Go to MY PERCEPTIVE REFLECTION!!
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- Go to I NEED SOME ADVICE FROM PARENTS WHO HAVE DEALT WITH CHALLENGING BEHAVIOUR!!
WOW!!!!!!
Thank you all so much for your comments....I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some advice...I will certainly take all into consideration...
posted by
_Symphony_
on June 24, 2007 at 6:15 AM
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SO much good advice offered here.. the only thing I would say.. and it might have already been said.. is to take care of yourself.. try. and I know it is hard. to have time for yourself away from him .. recharge your batteries.. give yourself some space away from the situation to get some perspective and peace of mind.
~Peace, OTA
posted by
Blue_feathers
on June 23, 2007 at 3:00 PM
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MadamShyness-no-sorry I have no advice to offer-but-I have 'found' your
site and my Heart goes out to you!! God bless you and I sincerely pray that it won't be too long before things start getting better! Once you have hit rock bottom-the only way to go is-up! Chris.
posted by
Scramble
on June 23, 2007 at 7:57 AM
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I hope someone can help.
Smiles
and roses
from me and =^..^= Bo!
posted by
Whacky
on June 22, 2007 at 8:36 PM
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Just wanted to encourage you that..
someone once said, having a child is like wearing your heart outside of your body.
Sometimes things happen and mothers start asking, what did I do wrong?
But it isn't always the mothers' fault. Or the child's, for that matter.
Be patient and trust God, your children will turn out fine. Pray for them.
I wrote this on my other blog last month: am I a good mother?
hope it blesses you.
posted by
sotonggal
on June 22, 2007 at 4:26 PM
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Madamshyness
The only thing I can add to this excellent advise is the "Abandon Ship Approach" when you are out and encounter this difficult behaviour. I have used this with my boys in the past. Tell your son you will not tolerate these tantrums in public, that if he misbehaves you will leave whatever nice place you are at and come home. Then when you are out give one warning and follow this through. Mine soon learnt they would not stay long at the park, visiting friends etc if they misbehaved. It should work for situations that he enjoys and that's a start. My heart goes out to you - don't let any Critical People get you down - you are doing just fine with far more difficult circumstances than many have had to deal with .
Put on your thickest skin and hold your head high. lol
posted by
Dolls-43
on June 22, 2007 at 3:19 PM
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MadamShyness
I believe you could follow Pat B, to the point of asking him to be a help. Make special time for him. Bring up positive conversation about the time you spent in the shelter, telling him you are so happy they are out of there and don't have to hear people say ugly things. Let him you are not going back and that the three of you are free from the ugliness of that place. Also that you were helped by the goodness of the place. I personally would ignore what he says totally, I would not speak to him during one of these. They say ignoring one is worse than any punishment. He wants more than anything, your attention. Show him he cannot get it if he is ugly. Who cares what the general public thinks they do not pay your bills, love you or your children. Do the best you can. My overall treatment for children is: Father God, show me direction. Give him a peaceful heart and mind. Help him to understand bad things do not belong to him in the Name of Jesus. Pray this believing it will come because Jesus said ask anything you like of my father, believing in the name of Jesus and you shall have it. Two keys here...believing...Asking of God in the name of Jesus.
posted by
Justi
on June 22, 2007 at 2:17 PM
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All the ladies on this page have excellent advice. I cant top it but
something that has worked for me these two weeks dealing with a severly autistic boy( and does he throw tantrums) is to always be the boss and in charge. Consistency is the key. I know you struggling right now to be really strong because of all the other changes going on in your life. But dont let him see you cry or helpless. kids sense fear or insecurity and attack if w appear vulnerable. Act your heart out,being the consistent toughie. He will soon realise you cant mess with mama.
posted by
proc
on June 22, 2007 at 12:12 PM
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Here is what I would do if I were in your place.
1. Stop 'trying' for six months at least to fix the things.Let him Be.
2. Stop feeling embarassed.Why everybody should sit in a judgement seat.
3. I would consider it my examination as a parent for my patience.
4. I won't expect a certain behaviour.I will watch and give a neutral unoffending look only.
5. I would be more accountable to my child than people around.
6. No comparison.Every human being is unique.
posted by
circuit
on June 22, 2007 at 8:31 AM
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posted by
lovelyladymonk
on June 22, 2007 at 7:41 AM
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Pat B has it right
The thing that kids crave is consistency, they feel safe if they can rely on whats going to happen. This will be hard, very hard, no doubt about it. Don't start the plan unless you are fortified to battle with him for a few weeks. He's old enough to talk to quietly (when he's calm) and let him know how his behaviour makes you feel. At the end of the talk, explain that you want to let him know what the new rules are. There might only need to be two or three (this should be a family meeting with your daughter as well so she can participate and encourage her brother).
Get two things at the store - a timer (unless you have a microwave with one on it) and some kind of board that you can put up and mark with big stars to reward good behaviour.
Both kids should have small things to help with, putting toys away, helping to set the table, brushing the dog etc. Every time they do something they are asked they get a star and a big fuss made about how good they are. If they have a tantrum, they get a time out, not much attention (other than getting put back and a stern, "you stay there, you are in time out" and a star gets taken away. At the end of the week, if they have a certain number of stars (you set the number) they get a small treat.
The time out means a consequence for misbehaving (it would be a good idea to write out the rules and put the paper on the wall beside the star chart). He has to sit somewhere until the timer goes off. I'd suggest a minute for every year of his age - so 4 minutes. If he gets up, the timer goes back and starts over.
If he won't even sit for a second in time out, start talking about what the consequence will be....and then do it. Take a favourite toy away and lock it up, keep taking things away until he sits in time out for the 4 minutes. It will be a battle of wills and you have to win. Once you start you can't give up, or it reinforces his behaviour that he can do what he wants.
Good luck, it will be a hard few weeks but worth it in the end.
posted by
DivineDiva
on June 22, 2007 at 6:47 AM
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Dealing with a tantrum is the worst! Almost impossible.
Your only option at the crisis moment is a time out - not for you - for the child. He needs to be in a quiet environment, no toys, no TV or stimuli, until he calms down. This needs to happen every time and without fail. Which means you have to become a rock that can't hear, can't respond, can't be beaten or screamed into pleading or cajoling. It's vital to become the voice of authority at times, it's what they need.
The reason behind tantrums is a sense of being ignored or discounted - and therefore jealous. He wants your undivided attention, your approval. If you can set aside special time with him on a regular basis -- even fifteen minutes reading a book, listening to his stories, drawing with crayons or coloring in a book, -- a time he feels cherished and has you all to himself, it will take away the need to act out.
Ask him to help you. We all need to be needed, and if you can chat while he sets the table for dinner it will build responsibility and mutual respect. If he gets his daily emotional requirement, he won't need to kick you in the shins for attention.
posted by
Pat_B
on June 22, 2007 at 5:27 AM
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Madam
Sounds as if you have a dilemma on your hands. I heard Dr. Phil say once that you must deal with children on their level- find our what their currency is. What is the most valuable thing to him? Deny him that when he doesn't do what you ask, and be consistent about it. You will immediately take back your power and defuse the situation. Best of luck to you.
posted by
avant-garde
on June 22, 2007 at 3:02 AM
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Good morning shy
Oh dear well I can tell you that when my kids went through the phase of "potty mouthing" I put a jar on the table...I labeled it "POTTY MOUTH" and each time they said a cuss word they were fined and had to pay a dime to the jar. I believe if you can't hit them and we still can't kill em and it really serves no purpose to restrict them.( that's like punishing ourselves)...hit them in the pockets...it hurts worse. Especially when they see you mean business and take that money to buy yourself something nice like a big ice creme cone to eat in front of them...It's called tough love! Good luck~
posted by
Offy
on June 22, 2007 at 2:44 AM
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