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Weep
We reap what we sow. Unfortunately, we also reap what other people sow, for better or for worse.
posted by
chyi
on November 17, 2003 at 6:31 AM
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Wiley, you sound like the kind of dad
your kids could love and admire. To struggle
and win over the demons. That takes guts. My
mom never did much with the life she had. Now
it's almost over for her. What a waste.
posted by
Cynthia
on November 17, 2003 at 5:01 AM
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Cynthia
wow, what courage to write it. I confess to feelings of guilt myself, reading all the comments, as I am a recovering alcoholic, sober 35 years now. We divorced when I was ten years sober though, and your mother reminds me a bit of my ex. She didn't want me drunk or sober, but, she couldn't break the marriage because of the "look" of it. " What would people say? How will I tell my mother? Damn, I was hoping you'd drink again so I could leave with dignity." Well, I broke the marriage in the days when one had to plead guilty in open court, to something like adultery.. Hey that was better than being a drunk again. Well, I lost my two sons over that divorce but that's alright, I always supported my family, had custody of my children and stayed sober.
posted by
WileyJohn
on November 16, 2003 at 6:21 PM
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Telynor, did you tell your mother you loved her?
and if you did, was it a lie or the truth?
posted by
Cynthia
on November 16, 2003 at 6:18 PM
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It's hard
I've been going through this myself, my own mother passing of a stroke in the spring. Quite sudden and a shock. No one warned me of the emotional and psychological rollercoaster to follow. And there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling.
posted by
telynor
on November 16, 2003 at 4:02 PM
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ShawnMichel, that was what I hoped you would do.
I wanted to know more. Thanks for giving me a window
into your life. I've found the best writing on the BN
helps me to put my life in perspective. Yours is
certainly among the tops in that group.
posted by
Cynthia
on November 16, 2003 at 11:07 AM
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missyj, seems to me
you've come a long way baby yourself, and I'm pleased to know you.
posted by
Cynthia
on November 16, 2003 at 11:04 AM
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Thank You
I very much appreciate your lovely comments on my post. I'd like to add a few things, if you would indulge me.
Mom was a homemaker. She was part of that generation that viewed such a role as largely obligatory (she'd be five years younger than your mother today, were she alive), and she truly had no desire to leave the home. In 1969, after she had contracted the disease, the doctors told my father that they would not be able to have sex anymore. My father, a very successful man, was also a raging alcoholic and a pathological liar. He'd already been having affairs behind Mom's back for years; now his rage and infidelity exponentiated. He abused her--despite her weakened condition; he had more affairs on her, now right in public view. He abused us, his children (all today are lost, save me, to alcoholism). He divorced Mom in 1974 and instantly remarried not six weeks later, and immediately began fooling around behind the back of his new bride.
Mom's fierce desire for life and love, I believe, came partly out of the sheer instinct to protect her children. It also came from her awakening. She had spent her life, she would tell me later, always following the rules: always doing what the church, the society, etc., told her. When the doctors pronounced her death sentence, she literally "woke up." The disease and my father would not beat her, no matter what. That was her attitude. Her love of life was always there; it unfortunately required a "green mile" to show her what really mattered. Under that small, medicine-filled frame a fighter was born, and it gives me shivers to this day to remember just how daunting that fighter was.
Your feelings toward your mother are the same as the ones I have for my father. We no longer speak (I have been disowned from his inheritance and from the family), and I have imagined many times killing him. What he did to Mom after the divorce was unspeakable; what he did to his children equally so. I can honestly say I do not love him, nor do I care for him. Nor do I remember affection from him--save my earliest memories--toward me. He has chosen his path, and now that path is ending. What a difference from my mom, who said, "Screw this path! I'm climbing those mountains!"
Shawn
posted by
ShawnMichel
on November 16, 2003 at 10:39 AM
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You have more fortitude,
along with your spirit and originality, than any woman I have yet to encounter. Kudos to you for a life well lived and judiciously loved.
posted by
missyjblog
on November 16, 2003 at 10:34 AM
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