Go to I WRITE, THEREFORE I AM
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- Go to If you do good but hurt others in the process, does it cancel out the good?
Julia., only you know the "right" time and way to proceed with your story.
Let the "move and on and get over it" crowd, who are so mightily offended by someone else's grieving, that they must expound and wax religious, and quote chapter and verse of whatever scripture seems to support their point at the time, "move on and get over themselves".
If and when it is time for you to write your book, articles or whatever it is you need to write, then I think that God, who works in the spirits and hearts of anyone who is open to the divine, will guide you. Working through past memories is a highly individual process of catharsis, and frankly, I doubt that most of us have the psychological training or insight to truthfully guide ourselves, much less others. We feel our way, holding hands in the dark, but I personally, choose not to follow the blind or blinder than I am.
posted by
Blanche.
on October 12, 2006 at 11:14 PM
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Julia, You have just as much right as anybody else
to say your peace (piece?). If it were myself that was so upset about a situation I would have to figure out the most beneficial way for myself to feel better in a proud and honorable way. There are numerous coalitions for victims, and rightfully so. I don't know your story, nor is it my business. But as we have just recently witnessed the ignored victims (family of the predator) in school house slaughters, so are you and your mother, from what I gather.
Were it myself, I would not attend the parade. I would not listen to someone glorify their own while demeaning mine. Should it bother me to the extent that I need to do something about it I would do something productive from my heart and my soul. Picketing an organization only gives others a bad name, organizing a combatative group breeds animosity. You are a writer. Write. Paint. Sing. Write. Draw. Breed cats. Write. Grow ferns. Drink good wine, or tea. Write. Do what is Julia, not what feeds and fuels someone else's cause.
Just my 2cents. 
posted by
Moxie_Maven
on October 12, 2006 at 10:45 PM
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blanche--
last year I bandied about the idea of writing a book...I want to do it, but I am still trying to piece it all together in my mind. I know I should just start but something keeps me from doing it. I'm not sure what...or why I can't begin in earnest.
posted by
Julia.
on October 11, 2006 at 10:50 AM
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Dave--
I could write her a letter easily enough but I don't think my family would be too keen on the idea of getting up to tell the "other side."
posted by
Julia.
on October 11, 2006 at 10:48 AM
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bel--
so it does seem a bit "over the top" to you too?
posted by
Julia.
on October 11, 2006 at 10:46 AM
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strat--
I totally agree with you on all points. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
posted by
Julia.
on October 11, 2006 at 10:46 AM
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Julia., it is certainly tempting to ascribe less than noble motives to this
woman, but like most people, it's probably a mixed bag. I like Dave's suggeestion, a kind of "if you can't beat them, join them" suggestioin. You can't shut her up, so why not present an alternative viewpoint, at the next press conference or one of your own.
If suffering in silence is no longer feasible and it is hurting your mother and you terribly to try to maintain a silence while the other side is being so constantly stirred up, then maybe it's time to find a venue of your own.
Where to begin? I think you already have, here. Godspeed with this.
posted by
Blanche.
on October 11, 2006 at 10:41 AM
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Maybe it would be worth approaching her privately again to explain calmly
how you feel.
Is this idea ridiculous - how would you feel about appearing on stage with her to talk about the wider effects of it all - forgiveness and reconciliation - let the listeners appreciate the full range of pain being felt by all involved.
Perhaps a letter to her about your current feelings.
It remains a tough one.
posted by
_dave_says_ack_
on October 11, 2006 at 9:18 AM
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Let's see..........
she had a book, does speeches, has been on national TV. What kind of money has she made off of her daughter's death? Sorry but she sounds like Cindy Sheehan to me.
She is reaping many benefits from her "pain" and while I don't doubt her pain, I do question her motives.
posted by
bel_1965
on October 11, 2006 at 8:13 AM
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I still think enough is enough.
If she wants to be effective, she should take the show on the road, as it were. The town knows, fer crying out loud -- she's beat it into the ground for 30 years.
Maybe I'm being insensitive, but I really believe enough is enough. If she knows she hurts you every time she does this, then some part of her probably hasn't forgiven, and she should recognize that and deal with it, starting with professing her forgiveness. Again, the only thing you're guilty of is being the immediate family of a damaged human being. None of you caused this; it was an aberration, a horrible and inexplicable aberration, and certainly it has hurt you and yours very deeply as well. Can't she see that?
posted by
strat
on October 11, 2006 at 8:06 AM
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Offbeats--
I have a feeling that many people feel that way too. She could forgive in her heart without constantly telling everyone that she has done so. That, in my opinion, would be far more powerful.
posted by
Julia.
on October 11, 2006 at 8:00 AM
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jadest--
I know it's hard for many people to understand, but it is impossible to "turn the station." I can't explain why--you either get it or you don't. It would be nice to be able to, though.
posted by
Julia.
on October 11, 2006 at 7:59 AM
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avant--
she is my mother's age so I can't see us being "friends" really. But I don't really consider her an enemy or vilified. I suppose I did at one point but now I think I understand her a great deal more, and have more empathy for her.
posted by
Julia.
on October 11, 2006 at 7:57 AM
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Julia
I have read this a couple of times. It is so very sad on both sides. One thing I will say is it would seem this lady is capitalizing on her forgiveness. I don't get that. Why not just let it go when you forgive?
posted by
Offy
on October 11, 2006 at 7:42 AM
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Prior happenings
have told me that it takes so much more energy to be made than glad. If she talked about whatever it was for the rest of her life, it still does not change whatever it was that happened. It is her was of venting and not yours. It is easy to be mad at a person you do not agree with. It is harder to say, that is just how things are and go on about your life. If she had told the story over and over than there is nothing new about it. Turn the station. Watch something else. Do something new.
posted by
jadest97
on October 11, 2006 at 6:58 AM
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Julia
Perhaps you two might actually become friends. Some of the greatest people I can think of personally were at first despised and vilified. As it turned out, I was merely afraid of them.
posted by
avant-garde
on October 11, 2006 at 2:23 AM
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Azur--
I'm still struggling with how to go about the writing of it--needing too much to have it all ironed out before I begin I guess. Though I suppose I should just begin and it will sort itself out. I have begun in a sense, with the dozen or so posts...but I've yet to see how they can become a book.
posted by
Julia.
on October 10, 2006 at 11:02 PM
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blanche--
at least 3 documentaries perhaps more. It really never ends, and I think you are right, it is entrenched now in her identity.
posted by
Julia.
on October 10, 2006 at 11:00 PM
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Julia. My feeling is that this woman's own sense of identity
is now so interwoven with this one terrible event that she may not have much idea of who she is or what to do outside of this. I suppose what surprises me more is that after 30 years she can still draw a crowd.
As I have said long ago, you should write about this. I mean you should write about how something like this impacts on your life. I do believe others could draw strength from it and it may inform people who don't think of all of the victims in such situation.
posted by
Azur
on October 10, 2006 at 6:25 PM
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Julia., this woman has certainly amassed a library: Dateline, a book,
(did you say a documentary as well), and newspaper articles, I'm assuming. You've approached her, she's refused to stop, and as you said, she continues speaking to your community, as well as the world at large. At this point, it may be such an entrenched part of her identity, as "the mother of a victim", that I wonder what she would do with herself if she did stop?
In any case, what would you do if you did go? Your mother tried and I give her a lot of points for doing that, as well. As I've read your story over time, I get a fuller picture of the other side of the coin, the one the media almost never talks about, the other victims, you and your mother, who live with this ignominy, and have to bear it.
I feel for you and your mother. This woman has the sympathy and support of your whole community (which is I'ms sure a big part of why she does it), but your family has not. That does not seem right to me.
posted by
Blanche.
on October 10, 2006 at 6:14 PM
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Alf--
I imagine she would like to tell herself that she is helping others, and maybe she is...I just don't know. And she's the only one who really knows why she needs to keep speaking. Maybe she doesn't even know???
posted by
Julia.
on October 10, 2006 at 6:02 PM
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lovelyladymonk--
thanks for letting me know you were here.
posted by
Julia.
on October 10, 2006 at 6:00 PM
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Julia,
I have been thinking about this, putting myself in this womans shoes, and then in your mothers. The notion occured to me that perhaps this is how the woman keeps the memory of her child alive, unforgotten. I could see myself having a tendancy to keep my childs memory as vibrant as I was able in this situation...of course I can't say for sure though. I wonder if she has even gone through all the steps of grief, she would have to before she could ever stop this because as soon as she stops and the memory of the incident fades for good then her child will truly be dead, remembered only by the immediate family.
I can't think of any other motivation, I mean is her talking about it really helping anyone but herself? Has it saved any lives? I doubt it. I feel badly for you and you family having to put up with it.
posted by
A_Norseman
on October 10, 2006 at 4:28 PM
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posted by
lovelyladymonk
on October 10, 2006 at 4:08 PM
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Maggie--
We're dealing with it the best way we know how to I guess. That has to be enough because it is what it is. Thanks for commenting, me fellow Furby fan!
posted by
Julia.
on October 10, 2006 at 3:48 PM
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blackcat--
I'm not sure it's such a good thing to leave one's readers speechless, but at least you found a few words! Thank you very much for reading and commenting.
posted by
Julia.
on October 10, 2006 at 3:46 PM
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A sad thing for both sides, Julia. I know some people
never stop grieving. It must be hard for you and your mother, but I don't know what you can do about it.
posted by
MaggieMae
on October 10, 2006 at 3:27 PM
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I don't know how to respond to this...
I just can't imagine how either side must feel... but I know you so you get my thoughts.
posted by
-blackcat
on October 10, 2006 at 2:40 PM
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