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Re:adding -ed to finish
I never thought of that - I went back and did it, as you can see. Thanks, Jay. The whole thing started with that title - it struck me that groping for the right word might be like one of those California guru's "vision-quests" I read about. It's going back in the drawer for a while so I can look at it fresh again in a few weeks.
posted by
2902
on July 6, 2012 at 2:47 AM
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Re:chemistry not found in the wordstore
You said it! I can go for weeks without an idea, but other times just a word or two can start the juices - without my even knowing what the poem is about or how it will end!It's a weird process.
posted by
2902
on July 6, 2012 at 2:34 AM
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Re:TAPS
You may be right, but more and more these days I'm finding my stuff improves when I shorten it. It seems that I start off so prosy while I'm getting the idea off the ground that I can cut the whole opening and not miss it. Other times I don't know when to stop.
posted by
2902
on July 6, 2012 at 2:29 AM
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I would not change a thing Bob...Well maybe add an ed to finish. I find it complete and whole. The first stanza would stand alone, but stanza 2 and 3 seem to complete it. At least for me.
posted by
UtahJay
on July 5, 2012 at 11:59 PM
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I think the poem turned out pretty fine Bob - there is chemistry probably not found in the
wordstore.
posted by
shobana
on July 5, 2012 at 11:13 PM
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Personally, I like the way you have it here--all three verses. All of that is quite familiar to me in my everyday life. I think you meant it just for me.
posted by
TAPS.
on July 5, 2012 at 9:34 PM
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sam444
Good to hear from YOU again! I fussed so much with this poem that I wasn't sure any more what shape it was really in, so I asked. I sometimes find myself looking for some magic word or USE of a word that just can't be looked up. For instance, in "A Narrow Fellow in the Grass", when Emily Dickinson looked down at her feet and suddenly discovered a snake there, look how she expressed how she felt - "zero at the bone." It's vivid, original, perfect - a description she could not have planned, I think. Word-magic.
posted by
2902
on July 5, 2012 at 8:19 PM
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Re: sam444
posted by
2902
on July 5, 2012 at 6:27 PM
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I am not sure this one needs a revision but you may be the only to discern that in the end! I just saw you were back and it's nice to read you again! sam
posted by
sam444
on July 5, 2012 at 5:32 PM
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Re: Re: I have such admiration for your work, am such a fan, and such a poetry
no not kind at all, tis true!!!
posted by
Kabu
on July 5, 2012 at 3:16 PM
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Re: "plain-meant sense"
Yeah, that phrase does go clunk. What I meant was "the word in its literal sense" - sometimes a common word can be made to serve in a new figurative way. I can't think of any examples right now, but Emily Dickinson did it all the time. Very useful comment -you'll probably see it used in the revision. Thank you.
posted by
2902
on July 5, 2012 at 3:12 PM
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This sentence stopped me in my tracks – “ I use its plain-meant sense, I'm sure”. I’m guessing you meant you use the metaphor literally but I’m just guessing. That’s the only line I found awkward.
posted by
Troosha
on July 5, 2012 at 12:28 PM
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Re: Re:criticism
I know what you mean about criticism on blogit, but I don't want that to be an issue here. I asked advice once before on a poem about second chances and found it helpful. Like everyone else, of course, I ask more suggestions than I finally adopt, but that shouldn't stop the asking. I like the poem and feel I could use some advice. I'm stalled.
posted by
2902
on July 5, 2012 at 10:34 AM
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Re:
Yes now Kabu has made me seem cruel. It is fatal to critisize on this site, so I invite you across to HOME and GARDEN and you can kick the compost out of me..
posted by
C_C_T
on July 5, 2012 at 10:24 AM
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Re:revision
I'm sure you're right (I like the verse you cited). Because I agree the poem needs revision, there's still hope for me. Rhyming never was my strong suit, but be sure I'll try. What made me start to get it on paper at all was that I'd come up with some images and comparisons (word store, combust, spark, snap) that seemed to belong to the subject.
I want the poem to work. Let me see what I can do with it.
posted by
2902
on July 5, 2012 at 8:14 AM
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Re: I have such admiration for your work, am such a fan, and such a poetry
You're far too kind, Kabu.
posted by
2902
on July 5, 2012 at 7:59 AM
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This could be a good poem Bob but I feel it it too precise I think you want to lay back a bit or lay it on I don't know why you didn't make it rhyme it would be so easy to buff it up with words that make it sing a little. I was so lonely in my shroud, I had no time for ails or ills When all at once I cried out loud, Gin does not go with sleeping pills. Wordsworth no another chap Pennyworth.
posted by
C_C_T
on July 5, 2012 at 7:42 AM
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I have such admiration for your work, am such a fan, and such a poetry
novice myself that I would never be able to help you edit. Others will though.
posted by
Kabu
on July 5, 2012 at 7:29 AM
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