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Re: Ariala
Thank you .. it's nice to know what your thoughts are about my style of writing .. i'll try more imagery in the future .. i woud want to experience that as well .. but i hope you can tell that i write that way cuz of the simplicity it offers?
posted by
Angesom_AG
on January 26, 2008 at 9:16 AM
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This is lovely
Thanks much for sharing it.
Also, thanks for stopping by my blog recently!
posted by
NightMajik
on January 23, 2008 at 4:22 AM
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It seems you are ready for Valentines day.....
posted by
star4sky5
on January 22, 2008 at 10:15 PM
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I liked the line...
I sing for your presence.
posted by
food4thought
on January 22, 2008 at 9:33 PM
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delicious words to read... beautiful love 
posted by
pelagus
on January 22, 2008 at 7:46 PM
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Angesom
Thank you for visiting my blog. Somehow, I have missed seeing you. Now that I know you are here, I will have to read you more often. I like your style.
posted by
TAPS.
on January 22, 2008 at 6:27 PM
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Hi there!
Sorry, I didn't mean to neglect you...as for teaching, here are the main rules I try to go by:
1. Am I saying something in original, fresh language or repeating the words often heard in songs, etc.? In other words, NO CLICHES.
2. Do I rhyme just because I've been taught poetry rhymes? No need to rhyme unless it comes naturally and you're wanting a metered poem.
3. Show don't tell...too many people tell how they feel but they don't show it...in other words, instead of saying ANGRY, SAD, LOVE, etc...use metaphors, similes and descriptive words that show these emotions.
4. Search for strong imagery, and appeal to all the senses...
As for your poem, here are some thoughts:
Empty a bottomless pit (bottomless pit is a cliche...what's another word for it?
Level the greatest summit (excellent phrase)
I crave to undo the hurt (crave and hurt just don't jive...maybe ache?)
Change is on the way my love (show, don't tell)
Don’t be afraid
The clouds will rain
And sun will shine again
I’ll have (All these lines are overused, cliches)
Oasis warm (good imagery and description)
Devoted to only you (show devotion)
Elements in it
Moving to your tune
Soon
Life’s having you here (by my side)
I feel powerless
Lacking the very essence of my being
I sing for your presence
Longing to hear you rhyme these words to me:
Change is on the way my love
Don’t be afraid
The clouds will rain
And sun will shine again
I’ll have
Oasis warm
Devoted to only you
Elements in it
Moving to your tune
Soon
I love you.
Sorry, but the rest is just in language that's overdone, cliche...we need fresh imagery...maybe build around oasis...
Hope that helps!
posted by
Ariala
on January 22, 2008 at 4:31 PM
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beautifully done
posted by
quietguy7
on January 22, 2008 at 3:22 PM
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How very lovely Angesom! Chris.
posted by
Scramble
on January 22, 2008 at 12:45 PM
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I enjoyed it, Angesom
posted by
Kayzzaman
on January 22, 2008 at 9:51 AM
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Angesom
We should all be an "oasis" for the person we love....
posted by
Troosha
on January 22, 2008 at 9:22 AM
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a song of love-- your musical energies dominate here & sunshine breaks in
http://t3.images.live.com/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=1489198063670&id=b44fa7ee9aa63d1836be377048496b3f
posted by
ILLUMINATI8
on January 22, 2008 at 8:54 AM
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Beautiful !
posted by
afzal50
on January 22, 2008 at 7:38 AM
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posted by
flappergirl
on January 22, 2008 at 7:15 AM
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