Go to I Do, Adieu
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Talion
I always welcome your thoughts. They are articulate, educated and most definitely well written.
You are right, none of it does matter -- the things we lose; it is just the essence of loss that is embodied in these things we hold dear. It is exhausting like no workout at the gym or waitressing job I have ever had. It is mental; it is physical. It could make a person hard. And I am not hard - nor do I ever want to be. So it is an internal battle.
The baby book is gone; the baby lives. That is all that really matters, I know. But I mourn still. And I can't shake it, no matter how hard I try.
Thanks for your posts. Again I am always so very impressed with your words.
posted by
flappergirl
on November 13, 2007 at 6:34 AM
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flappergirl
How do you adequately respond to something like this? Saying "I'm sorry" sounds so hollow and trite. Saying "things will be okay eventually" sounds glib, like some new age gobbly gook. Saying nothing can be seen as cruel and unfeeling. Alas, it's the great conundrum I doubt I'll ever solve.
Death of a loved one is the only thing I can't fix. It's the only thing I can't salvage, influence, control, or alter. When it happens, it happens and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. This realization resulted in a simple philosophy. If no one is dead, there's no problem. Anything else is just an inconvenience. Some inconveniences are far greater than others, but that doesn't change the fact of what they are. At times this frustrates Queen V to no end. When she gets bent out of shape about something, seriously rages against the machine, she doesn't understand why whatever it is doesn't effect me as much, if at all. In fits of anger, she accuses me of being passive or worse, not caring about anything, but that's not exactly true. I worry about things and I have my fair share of fears and doubts, and when pressed, I can rage with the best of them, but in the back of my mind, when it's all over and done with, I know I have but two choices. Change it or learn to live with it. Fate has tested the limits of my philosophy on numerous occasions. Though I've not faced anything similar to your ordeal (and even if I did, I wouldn't dare insult you by recounting it, like I'm playing some demented game of one-up-manship), it's held firm. Even the worst situation is monumentally better when I have the people I love most.
After reading this post, I walked through my home taking inventory of all the things that have great sentimental value, the things that would devastate me if I lost. I searched through the bedroom, the closet, both spare bedrooms and even the garage. I didn't find one single thing that meant that much to me. Sure there's a ton of stuff that I like, things that by the simple fact I have them is proof they mean something to me, but nothing I couldn't toss in the trash and not think twice about. Nothing I have can't be replaced.
Maybe the fact I don't have children contributes to this. Without heirs, a legacy is unimportant. Maybe it's a family quirk, an oddity in the way I was raised. When my mother and aunt died in February, no one else in the family sifted through their belongs, haggling over who would get what. None of it was important to any of us. Maybe I'm just an unsentimental lout strangely devoid of attachments "normal" people accumulate over the course of their lives. Or maybe I transform all the special "things" into memories and hoard them in my head rather than symbols hoarded in my home. Maybe it's simply inexperience rearing its naive head once again, that if such an unfortunate situation actually happened to me, I'd find countless possessions I take for granted.
posted by
Talion
on November 12, 2007 at 11:20 PM
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You express yourself very well and I
hope you find just a smidge of relief by sharing your pain here. I feel so bad for you and what you're having to go through. I think it's good you were finally able to find yourself in a place where you could open up and cry, and cry and cry until you were spent.
posted by
justanotherskinnybitch
on November 12, 2007 at 7:05 AM
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posted by
afzal50
on November 12, 2007 at 12:31 AM
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I am reading your after a lapse of of few days...nice post, flipper
posted by
Kayzzaman
on November 11, 2007 at 8:51 PM
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flappergirl
take care
posted by
richinstore
on November 11, 2007 at 7:37 PM
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