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Joe_Love
posted by
_Symphony_
on January 6, 2007 at 6:44 AM
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symphony
I agree with you. This would be a very uncomfortable situation (having your mother prefer one of your children over the other). However, I think your lashing out at your daughter because of your frustration caused by your mother is the bigger problem.
posted by
Joe_Love
on January 6, 2007 at 6:04 AM
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment me...
I really much appreciated it.
I was going to reply to you all - one at a time...but you are all basically saying the same thing.
if talking to my mother was that simple - then this would not be an issue.
I wish I could make you all understand - but, you don't know my mother and that is hard.
I think I will go with factorfictions advice....if this doesn't work - then well...I will have to think of something else...as this has to stop!
posted by
_Symphony_
on January 4, 2007 at 5:28 AM
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You're a great mother.
posted by
A-and-B
on January 4, 2007 at 4:54 AM
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SYMPHONY
My mom behaves this way, but it is very slight and almost unnoticeable. If she acted as your mom, I would sit her down and tell her that she is being prejudiced and it is disrupting the family dynamics. These are your children, and you are in charge.
I would say something to the effect that she must be fair, depsite how she feels. Anyway, I think a serious talk would be very beneficial to you. It would get your anger out and let her know that it really bothers you. In the meantime, you can set boundaries until she begins to realize that she is not running the show.
posted by
avant-garde
on January 4, 2007 at 4:14 AM
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Symphony
Darling you need boundaries. Do you have to depend on her for auto and child care? If you don't, ask her to meet you for lunch and tell her you love her but not to come to your house except when the children are away because she is not respecting your wishes with your children. They are your children! It is that simple. You raise them as you see fit.
Symphony you are a good Mother, don't ever forget that. Tell her you will plan outings where she may join you and the children away from your home. You will take the children and go home if she interferes. Don't discuss this with her just tell her. If she becomes irate, leave. Do not back down. You are in control here they are your children. Listen to what Taps says don't try to tell the children what she is like, don't talk about her. If she wants to be part of your life she will listen to you. If she can't stop this, then you don't have to become a part of it. It will be hard, you can do it. You have done harder things. You can love her and still maintain the boundaries your children need.
posted by
Justi
on January 4, 2007 at 1:54 AM
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I feel for you, friend ... I tend to agree with the comments I read.
I particularly agree with Lovelyladymonk... and will add this: the early years are the most important because the foundation on which lives are built happen then. Disharmony and biased treatment of little ones will shape their pscyche and emmotional lives and they are likely to struggle later, when they are full grown human beings...like it happened to me and many others. It is for you to put a stop to it. I understand that it is difficult and my heart goes out to you my friend. You love your mother and children ... Love will speak the truth ... here is a little poem I posted this morning, I hope you find good in it. Bless you.
The truth
Not always welcome
But always sheds light
Not always pleasant
But always relevant
Often upsetting
Never boring
Revealing
And there is no
Mending or
Healing
Without it.
posted by
Chilitree
on January 4, 2007 at 12:53 AM
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SYMPHONY
I am afraid your Mum is not going to change no matter what you do or say. In fact, I would bet that she gets worse with age and that it may be more pronounced as time goes on. I have a feeling that with her it is more subconsciously a problem between the two of you instead of between her and the children. Probably the best that you can do is to refrain from complaining to your children about your Mum, to teach them to look for the best in her and to only say good things about her to them. Yes, I do know what I am asking for I went through this with my MIL and my children. As they got older, they saw what was going on for themselves and formed their own opinions. Do not let your Mum ruin your relationship with your daughter by making her a pawn between the two of you. Good luck sweetie. You've really got yourself in a bind here.
posted by
TAPS.
on January 3, 2007 at 8:50 PM
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That is just aweful! I don't know what to tell you.
It looks like you have some good suggestions here though. Good luck.
posted by
Whacky
on January 3, 2007 at 8:35 PM
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I can relate!
This is a huge issue in my family. Both of my parents treat my oldest daughter much differently (read: better) than they do any of their other grandchildren, including my younger two. This causes isssues all around, in fact my brother and sister in law often get mad at me or at my oldest child because she is treated differently. It's infuriating, just remember that you cannot control how other people treat you or your children, but you can let both of your children know without out a doubt that they are both your favorites and that you love them BOTH very much.
This is a difficult issue, I know, but remember that she is human and this is just one of her HUGE flaws.
posted by
RachelAnna
on January 3, 2007 at 8:35 PM
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You're right...What your mum is doing is not right and needs to come to an end. Maybe what you need to do the next time she takes Jamie out is to go with her and watch her with him...
Then, when she tells you how naughty he's behaving or that he's playing her up, you'll have proof for yourself its not true.
At the same time, I think the others are right. You need to sit her down and have a long talk with her-but set ground rules first. No shouting or cursing you out or anything of that nature. If she starts in, you can demand that she leave until she learns to control her harsh temper.
At least, that's what I'd do. Best wishes...
posted by
lovelyladymonk
on January 3, 2007 at 7:42 PM
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You are a wonderful and loving mother don't let anyone make you feel bad.
posted by
bel_1965
on January 3, 2007 at 6:31 PM
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It's so hard
Symph, this must be so hard for you but please don't feel guilty. I think your Mom has a natural connection with your daughter since she was there when she was born and helped you with her when she was tiny. With your daughter being the age she is now they can share more things, more 'grown up' things. Jamie sounds like a cutie, a real live wire as they say over here 
. Not as easy for her to cope with now that your Mom's older and she had some health problems not that long ago. She's probably finding it very hard to cope with an active 3 year old. When he's a bit older they will probably find more things to do.
Maybe just say to her, calmly, that although she doesn't think she behaves any differently to the two, you would please really like her to try and spend some alone time (not long, just a bit at a time so she can cope) with Jamie so he can have the same close relationship with his Gran that your daughter loves.
It will be hard for your daughter to understand even though she sounds very mature so I wouldn't talk to her about it. It probably makes her feel good to be her Gran's favourite and there's nothing wrong with that.
The other comments your Mom makes, just ignore them. You know you're a great Mom, your kids love you to bits, that's all that matters.
Take care Symph 
posted by
DivineDiva
on January 3, 2007 at 5:29 PM
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I think that you may have to just sit down
and thrash this out with your mother as gently as possible. Let her know that you love and respect her, but that behaviour is affecting your relationship with your daughter. Your son is growing every day and is also growing more alert. Some day he will begin to see the difference in how his sister and he are treated. Before that happens you need to talk to her. Good luck with this.
posted by
word.smith
on January 3, 2007 at 4:33 PM
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This is not your fault so please don't feel guilty!!
You're doing the best you can under the circumstances. Since you've tried repeatedly to talk to your mother without success, you really don't have any options except for just staying away from her.
You should move far, far away...someplace like Texas.
posted by
Passionflower
on January 3, 2007 at 3:43 PM
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Depending upon the maturity of your daughter...
here is what I would do... my son is 8 also...
Talk to your daughter about it. She is probably uncomfortable when around your mum and her brother. (you may have said something I got the gist of what you were upset about but did not read eeeeverything 
) Your daughter knows darn well she is the favorite and that it won't change. Perhaps she could ask your mother to treat her brother nicer.
It sounds like that is the easiest way to get any sort of change... 
Sorry it is so stressful...my parents favor my older son since he was "their first." But, it is not nearly so pronounced and we do say things when they get carried away...
posted by
FactorFiction
on January 3, 2007 at 2:37 PM
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It's your mother who has a problem, not you
All you can do is show your children that you love them both equally. Dont feel guilty because it is your mothter's actions which are at fault. You are a good mother.
posted by
AbsolutelyPositive
on January 3, 2007 at 2:20 PM
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