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Majroj, then you are a truely postmodern person
everything is relative, there is no truth, it's just what a person cares to think or says is true, for them, at the time, that counts. I buy that! It's certainly how the Bush administration has run this country, whatever works!
posted by
Cynthia
on September 30, 2003 at 2:53 PM
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I think you have to put a tracking collar on people to get a true picture of their activites.
I'm a statistical skeptic in the school of Disraeli ("Lies, damned lies, and statistics"). SHow me the study structure and the questionaire, or have one of the canvassers do it for a few hours in front of me (hiding behind a book).
I used to love "Family Feud". .."Survey Says..." (that it was done at a nursing home right after medication time).
posted by
majroj
on September 30, 2003 at 2:39 PM
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Hmm....
And so the myth will perpetuate.
posted by
ginnieb
on September 30, 2003 at 10:22 AM
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Well said ginnieb
But the studies keep getting done, and the statistics seem to be at odds
with what people say they want or believe. Then there is the anecdotal
evidence on top that also seems to point in the opposite direction of
what people say, in public, regarding their relationships.
posted by
Cynthia
on September 30, 2003 at 9:53 AM
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Hypocrisy
It's the hypocrisy that is so damanging and makes the concept of monogamy all the more confusing. "But I am appalled at the hypocrisy practiced by all manner of people when it comes to relationships. Men, women, conservatives, and especiallly the "God fearing folks" they are the worst." Infidelity is rife and not only practiced by the misdirected...this whole topic is huge and needs a lot more research before it can be put into a neat category.
posted by
ginnieb
on September 30, 2003 at 8:37 AM
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huh?
...how did the concept of monogomy become equated with "cheating" and forgiving? Monogomy means a couple DOES NOT take sex outside the relationship from the moment a couple commits to one another.
It does not mean that there will never be temptations to cheat - it means that the love and integrity of the indiviuals within that coupling will resist such temptations. We have become a society that seems to believe in instant graitification... a Burger King world where we have the right to have it our way at all times... that is bullshit. We have no divine right to sexually sample all interesting potential bed mates in search of the ultimate fuck. It is one thing to look, fantisize, ponder the possibilities... that doesn't mean the tempted have to indulge the urge. It takes a great deal of personal integrity to stay in a monogomous relationship, but the rewards are worth it, in my opinion. I believe in making love, not gratuitous sex for pleasure - there is a difference.
posted by
HannahBull-Lector
on September 30, 2003 at 4:09 AM
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Yer g'dang welcome Cynthia...
Maj of course had Crabby ROFLHAO!!!! He is a true gem!!!!
posted by
Crabby
on September 30, 2003 at 3:56 AM
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I'm happy to see all the thoughtful comments.
posted by
Cynthia
on September 30, 2003 at 3:53 AM
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Well...
1. You maybe ought to onsider a ltle more groveling and a little less "straight in the eye". Eye orbit fractures are harder to heal than back bruises.
2. You can't be a "true romantic" and be monogamous. But you have to try for it!!
posted by
majroj
on September 29, 2003 at 10:03 PM
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Majroj --
Yes, you're right. Monogamy is when you have the guts to stand up and say, "I screwed up." Not everyone can do that, and it's even harder to look your partner in the eye and ask for that forgiveness. No, you may not get it, but at least you
tried and that counts for a lot in my book.
posted by
telynor
on September 29, 2003 at 9:23 PM
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I hope people can find their optimal relationship style and go with it.
If you can't understand monogamy, then it isn't for you. If you think monogamy is a perfect relationship between two people made for each other and no others, you also don't understand it; good luck, you are a sitting target for temptation. People fail, make big time mistakes, get angry, fall prey to manipulation. Monogamy is coming back from a failure with the knowledge you blew it and the overwhelming hope (not the certainty) that you will be forgiven; it is also having respect enough for your person and your marriage to make your better half (well, maybe not for the moment) know your feelings on this, let him or her experience it and their reactions to it, and then, if it is possible, forgive. And once burned....never, ever again.
(This also applies to: buying a boat or really major appliance without telling your spouse; accidentally burning down the house; making serious, inaccurate charges against your spouse and being proven wrong; the death of an offspring; getting arrested).
I guess it isn't so much about sexual fidelity, or the veracity (and scientific sampling) of a poll, but the interplay and trust between two people who have committed themselves wholeheartedly to making a union work. Regardless of sex, its occurance or absence, the genderal juxtaposition; it is spending your personal currency (time, care, attention, priority) on one person.
posted by
majroj
on September 29, 2003 at 9:15 PM
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Interesting thoughts.
I will admit to a certain bias when it comes to monogamy -- I think people can be faithful, if they have the belief that their partner's happiness is important. But I won't condemn anyone for that (well, my ex, but he cheated on _me_ which makes the difference), because I don't know what their situation is. As for cyber stuff, well, that's just talking. Shift to the physical, and then there's all kinds of hell to pay.
posted by
telynor
on September 29, 2003 at 8:18 PM
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All Crabby knows is....
She is having a cyber affair and the g'dang time of her life!!! And as soon as she or Chris can jump that puddle.... woaaaaaaa!!!!! It will be the noise that was heard around the g'dang world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No she does not feel guilty... she feels happy for the first g'dang time since she got married!!!!! Marriage sucks!!!!
posted by
Crabby
on September 29, 2003 at 6:58 PM
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HannahBull
I'm not selling anything. I'm pointing out how people actually act in their real lives when no one is looking. Sex is definitely a commodity that we all use to barter with. You pointed this out in one of your earlier posts. I look at the reality, how do people act, what do they want for themselves? Do actions speak louder than words?
As far as sex goes, I'd have to say, yes.
posted by
Cynthia
on September 29, 2003 at 6:43 PM
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Hannah, I got lost in your comment. . .I believe in monogamy. . .I'm I out of step?
Love,
Willow 
posted by
Gentle-Willow
on September 29, 2003 at 6:34 PM
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I must be stupid or something...
What I get out of that piece is that due to the success of the women's liberation movement combined with the sexual revolution, the one area women are actually gaining ground in is the arena of devaluing their own sexuality to the point that it actually holds none. women still only earn seventy cents to the dollar compared to men, but by God! we can be just as cavalier about our wedding vows as men have traditionally been.
We've come a long way, baby! I believe that the reason an inordinate amount of marriages fail in our curent society is because too many people do believe that the persfect soul mate awaits them in this lifetime and that they have the right to keep sampling until they find the right fit. Based on my experience of what it takes to make an exclusive relationship work... it is just that - work! If two people do take their vows in the sight of God as a serious "until death us do part" commitment, then they will stick it out for better or worse - not until a better offer comes along. Dedication to staying together and maintaining a nuclear family may be rare in our day and age, and that is sad.
What I am not understanding about this thread is the need to promote the idea of open sexual relationships.
Is the prevailing thought that since so many people are cheating - cheating must be the norm, therefore - monogomy is now considered abnormal? The most basic tenet of Sociology is that deviance defines the norm. I have no problem with Kurt and I being deviants with a monogomous bent - how kinky of us!
posted by
HannahBull-Lector
on September 29, 2003 at 6:24 PM
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