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Re: Bel
Wiley,
You are such a dear. I don't see it as courage, just simply making the choice to do it better than I did before. Life is difficult for most of us but in the end it's what we choose to make it. 
posted by
Bel_
on September 21, 2010 at 7:19 PM
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Bel
Good for you luv, life has been difficult and you are living it with courage luv.
posted by
WileyJohn
on September 21, 2010 at 6:08 PM
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Re:
Sam,
Even that I feel is "partly" by choice. After several heart attacks and a having COPD, she is still puffing on a cigarette between puffs on the inhaler.
posted by
Bel_
on September 21, 2010 at 11:33 AM
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I agree with you, it is about us and how we handle things! So awful for your mother to be so frail at such a young age! She is not much older than myself and I make every effort to have a good day, she should try it once and she might be amazed! And, good that you don't give into her need for control! OUCH! sam
posted by
sam444
on September 21, 2010 at 10:12 AM
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Re: HIya, Bel!
Strat,
Thank you so much. That is one of the highest compliments I have ever been given.
posted by
Bel_
on September 21, 2010 at 10:02 AM
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HIya, Bel!
I have to say, these posts on forgiveness are some of the most well-written, well thought out, deeply heartfelt pieces I have ever read. Wow!
posted by
strat
on September 21, 2010 at 9:51 AM
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Re: Regarding Pat B's comment, Miserable people LOVE spreading the pain around!
Well said Guy. For so long most of us has been told we are selfish if we walk away from someone or something that is causing damage to us. But for me I see it like this: I have a beautiful 16 year old daughter for whom I have fought most of her life to give her a sense of self and self love. I want her to have better than I did and I want her to put herself first when it's the healthy thing to do. I owe it to her to be the example she can follow and I damn well will be just that!
We get one shot in this life...we can spend the journey being miserable or we can look beyond the misery and see the beauty that is in front of our faces. I prefer to see the beauty.
posted by
Bel_
on September 21, 2010 at 9:13 AM
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Re: I can completely identify with your ongoing trials with your mother.
Pat,
I made the choice to "try" with her at this point of my life. I see her for what she is and I know for myself this is a temporary situation. I won't allow her to spoil this time with my brother. As I look back at old patterns of behavior that I have had to break over the years, it seems many of the ones that have been the most destructive in my life have been ones I learned from her.
As I said, she is my mother and so I love her as my mother. I won't be staying here very long and then I will be back in the UP with my daughter. What have I learned from this experience? To make sure my daughter never feels the way I do right now. Carl and I have managed to raise a beautiful, self confident young woman, who is smart, funny and simply amazing in spite of ourselves. Now as she becomes an adult we have to allow her to spread her wings while we close our eyes and PRAY that she doesn't crash. But, she will have the wings to do just that and if she does fall, then she will always have a place to call home with us if she needs it.
My peace and sanity are crucial and NOBODY gets to take that away.
posted by
Bel_
on September 21, 2010 at 9:07 AM
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Regarding Pat B's comment, Miserable people LOVE spreading the pain around!
I have observed that those who suffer in unrelenting pain, seem to think that by giving others just as much misery as they are experiencing, they are somehow making their own pain, more endurable. Illogical I know, but this is something that I have seen angry, chronic pain sufferers do to those who care about and FOR them, dozens of times. I have lived with some and seen several in this circumstance. One cannot share their own pain by giving portions of theirs, with those who cannot just go away, but everybody certainly CAN inflict it.
Distancing oneself from toxic influences in one's life, is the only effective therapy, that I know of. Isn't it strange that those we love the most, are the ones who can do the most hurtful, damaging things to us? Handing back or handing OUT pain only encourages further futile interaction, by making sufferers feel more alive, and is a distracting diversion from focusing on their PAIN, PAIN, PAIN!
I agree with Bel, that seeking or giving of forgiveness, is pretty much irrelavant. Self-defense, self-preservation, and self-removal from a toxic situation, are the only answers to becomming a survivor. Save your self first!
Guy
posted by
northsage_45
on September 21, 2010 at 8:52 AM
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Re: I spent MANY days planning the murder of my ex. Operative word PLANNING!
Guy
Sometimes we simply have to do what does keep us sane. Others don't have to understand...it's not for them anyway; it's for ourselves.
I am so sorry you were hurt so deeply, forgiveness is never a requirement.
posted by
Bel_
on September 21, 2010 at 8:37 AM
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I can completely identify with your ongoing trials with your mother.
My mother was like yours in many ways: toxic. It took more than 40 years for me to understand the why of who she was, what drove her to be on the defensive and on the attack 24-7. She just didn't see what she inflicted on others, so wrapped up in her own wounds and insults inflicted on her early on. I chose not to deal with it. Moved away. Leaving her wasn't the only reason, of course -- and that decision led to trouble with a capital T. But you've got the makings of peace and sanity in you, and I admire the way you're dealing with the situation. Hard to realize at gut level, there's nothing personal in it, it's not you she's mad at. You're just a handy target.
posted by
Pat_B
on September 21, 2010 at 6:28 AM
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I spent MANY days planning the murder of my ex. Operative word PLANNING!
Bel,
This was back in '92, and she is still walking around, spreading darkness and misery, wherever she goes. Planning every detail of her slow death by torture, is what kept me from actually doing the world a big favor, but thereby throwing my remaining life away. I'm quite sure that this sounds completely illogical, but it is how I personally dealt with the massive harm she has done to the person that I could have been, had I never met her. I am also quite sure that I could have gotten away with her murder. I am highly intelligent, patient and knowledgeable about the importance of careful foreplanning. Would it have made me feel better, to go ahead and administer justice to her myself, or would having done so, have pushed me over the edge of madness? Who knows? I guess that just knowing, that I really COULD have gotten away with it, was enough to keep me sane.
As for forgiveness? That is completely out of the question. I will despise her, for at least ten thousand years after the last star burns out. She is evil personified.
Guy
posted by
northsage_45
on September 21, 2010 at 6:19 AM
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