Go to I WRITE, THEREFORE I AM
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- Go to Stuck between a rock and a hard place, and all I can do is pray
..that's all you can do...
posted by
MasonGarrett
on September 28, 2006 at 1:04 AM
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Oh boy that's a hard one.
Is there a local 'senior shuttle' service? I'll join you in praying for them.
posted by
Whacky
on September 27, 2006 at 10:14 PM
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Julia.
You are definitely in a hard situation. I went through it with my own mother. I wish you the best in resolving this.
posted by
jacentaOld
on September 27, 2006 at 9:00 PM
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Wow, difficult situation Julia
But first and foremost is the safety factor - theirs and other drivers. In my area there are transportation services for the elderly at low cost or no cost, depending on income. Perhaps this sounds unjust or unfair, but I think at a certain age, driving tests should be required on a regular basis. A few years ago, I was broadsided by an elderly woman who refused to wear her hearing aid or glasses. She didn't see me or hear my horn. The passenger side of my van was smashed badly from her error in pulling out of a parking lot at full throttle. If one of my kids had been seated next to me, I shudder to think what would have happened. Our personal freedoms cannot be held in contradiction to the rights of others. My thoughts.
Good Luck!
posted by
Katray2
on September 27, 2006 at 8:54 PM
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Mayb you can keep a driver-cum- handy(wo)man for them. I know it costs.
But u could think of other things he could do by which u could cover his costs?
posted by
Straightforward
on September 27, 2006 at 6:27 PM
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We went through this with my grandmother...she was so pissed at the
family, I think that was the first time we had ever heard her cuss! LOL Yes, they will get mad but it is the right thing to do. Good luck!
posted by
shelly_b
on September 27, 2006 at 4:59 PM
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You certainly are caught between a rock and a hard place, Julia. I think that if I was in the same situation, I would rather have them safe and whole and mad at me, than making their funeral arrangements. I say, do what you have to do to keep them safe. It will work out in the end.
posted by
MaggieMae
on September 27, 2006 at 4:07 PM
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You are certainly in a quandry there. I would hate to live in a place where
...you had to travel so far for things. It may sound stupid but could they move home? It might be a lot easier helping them with that than doing the driving yourself! I used to drive but don't anymore Driving around London is getting bad and worst people are so aggressive. You never know perhaps they would love to live in town! Good luck.
posted by
nonconformist
on September 27, 2006 at 3:28 PM
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Julia
Wow that's a tough one. Now being a pedestrian and driver I really try to avoid older drivers...I have seen some of their work in S.FL. ....but you know when they told my Dad he couldn't drive anymore he went into severe depression. It is hard both ways...wish I had some words of wisdom, but each case is different...I hope they stay safe and that he keeps a good look out for others...
posted by
Offy
on September 27, 2006 at 3:05 PM
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That is really tough.
posted by
A-and-B
on September 27, 2006 at 2:57 PM
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Julia
If you don't think he should drive, then you have no choice but to step in and do it yourself. I certainly don't envy your predicament.
posted by
Talion
on September 27, 2006 at 1:22 PM
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My husband and I went through this with his parents. It was hard and so
very frustrating for all concerned. We were living with them at the time and I think us selling his car, even though my Mother-in-law approved, was the last straw. They put the house up for sale and we parted ways angrily. Unfortunately, that was the last time my husband saw his mother alive. She died three months later without as much as a goodbye phone call. I wish so many things had been done differently, but I was afraid that he'd kill someone else on the road. He had scrapes on every side of his car. What if one of those had been a child and not a pole? There is no right answer. Listen to your gut and yes, PRAY.
posted by
Schatz
on September 27, 2006 at 1:06 PM
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Julia
The elderly can be very dangerous to everyone on the road. I pray that he is safe.
posted by
avant-garde
on September 27, 2006 at 12:56 PM
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It’s a dilemma, no doubt about that
I live in a city where there is a significant aging population. Talk about having to exercise defensive driving! In any event, it's my understanding that if or when a senior has their first "fender bender" after age 70 (I think) they must be retested - the actual driving test as well. I think this it's a fair solution and should be adopted elsewhere. Ask me how I feel about that when I'm 70 though.
posted by
Troosha
on September 27, 2006 at 11:49 AM
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julia
oy, you have a very difficult situation on your hands. that is never an easy one to confront. i would feel just as you do cause i don't like driving that much either, not long distances or freeways. I drove my Alzheimer's clients all over but that way my job, and they were clients not family members. Keep praying
posted by
MysticGmekeepr
on September 27, 2006 at 11:01 AM
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Julia, It is the age-old story of the fight for independence as age creeps up and removes one bit of it at a time until only vulnerability and hopelessness is remains. Often blame is heaped upon the head of the one(s) who love and care the most. It seems to be a natural progression. You are in the place where I was and someday my sons will be. There is no easy answer. If you can afford it, hire a chauffeur as did the son in
Driving Miss Daisy. If you are stuck with the job yourself, it makes it easier on your loved ones if you always use their car (you driving) instead of yours. It give them just a bit of continued pride that they are riding in something that they own and love. After you get him to let you drive his car with him as passenger (a very big step in itself), work toward removing the car from his place to yours so it will not be a temptation for him to just get in and start riding around. Whenever they want to go someplace, drive their car to pick them up and transport them. At this stage, your life is not your own. You have already made the decision to move across the country to be their support. It is going to involve much more than you ever dreamed. It would be well if you would join one of the wonderful support groups that is available for caregivers of the elderly.
posted by
TAPS.
on September 27, 2006 at 10:58 AM
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Julia
that is being stuck between a rock and a hard place...julia you do what you can do and the rest leave to fate. I understand the worry having your mom sitting in the passengers seat, do you think she feels the same? Perhaps you should try to help them find some alternate diversion of sorts. 
and Julia...you are a gentle soul
posted by
cosy
on September 27, 2006 at 10:43 AM
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I just read fourcats' ideas - they are really good, I think.
posted by
_dave_says_ack_
on September 27, 2006 at 9:35 AM
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Julia, I think in this case you have to confront.
A preamble of love, followed by a 'but'. And I would start insisting on doing the driving right away. Whatever argument might ensue. You agonized over making the move, but now that you've crossed that bridge, you're in the right place to be of real use.
I would be the chauffeur and be the voice of reason, like it or not. You can be his independence, if that's not a contradiction in terms. That's what I'd do and I've done similar in the recent past.
May patience speed you, whatever you decide.
posted by
_dave_says_ack_
on September 27, 2006 at 9:34 AM
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julia - it's the same situation with my dad. he's still licensed so he
still drives but my sisters and i intervene when we can. we know we can't say "give me your shopping list, i'll do your shopping" but if we call and say "hi, i'm at the store, can i pick something up for you while i'm here?" he'll give the list that way. or we'll call and say, "i'm going to ______, do you want to come along for the ride?"
now, you say you have trouble with driving which definitely throws a kink into things. is it possible to find out if the pharmacy makes deliveries? although your dad might fight that as the pharmacy is only one of a few destinations he has left. certainly with my dad, once he hangs up the keys for good, we expect the decline to be pretty quick.
wishing you the best with this generational struggle.
posted by
fourcats
on September 27, 2006 at 9:23 AM
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Julia., My mother's neighbors were in a similar situation.
I went to visit my mom a couple of months ago, and we accepted an invitation to ride to a nearby church for a lecture on beach glass from an 80 plus year old woman who lives in her subdivision. She pulled into the driveway, and I was stunned to see the car start to roll backwards, without her seeming to be aware of it, until I said something to her. I was hesitating about getting in, but we did, and nearly got us T-boned coming out of the subdivision on the main road, making a left turn as slow as molasses.
We made it, Thank God, it was only a couple of miles, but it was the longest couple of miles. Her husband drove us home, but I made Mom promise she'd never get in the car with her driving again. My mom has serious denial problems of her own, so she didn't seem that concerned herself, I think, like you said about yours, she had to deny the possibility of serious harm for so long, it becomes second nature.
I heard later that this couples kids in Iowa or Ohio have insisted that their parents sell their house here in Waahington and move back to be closer to them, because I think they figured out they were unsafe on the roads.
The retirement town where my Mom lives is full of elderly people driving and I've heard that their accident rates exceed teenagers. I don't know what you can do to intervene in your father's driving, and I'm sure he'll raise a fuss, but for your parents' sake, and the sake of everyone on the road, I think you do need to do something.
posted by
Blanche.
on September 27, 2006 at 9:17 AM
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That's all you can do
posted by
Ariala
on September 27, 2006 at 8:43 AM
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Is there anyone else in the family who can help you with this?
posted by
ginnieb
on September 27, 2006 at 8:35 AM
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That's a really tough one Julia...
posted by
ginnieb
on September 27, 2006 at 8:35 AM
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Pray , God takes care of them .
posted by
afzal50
on September 27, 2006 at 7:56 AM
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I will pray with you
for the safety of all involved
posted by
Tanga
on September 27, 2006 at 7:54 AM
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julia
It sounds like you seriously need to find a way to keep this guy off the road. Think of the other people an accident could hurt! Good luck with this. Maybe you could talk with a social service agency for some help.
posted by
Nanaroo
on September 27, 2006 at 7:43 AM
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Julia
Why do you worry? He is young in vision, so me must be young at heart too. It's good that he is able to drive at 88. Gr8, but you should talk it out with him, I think. I am not one of those hell-drivers, but my better-half, or butter-half, whatever, starts howling at me, and she seems to have destroyed all my natural drive!!
posted by
Bhaskar.ing
on September 27, 2006 at 7:40 AM
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