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I liked this post! I look forward to more! sam
posted by
sam444
on August 20, 2009 at 2:44 AM
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Re: I assume you will get to this later
Yes, I will get into this aspect of sprituality later and also to look into the theories of soul mates and how that plays into this whole dynamic. Looking into ones own soul is a very good start and then making those evalutations clear enough to determine how they fit in to the process of courtship, love, and marriage. More important in some degree to the common interest is the common goals both immediate and in the future, i.e. children, financial goals, lifestyle, spirituality or religion, health and fitness, views on important issues, and common morals, principals, and integrity. These are beyond common interest in hobbies or leisure time. To often we see the Barbie looking for Ken syndrome (the male or female equivalent to ones self) being the primary motivation for the relationship. I dont believe this should be your only yardstick as there are too many more important things to consider.
posted by
willprt
on August 19, 2009 at 8:28 PM
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I assume you will get to this later
but one needs to examine one's own motivation in getting married and that of one's suitors. Though I love my children deeply, neither of my two marriages should have taken place, because both of my ex-wives saw me more as a father of their children than as a true and destined husband. For my part, I was accommodating and pitied them as they pitied me rather than feeling any destined love in our marriages. My first wife was an old female friend from high school whose last romance ended with an abortion of an ectopic pregnancy which nearly killed her. At the time, I had had a cold breakup of my last romance via letter when I started graduate school. My second wife was, for me, a rebound from a rebound from the first divorce and, for her, a rebound from what she described to me as being an abusive relationship. I was an avenue to a ready made beginning of a family, recently thwarted, since I had one child from the first marriage.
However, viewed superficially in the style of dating advisers, both unions would have been considered good matches. We were from similar socioeconomic backgrounds and had similar interests. We enjoyed talking to each other. We were friends who became lovers, though more rapidly with my second wife.
So what was missing? The spiritual connection that, in my case, would inspire me to write books of poetry effortlessly in adoration of my beloved simply wasn't there. And clearly, the spiritual connection which would have made cheating or a checklist for continuing our marriage both unthinkable was not there for my ex-wives. Without that spiritual connection, that element of destiny, there is no true passion. When another seemingly greener pasture appeared, they moved quickly to those and left me with the law's extreme prejudice whereby I have to pay child support for the privilege of being a "secondary residence" for my own children.
I would therefore strongly advise anyone considering a courtship leading to marriage to look into their own souls and see whether they are being called into marriage at all, whether they are called to be the destined help of the one they are considering marrying and whether their beloved is similarly called. Anything short of that is not worth it, as it will eventually end in divorce. Having gone through it twice, I can unequivocally that divorce is hell.
posted by
cpklapper
on August 19, 2009 at 3:04 PM
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