Comments on Birdsong -2- Promises

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Re: Excellent!

Heh. Heh. I'll think about that, but I did use bust on purpose though I can't explain just why. Showgirls often refer to their bust, rather than their breasts or tits -- it's almost jargon rather than euphemism. Maybe I should say tits. :)

I'm walking a line with this story since I'm posting it online, I'm not using language like you would find in a modern paperback mystery novel. That isn't so apparent now but when we get deeper in, it will show more.

posted by Halfelven on April 1, 2008 at 10:24 AM | link to this | reply

Excellent!

And since you don't mind constructive critique, and others have altready raised the 'last sentence' issue, let me just suggest that the prim and proper 'bust' doesn't fit into the otherwise gritty washroom scene - 'breasts' would be more appropriate...

posted by Nautikos on April 1, 2008 at 6:39 AM | link to this | reply

Re: You have good writing skills, halfelven. Let me make a suggestion.

Thanks, Saul. Both good points. I debated on the last line before writing it and decided it was necessary. The other was just the use of a canned phrase and probably could be changed.

posted by Halfelven on March 31, 2008 at 1:13 PM | link to this | reply

I agree with Saul on his first point

but I think your last line is perfect: I believe that this is exactly what would be on his mind, and it puts the relationship in a clear light: he is distant from her, still alone in his head. He is using her just as she is using him. He sees people as irrelevant, or as targets. Killing doesn't bother him, requires no great moral consideration. It is either necessary or not.

As to the details of the bathroom--I also think you say far more than I need as a reader to have spelled out to me, to establish the scene and its meanings. This, however, might be regarded as a matter of taste--different readers, and writers, have different taste: really about what audience you are writing to, not so much an editorial matter.

As always, in my opinion!

posted by Ciel on March 31, 2008 at 12:36 PM | link to this | reply

I like the way the story is heading! sam

posted by sam444 on March 31, 2008 at 8:07 AM | link to this | reply

You have good writing skills, halfelven. Let me make a suggestion.

Don't tell us what's going to happen unless your character is thinking in that fashion. Like when Ike goes to relieve himself. "in the toilet" is too much information, besides most people will assume that's where he relieved himself (unless otherwise noted). And your last line, though a good teaser for melodrama, gives too much of your plot away. You could end it with a line like: He hated keeping promises that he shouldn't have made. Or something like that. It leaves the mystery there and gives nothing away. Or, if your story depends on your readers having some foreknowledge, you could say something to the effect that the last time he'd promised someone something so foolish, they had not survived.

Just suggestions. I like to edit and critique, so... Anyway, you do have good skills and your story is compelling, keeps moving and keeps one's attention. Write on...