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Re:
Well that doesn't sound fair, mariss. Tall or short, thin or fat, big or little, no one should be "picked on" for any reason! And you're right . . . how those past aggressors act now could be a decent indication of how you may react to them! 
posted by
JimmyA
on January 25, 2013 at 11:09 AM
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Letting go after all those years is best if they are not aggressive now! When you have a good life now, Who Cares? Your wife sounds beautiful. I have always admired tall, big people. I have been bullied for being a shrimp, myself.
posted by
mariss9
on January 25, 2013 at 8:24 AM
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Re: If the former bully approaches with an apology,
That's probably very true, Ciel. I think I would appreciate an apology from someone from my past who may have inflicted some sort of emotional damage on me all those years ago. Yes, it would indeed help with the "healing process!"
posted by
JimmyA
on January 23, 2013 at 8:07 AM
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If the former bully approaches with an apology,
that could make it easier to let go. After all, that's what one hangs onto, the need for that acknowledgment and an apology.
posted by
Ciel
on January 22, 2013 at 4:06 PM
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Re:
That's very true, FSI. Some things might be a lot easier to forgive and forget than others. It does depend on the person, what they may have actually said or done, and how they respond to you now. It's a tough tightrope to walk, especially, as I pointed out in this particular incident, on the off-chance you were to actually run into one of these people!
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 11:28 AM
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Re:
I don't think anyone can, TAPS, although I'm sure there have been many studies on the subject. I guess there are just some people out there that derive some sort of pleasure in seeing the suffering of others, whether it's physical or emotional. The history pages are filled with them . . .
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 11:26 AM
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Re:
I knew I and my wife weren't alone with these feelings, lustor. Regardless of how much time may have passed since that incident, I'm sure it's a somewhat painful memory no matter when or how it surfaces! I'm also fairly certain that there's a good chance that, if one were to run into any of these people, they may not even remember doing or saying the things they did. But that doesn't necessarily alleviate the pain the may have caused. Forgiving may be possible, but I don't think forgetting is even an option! 
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 11:24 AM
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Re: Jimmy
That's a wonderfully healthy approach to take, Naut. And in a way, you're also very fortunate. I don't think any of us have had a "conflict-free" childhood. That's just a part of growing up. But there are at least a few of us who have had those intimidating specters who have inflicted certain emotional scars upon us, the kind that sometimes make you wish you had a time machine, and could go back and respond to certain situations differently. I don't necessarily feel "animosity" toward any of these people, but I can never completely forget ( and thus never completely forgive ) the tiny nightmare of their doings that now exists in the corners of my memories, which may appear at the most inopportune times! 
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 11:19 AM
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Re: No statute of limitations on this that I know of, although
That's absolutely true, Rumor. Both forgiving and forgetting are two extremely difficult things to do depending on how deep the wound goes. Believe me, I've let go of and forgotten about more negative incidences from my past than I'd care to list. Yes, I have no use in holding on to hurtful memories that do me no good at all! But if I was to come face to face with a former antagonist, and those painful memories did come roaring back, I'm not completely sure just what my reaction might be. Like I've commented to others, I suppose it would depend on how they approached me. Thanks for weighing in.
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 11:06 AM
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Re:
That's one way to look at it, sam. But I think the difference is, I really try not to think about those incidences from the past or the pain they may have caused. This is a case of actually running into one of these people, and my possible reaction towards them. I'm a mature adult, so I know I wouldn't do anything except be as minimally cordial as I could be. But I guess it would also depend on how they approached and acted toward me initially. See? There's a few different factors to consider.
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 11:02 AM
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Re: JimmyA
That's perfectly understandable, Wiley. Yes, that would be a determining factor in how I may treat an antagonist from my past. I wouldn't necessarily wish any form of punishment upon these people, but if one were already provided . . . Sometimes when I see news stories about a murder trial, one of the main factors someone usually brings up after the person has been sentenced was whether or not they showed any remorse for their actions. So how this bully from yesteryear actually acted toward me may determine how I receive him! Thanks for the parallel story.
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 10:58 AM
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Re:
I knew that, Utah. Thanks for wanting to be thorough!
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 10:51 AM
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Re:
I understand what you're saying, Utah, I really do. Especially when it comes to "forgiving to be forgiven." But you're right . . . it's nearly impossible to forget. And even though I may consciously say I can forgive these bullies from my past, the fact that I will never forget, combined with the hurtful emotions that are attached to those negative acts from the past, make me feel sometimes that the word "forgive" suddenly has a hollow ring to it. Believe me, I really don't worry about these particular things. I'm just curious as to my own actions . . . or should I say reaction . . . if I was to run into one of these antagonists from my past! 
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 10:51 AM
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Re: In answer to your last question
Interesting response, Kabu. And again, the only other thing to discuss would be if your actions were justified or not. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, my wife is just one of those people who simply would not be able to bring herself to do something like that. I knew she was uncomfortable talking with this woman, but she is one who always looks to take the high road, and not be confrontational. Me, on the other hand . . . I may not seek out those past bullies, but if I ever ran into any of them, I don't think I'd be as cordial as my wife!
posted by
JimmyA
on January 20, 2013 at 10:33 AM
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For me it depends on what the person did. Some things I can and have let go of easily. Other things would come flooding back with a person.
posted by
FormerStudentIntern
on January 19, 2013 at 12:20 PM
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Bullying is so ugly, so hurtful. Doubly sad is the person who never grows out of bullying and continues with it in their adult life and even into old age. Why they love to make people miserable, I could never understand.
posted by
TAPS.
on January 19, 2013 at 11:59 AM
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as you have read I too was picked on because of my weight and there was one gal back in gradeschool that we had a fight on the play ground and both of us got into trouble. I cant remember her name but her face is vague to me. And I really dont know what the fight was about. Yes I do know what it does to someones self esteem
posted by
Lanetay
on January 19, 2013 at 8:11 AM
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Jimmy
While I was never the victim of bullying, I did have my share of childhood conflicts with peers, among them fights, some of which I 'won', others 'lost'; but I can say in all honesty that I don't have the slightest feeling of animosity towards any of these guys. In fact, if one of them and I were to meet, we would probably be delighted and reminisce about those days...
posted by
Nautikos
on January 18, 2013 at 4:36 PM
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No statute of limitations on this that I know of, although
maybe there should be....no one likes memories of any type of bullying and, as has been said, it does us no good to hang onto them, although no one said it would be easy to let them go.
..
posted by
Rumor
on January 18, 2013 at 3:49 PM
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I really have no idea but one thing I know is that holding on to them just inflicts pain! So, in the words of Crosby, Stills and Nash, 'the past is just a good-bye!' Let them go and release yourself because they have had enough butting in on your life for me! sam 
posted by
sam444
on January 18, 2013 at 2:09 PM
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JimmyA
Great life blog and here's one I went to school with. Stole my lunches, beat the crap out of me in the church basement, like that. I forgave him. Here's why. I met him one night when I was giving an AA talk at St. Vincent De Paul Penitentiary ' the pen' outside Montreal. He had been there since a couple of years after we finished grade school. This guy robbed a grocery stote, was armed and shot a Montreal cop to death. God got revenge.That made forgiveness easy for me because he was there for life.
posted by
WileyJohn
on January 18, 2013 at 12:06 PM
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I meant "should not be confused".
posted by
UtahJay
on January 18, 2013 at 11:57 AM
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I don't rightly know Jimmy. I know how these things hurt and how that pain can linger, and I too have memories of school yard bullies and beyond, however, I feel as though if I cannot find it in me to forgive, then can I ever expect to be forgiven. Life is simply too short to worry about all the he said, she said words or even , as in my case, actions of the most despicable kind. It is always best to forgive...However, forgetting is different matter and should be confused.
posted by
UtahJay
on January 18, 2013 at 11:56 AM
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In answer to your last question
So, is there a statute of limitations when it comes to forgiving someone from your past for all of the hurtful things they said and did to you?
No I don't think that there is. Abuse, mental or physical, sexual or cruel and intimidating, I don't believe that there can ever be a limitation on what is done to Children or the weaker. not that i think that you should seek out the bullies from your past and beat them up....they aren't worth paying another price for...but your wife was better than me. i would have seen straight through that woman, never known she was there no matter how much she called out.
posted by
Kabu
on January 18, 2013 at 11:53 AM
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