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Very sensual :-)
I like it, Good job!!!
posted by
Sinome
on February 15, 2008 at 9:28 PM
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Re: Got a little lost in this one
Thank you for the feedback. I'll take it into consideration, maybe make the piece longer.
posted by
PearTree
on February 15, 2008 at 4:57 PM
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Got a little lost in this one
1st stanza--I like the idea and its approach, but for me, a little wordy and over-thought.You have a 1st principle (which you are juxtaposing, and is understood. so why repeat it?). I would go up to "1st Principle-- madness" and delete the rest.
2nd stanza: Have no idea what this has to do with your poem, or my reading it. If this is important to the voice of your poem, you haven't shown me why it is integral to understand what to are attempting to convey to me. Frankly, I'm lost. And I would delete it the whole stanza.
3rd Stanza: 2 more lines before you say what you want to say. You got me looking at the sky, before I understand what you want to tell me
(and your best line) the wind on fire.
Try this: keep 1st stanza to: 1st principle--madness
"The wind on fire" then compare that to which you already wrote.
The other alternative is to write a longer poem where your language of images conveys to me your actual intenions.
+
posted by
jfm32
on February 15, 2008 at 4:18 PM
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Very Good Work!
Naked Pictures Of Voices In My Head
posted by
CRShelley
on February 15, 2008 at 1:29 PM
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Your last verse is Haiku!! Would love some fire in the cold winds of New York!!!!
posted by
Soul_Builder101
on February 15, 2008 at 10:33 AM
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Re: sam444
Thanks. This is one of my favorite meditations.
posted by
PearTree
on February 15, 2008 at 10:12 AM
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Great work, the whole poem is on fire! sam
posted by
sam444
on February 15, 2008 at 8:27 AM
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