Go to IS THERE ANY SANE PEOPLE IN THIS INSANE WORLD
- Add a comment
- Go to I REMEMBER HER SMILE
Lustorlove
The unconditional thing is one of those things that most people assume they do or will do...most say they do it. What you find out is that it's unconditional if you turn out to be just like they are.
I've written elsewhere on this, so I don't mean to repeat, so ignore if you already know this----my first spouse's family was extremely political right wing fundamentalist. (Not the healthy kind...very judgmental about everything.) Mind you, I went to Catholic school, and was one of the few teens who got myself up to go to church when the rest of my family wasn't. I've always had a certain belief system.
My kids had bible studies with their dad every Sunday and seemed really into much of the mentality (not the demented political stuff. I balanced that out).
Well, the family had a meltdown, and we lost a lot. The spouse ran away, and did all sorts of very un Christian like things. Guess what---the kids totally turned their backs on everything. I went through the explanation that because a handful of people did wrong in the name of religion, doesn't mean that's you. There was so much lying, and illegal activity that went on with the dad's side of the family in the name of religion, I was fighting a losing battle.
Well, my daughter that I've told you about is a Pagan and sports two huge tattoos, one of which is one of the goddess symbols. My son stopped believing in anything. Now he is ultra liberal (I'm liberal politically as well, but behave pretty conservatively.) That doesn't go well with most traditional religions. So he's spiritual.
You have to know that about killed me. I went from having the girl I didn't identify with because she was such a girly girl, to one who cut off all her hair, dyed it a wild color, got tattoos and decided she was a witch or goddess.
So, unconditional love. Well, it comes. She didn't make the same life choices as I did. She doesn't do things the way that I do. She's a pretty wild party animal, like her dad. Still, she's mine, and there are huge parts of me in her.
I had big fights with my inlaws about my husband when they would say nasty things to him and imply that he wasn't good enough (sounds like what you went through with your mom). I would say, and I totally believe this: If you raise your children to think, to care, to feel---that's what you ask of them. Because they grow up and come to different conclusions than you did doesn't mean you need to jump in and make decisions for them. You have to accept you did you job. And the fact is even if my daughter is wildly different, she isn't. I taught her to think for herself and make decisions for herself. So, now it's my job to accept that she's doing just what I taught her to do. We don't have to agree. I just have to love her and vice versa.
Your post made me think of how much I take that premise as a given, but I see so many people whose parents don't act that way. They raise them, then still try to make decisions for them. It doesn't work that way.
You know now that your mother was wrong for doing that, right? I don't want to take for granted that you know. No matter how old we get, we're still little kids who need reassurance when it comes to stuff with our parents. (Again, I don't mean to pry, but I want you to hear from someone that you should have been accepted just because you were the child. There didn't need to be another reason other than that you were breathing.)
Kim
posted by
terpgirl30
on October 2, 2006 at 12:18 AM
| link to this | reply
Mrs Tanga
that should be at the top of the list
posted by
Lanetay
on October 1, 2006 at 11:30 AM
| link to this | reply
terpgirl30
yes my mom always made me feel like everything I did wasn't good enough from raising my kids to the man I chose to marry. But going back to the stripper my older daughter didn't come because she wouldn't feel comfortable, she is more reserved and like her dad
posted by
Lanetay
on October 1, 2006 at 11:29 AM
| link to this | reply
It is hard to lose your mother does not matter at what age...
I would like my kids to remember me by my caring and doing special things for them. I would like them to remember me for loving them unconditionally.
Mrs Tanga
posted by
Tanga
on October 1, 2006 at 3:31 AM
| link to this | reply
I didn't think you were copying my post, seriously, don't sweat it.
I just thought it was interesting that there must have been something in the air that we were all thinking along the same lines. Funny how that happens sometimes. Offbeats has some great stories in her one from yesterday (I think). Lots of people telling of what reminds them of their moms and grandmothers. So touching...
I was the first in my group to have children, and I have told people over and over that it's not the DisneyWorld moments kids remember with parents. It's the crazy sights, sounds, smells of day to day life. The stories I've been seeing reminds me of that.
I'm sorry you had the inferiority thing going on with your mom. Growing up, I used to say I wasn't sure my father liked me, let alone loved me. Had he passed when I was younger, I would have been left with so much insecurity. As I've gotten older, I see so much of how he speaks is a product of how his own life was. Some of the stuff he says cuts to the bone, but it's also pretty funny now that I know he's doing the best he can with it. You can actually see him fidgeting when he tries to says stuff to me sometimes. I'm like an alien to him, I know. Still, when all hell has broken loose, guess who takes over. I'm glad I got to know that side of him.
My mom was perfect as you say your mom was. She is very different in how she makes you think about it though, and I think I am the same way with my kids. She was that stay at homer who bleached and ironed everything. That's not me. I felt pretty inadequate. I remember when my daughter was young and my mom said something about giving her some orange juice. I explained that doctors didn't want you giving OJ to kids that young because it could lead to them having allergies to it if they are exposed to it to early. She just shook her head, and (very, very sincerely) said..."It's a wonder any of you lived with the information we had."
My ex mother in law sounds like what you were saying about the perfect person who makes you feel inadequate. She made a point to tell me that her three children all slept through the night at 2 weeks (Yeah, right). They were all potty trained by 18 months as well. Her best friend, bless her heart, called me to her house, knowing that I was pulling my hair out, thinking I had to be doing something wrong. She told me my mother in law screamed and carried on like a crazy woman....and took a lot of valium to get through three young children. I never threw it up to her, but the knowledge let me deflect the nasty "I'm so smart" comments.
I have made it a point to build my children up, and I'm getting that's how you are, too. My feeling is that how they do something may not be how I would do it...but it's okay just the same. Your daughter obviously felt comfortable enough with you to get you the stripper. That shows she has a solid relationship and feels safe with you, so you've done the right thing on your end. Be really proud of that.
posted by
terpgirl30
on September 30, 2006 at 10:51 PM
| link to this | reply
shellyb
I am sure they will
posted by
Lanetay
on September 30, 2006 at 12:32 PM
| link to this | reply
terpgirl30
I am sorry I didn't see your post, so I hope you don't think I was copying your idea. Thank you for telling the story about your mom. My mom did everything perfect, but that caused me to have an inferior complex because I have never done anything perfect and she had her way to let me know it. But off the subject a wee bit is the best birthday I can remember was when I turned 60 almost 3 years ago my daughter got me a male stripper. It was an awesome experience to feel so important.
posted by
Lanetay
on September 30, 2006 at 12:31 PM
| link to this | reply
Well, I don't have kids, so I hope my nephews will remember how
I was always interested if their lives. I have always been interested in what activities they were involved in. School, sports, relationships. I hope they would say I was a good Aunt.
posted by
shelly_b
on September 30, 2006 at 12:25 PM
| link to this | reply
First,
I'm so sorry for your loss. There's nothing adequate to say that even touches how you feel or your memories.
Offbeats and I got into a discussion on moms as a take off on one of her posts just yesterday. Her post today is about things you remember about your mom. Ironically, mine from yesterday ended up being on how you would would want to be remembered. Maybe there's a vibe floating.
I don't think anyone is done justice in a coffin. If you think about it, the main thing about your mom was her spirit which came out in the smile, and that was the very thing missing at the Mortuary. That had passed on to you by then.
A smile is a great memory to leave behind, isn't it! My mother is a whack job in the best sense of the word. An outsider would never get her strength because of her silliness sometimes, but those who know her would point to the strength every time.
To give you a bit of it...remember the movie Sybil with Sally Field? My mom saw me at school one day very chatty and smiling. I was very quiet at home. She started calling me Sybil. Now, when I say she called me that, it's not what you'd think. I remember one night in particular that I had gone to bed. My mother stood outside my door and whispered "S-Y-B-I-L" just like they did in the movie. She's a one-r.
One of my best memories with her is a birthday present. My brother had gotten us tickets to see Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis and Dean Martin. By then Dean had dropped out and Liza Minelli was traveling with them. My mother had a crush on Frank since she was a teenager. We drove through, I think, 3 beltway systems to get to the arena. You need to know my mom doesn't really drive. And she especially doesn't do beltways. You have to fake her out and tell her she's not really on a highway. It's hard to fake on I95 coming out of a sold out concert. On our way home, I had to hug the right lane, going 40 mph. I was the person you hate that night. She kept looking behind us, seeing a massive pile of traffic, saying, "That's okay, you just let them pass us. We're not in any hurry." I didn't have the heart to tell her that as soon as the one wave passed, another would be on us. It took about three hours to get home that night.
The main part is that we dressed up for that concert, seriously. This was The GUY, after all. Her face should have cracked for the way she was smiling from the minute he took the stage. We had gone to dinner which is why we got dressed up, or so I thought. She told me during the concert that she was sure he could see us, and she wanted to look her best for him. She was 16 again. She'll tell you today that's her favorite birthday present. It wasn't my birthday, but it's one of my favorite days, too. Seriously, when you make someone that happy, it has to stick with you. I saw her as a teenager in love. How cool is that?
posted by
terpgirl30
on September 30, 2006 at 10:08 AM
| link to this | reply