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opheliablue
I thought that I was going to get some disproving responses to this and in the most part, bloggers have been very supportive. I guess this situation is more common than I thought, of course at the time I felt that I was the only one with such an issue in my life. Tim frustrated me to no end. No other person in this life has ever made me feel so exasperated. It was awful.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 8, 2007 at 8:06 PM
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My instinct is to want to respond by saying...
...meaningless things, I know, like don't blame yourself.... it was a cycle that began and escalated.. and while your own childhood experiences may not be seen as an 'excuse,' they are so often the 'reason' - but I know that none of that really helps and that it is all more complicated than that. And aside from all of that, this stage of going back over what happened and remembering more and more details (now that you are out of the immediate situation and not simply trying to keep going from one moment to the next) is so natural. I think in so many situations, when the immediate danger/stress/whatever it is, is removed, that is when the thinking can set in about the past - because it has time to now. And it is so natural that much of that will bring up feelings you weren't feeling before...
I do think violence in childhood can make violence in later life more likely (or at the other end of the scale, completely unlikely) and I noticed you use the word 'frustration' in connection with Tim... it can be incredible what frustration can make you do. I'm thinking now of two times in the same relationship with a person who would never argue or get angry back, whatever happened.. and two times when I lashed out terribly. I find it hard to believe that was me.
I really hope that having this blog to write this all down in as it happens will help you - and that re-reading it later will help too 
posted by
opheliablue
on September 8, 2007 at 2:30 PM
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Pat_B
You don't know how much I loved him and how much I wanted it to work. But we both ended up ruining it completely. It is so, so tragic and sad, it's just depressing.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 7:41 PM
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FineYoungSinger
Thank you for your lovely email. I do feel like a surviver, but I feel like I am still not healed and I don't know how long it will take.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 7:40 PM
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Once that stuff starts, you're already divorced emotionally.
All the rest of it, including the paperwork, is follow-up. Once violence gets started, it almost never goes away -- it just keeps getting worse. Too bad we can't just get along.
posted by
Pat_B
on September 7, 2007 at 3:58 PM
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Good for you.
you will be OK....I Know, I'm also a survivor.
posted by
FineYoungSinger
on September 7, 2007 at 1:35 PM
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posted by
Amanda__
on September 7, 2007 at 12:58 PM
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FineYoungSinger
It is true that I didn't feel safe at all with him and when we moved far away from our families it just got worse. It's like he was separating me from my family to be able to do whatever he wanted. I am trying to forgive myself.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 11:19 AM
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brianne_amai
Thank you so much for your words. It is true that I've been drawn into several bad relationships. I had some of the same problems with another guy when I was 18, but obviously not as extreme. At least I didn't marry him.
My mom is very messed up, unfortunatedly. Her mom was already quite older and hardened by having six previous kids. She wasn't even there when I was born. Anyway, I guess I have to break the cycle because I don't want our kids to end up like that too.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 11:18 AM
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Forgive yourself--you were caught in a viscious cycle of abuse.
When you're in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship, you do things that you would never do had you been cherished, loved and nurtured by your lover. Instead you were threatened, mocked and bullied. How can a person do anything but protect themselves? We lash out, lose control, because that is the desired effect of an abuser's actions--it wrongly justifies in their mind abusing others. You weren't safe--physically or emotionally. Forgive yourself.
posted by
FineYoungSinger
on September 7, 2007 at 10:59 AM
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WOW
First and foremost, yes, the fact that your mother did those things to you is part of the reason you've done them too. Just because you're an adult now, doesn't mean you can erase what you were taught as a child. Things we LIVE become imbedded in us and given the right circumstances, they will come out. I am in no means saying that you were wrong, or right. Right and wrong are relative terms. It happened, period.
Most people would never admit to what they've done, but seeing that you have not only admitted it, but feel remorse for it, says something about you. Everything is for a reason, this experience was necessary for you to become who you are and who you will be in the future. This is part of your path and you SEE that that is not who you want to be.
People don't realize how things can affect us as children. They like to pass judgment and say that *"you're an adult, you should know better..." Our brains don't work that way. Anyone who's taken a few Psychology courses understands that things don't work that way. This is something you will have to work on with your therapist. You need to get to a point where you don't react in violence when that trigger is pulled... Because that's what it is, a trigger. You're already well on your way as you can recognize it and see that it is not who you want to be.
It's become clear to me that you were drawn into this abusive relationship BECAUSE of how you were treated as a child. Just because you weren't beaten unconscious, doesn't mean you weren't affected in a serious way. Something deep down inside is telling you that that's how you should be treated. Maybe consciously you're saying NO, I know I deserve better...but deeper in your subconscious, something is saying the opposite.
Keep working, you remind me of myself... Determined to clean the closet of your issues and be HAPPY.
It can be done!!! Good luck to you on your journey
*When I was about 5 or 6 I was visiting my dad and his NEW family... I rarely saw my dad as it was and his new wife hated me; her daughter was a couple years younger than me. I'll say she was 3 or 4. She was a mean child. She was also jealous because she wanted my dad all to herself. One day we were sitting in the bedroom and she scratched me, pinched me and pulled my hair........so, naturally, I did it back! Well as soon as I did she started screaming and went to her mom to tell her what happened... I got in trouble, and spanked with a wooden spoon...by my dad who didn't have a clue how to deal with a child....that little brat didn't get in trouble at all because, as I was told by her mother, "you're older, you should have known better..."
See the fallacy of the "you're older/you're an adult, you should know better" argument...? It was just an excuse to punish me. It is just used to induce guilt. Guilt is pointless, if you're at all into reading, please please PLEASE pick up a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer called Your Erroneous Zones. It WILL change your life.
Well that bitch didn't last long! She got booted just like alllllllll the other women in my dads life. Oh, excuse my language...
posted by
brianne_amai
on September 7, 2007 at 10:59 AM
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Mademoiselle
It's hard not to do, though. How do you make it go away? Only time can do that, I guess.
He probably deserved it, LOL.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 8:18 AM
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Well, needless to say, the relationship was an extremely unhealthy one, and mistakes were made on both sides.
There's no point in dwelling on the particulars, or living in shame and regret, however.
P.S. I once stabbed my boyfriend with a pencil, and actually drew blood. Seriously.
"Correct actions in the future are the best apologies for wrong actions in the past."
posted by
Mademoiselle
on September 7, 2007 at 8:15 AM
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Erato2
He did bring out the worst in me. I had never been so out of control in my life. Day in and out, I felt I lived outside my body.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 7:55 AM
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Oh my, very tragic, Le Divorce
There are people/relationships that bring out the worst in us...doesn't mean we are justified in our behaviors, but that we should step back and examine our coping mechanisms. (in your case, way back to an ending, which, imo, is a sound judgement) May you find peace and closure.
posted by
Katray2
on September 7, 2007 at 7:54 AM
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Offy
I am very sorry about your son and your DIL. Tom did tell his mom that I would hit him but he didn't tell her the whole story, of course and of course, she hates me. However, while she was visiting us once, she saw an argument between us and she saw how Tim got right in my face, pushing me with his body. She told him, "I don't know why you complain when you do the same thing". As I said, I feel very ashamed.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 7:54 AM
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I dunno what to say about it...I guess maybe your culture could have played a role in your response to him. It's very sad and I don't know that you should carry any shame because you recognize what you did and altered your behavior. That in itself says a lot about you..
I do know my DIL hits my son (who has never raised a hand to any woman in his life) and that wrecked my nerves when I saw the bruises he carried. I finally told him to take back everything I ever taught him about hitting a woman. She still strikes out at him from time to time but I did let her know myself that I was watching....I don't believe in hitting...BUT you have seen and are doing something about your behavior, heck most people wouldn't even admit they did something like that...God Bless you...
posted by
Offy
on September 7, 2007 at 7:47 AM
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Troosha
It definitely was an abusive relationship and the fact is I became abusive too. I was nagging, I would scream all the time.
posted by
le_divorcee
on September 7, 2007 at 7:38 AM
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Le
When we find ourselves entangled in a relationship that is going down hill; one that is based on anger and posturing, we do strange things. Looking back you can see how outrageous it all was - how sick and self destructive the situation became. In the moment(s) we have knee jerk reactions. Don't be so hard on yourself although it is certainly something you should share with your therapist. If anything he/she can help you explore why you allowed it to go on so long. My daughter was in an abusive relationship and she eventually started striking back as well. I have asked her to go talk to someone about it - to examine why she put up with it - but she resists. My greatest fear is that if she does not examine the core reasons why she felt tolerating abuse was an easer path than immediate change, history will simply repeat itself.
posted by
Troosha
on September 7, 2007 at 7:34 AM
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