision...
posted by
Nautikos
on June 4, 2014 at 8:39 PM
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JimmyA
Your friend simply made a decision he wanted to, and folks seem to be judging him negatively, when frankly, there was no right to judge him.
posted by
WileyJohn
on June 4, 2014 at 7:01 PM
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I feel that your friend's rationale for not attending makes perfect sense. In fact, that I would prefer to do. However, I go to funerals because I do not want to get any heat for not attending.
posted by
FormerStudentIntern
on June 4, 2014 at 6:58 PM
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I believe this decision is totally up to the man. Society is not to be our judge, in my world God is the judge. In my world dear Gummy is likely in Heaven and smiling down on that lovely grandson who made his choice and stood by it. May God show him his blessing on this.
posted by
Justi
on June 4, 2014 at 6:09 PM
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What really is the point of a funeral anyway. if you couldn't take the time to actually say Goodbye and thanks for being in my life, then why go to a funeral and say those things. Dead folk don't hear!!!
You may guess that I have requested no funeral for me, Cremation and put myahses in with Wiley's in his jar...or scatter them I won't be caring.
posted by
Kabu
on June 4, 2014 at 12:14 PM
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