Comments on How Does One Literally Watch Someone Die?

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Hi Symph!

Thank you. I'll get through this.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:53 PM | link to this | reply

Nanaroo,

I can't imagine how much you've seen working with hospice. I took care of my mother in law back in Chicago years ago and we had hospice. They are true angels. I watched her die and it really felt as if her spirit literally zoomed out of her body as if to say, "I'm outa here and out of that painful body!" The air actually felt lighter when she passed. Thanks for your comments.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:52 PM | link to this | reply

Sweet Teddy,

Your words are always incredible. Thank you. Sorry about your mom. Smartdog's mom passed 1 year ago, too. I guess this is something we all have to go through sometime or another. I'm keeping it together so far and I am grateful for the support and prayers. I'm blessed. Thank you so much.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:49 PM | link to this | reply

Hi Smartdog!

I was thinking about you last week because I saw something on tv that reminded me of you. (It was a "smart" thing!) Thanks for your kind words. You always know the right things to say. Sorry about your mom. I remember we talked about her a while back. It's never easy. At least she is out of pain, but it doesn't make us not miss them still. Thanks again you smartdawggie, you!

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:46 PM | link to this | reply

Spitfire, I don't look forward to this with my own parents

It's hard to imagine them not being on the planet, even though we have our problems.  There's that primal bond.  Hnag in there, sweetie! 

posted by Blanche. on September 3, 2006 at 4:45 PM | link to this | reply

Blanche,

Thanks. I am 100% sure I know my mom will cross over back Home and will finally be out of pain. It's weird cause I want her out of pain but I'm selfish cause I don't want her to go away.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:43 PM | link to this | reply

Mike,

Thank you so much. I will try my best to get through this. I know I will never get over it but I will get through it. Your comment about being a parent to a parent is right on the money, too! Weird, isn't it? Anyway, thanks again.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:40 PM | link to this | reply

Wow, Kim, I can't thank you enough

You did find the right words here. They certainly help and I will keep my head up. It's bittersweet to see how many people lend their support and concern when something tragic is happening. Your mom sounds like one cool lady! Stubborn, but cool!  I see you totally understand how frustrating it is to have a back/neck injury. I often feel useless and sometimes feel sorry for myself. Those feelings don't help any, but it's that human thing! Thanks again so very much for your comments and compliments. It means very much to me.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:38 PM | link to this | reply

Thank you Azur

Your words were perfect. Thank you.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:30 PM | link to this | reply

Sorry to hear that Avant

But yeah, I'm sure it was a blessing when he passed.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 3, 2006 at 4:29 PM | link to this | reply

I am so very sorry.....

posted by _Symphony_ on September 3, 2006 at 11:40 AM | link to this | reply

Spitfire

my heart goes out to you.  I am a former hospice worker and I have literally watched someone leave this world.  It sounds like you are taking very good care of your mother and are making good decisions.  All the best to you!

posted by Nanaroo on September 3, 2006 at 7:37 AM | link to this | reply

Dear Spitfire

posted by teddypoet_TheGoodByeFade on September 3, 2006 at 7:30 AM | link to this | reply

Hello Fires

It is hard when you have to make choices for someone who helped you make many of your own.  I can empathize.

December 13th will mark the first year since my mother passed after her struggle against cancer.  Many of the things you described here I have witnessed and felt.  That is all I will say about it.  I think it's all that needs to be said.

Remember that you are braver than you think you are; you wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't.

I wish you all the best,
-Smartdog

posted by smartdog_670 on September 2, 2006 at 6:56 PM | link to this | reply

Spitfire, this is a tough situation,

I haven't been through it, I can only imagine how it feels, letting go and saying goodbye to your Mom. Being her caretaker and reversing roles, having to make decisions you don't want to make, that have no real upside.  I pray for your strength and peace, in knowing your doing what has to be done, and in the end, everybody does go.  

I picked up Allison DuBois' book, and I've read a little of it, "Don't Kiss Them Goodbye". I hope it's comfort to you, that there is a place beyond pain, where your mother's spirit is free and happy.  Peace. 

posted by Blanche. on September 2, 2006 at 10:43 AM | link to this | reply

Spitfire

I can't say it any better then the others who have been here before me but my thoughts and prayers go out to you. Like Kim said, lean on your friends here and elsewhere. Sharing your sorrow does help lessen it. Also while you are becoming the parent to your parent, remember the good times. That will help you get through this.

Take care,

Mike

posted by mikea18 on September 2, 2006 at 9:13 AM | link to this | reply

Spitfire70

It broke my heart to read this.  My father died in a nursing home at age 46, so I can relate to your pain.  I feel terrible for you and your mom though.  My father had the "luxury" of not knowing where he was or what was happening.  He'd always been handsome and physically fit and never in a million years would have wanted his demise to be as it was.  I just hope and pray that he really didn't know where he was.  I hope that somehow you and your mother can find some peace.  As terrible as it is, surely she knows that this is for her own safety. Bless her heart, and yours.  

posted by Holy_Grail on September 2, 2006 at 7:52 AM | link to this | reply

Spitfire

I was gone for a while, and just yesterday commented on someone's blog that I had not seen your work.  I thought you had gone and I was upset because I know I wold have missed your writing.  I make my living as a writer, and I don't often say this to people, but I have to tell you that when I read your stuff---whether it be serious like today or something light and airy, or a rant, I always think to myself how talented you are.  And I always mean to tell you that. 

I am so very sorry you are going through this, that your family is going through this.  It has to be so scary, frustrating, confusing, etc. for you, as it is for your mother.  All of the mom-isms you gave in the first paragraph are almost verbatim the ones my mom taught me.  I just went on a job interview and when they asked me how I would behave with coworkers, I spouted these mom-isms.  I have told these many interviewers that it's not a coworker thing at all; it's a human being thing.  So if I'm doing something right that someone is noticing, I need to thank my mom.

Just by your writing I can see that you have been brought up this same way.  And so, yes, all of this has to be weighing mercilessly on your shoulders.  I have no idea what faith you are, and to be honest, I don't think it matters.  Whenever anyone has offered to say a prayer for me or send me karma or keep me in their wishes in my hard times, I gladly took them up on it.  You can never have enough arms supporting you, can you?  So know I will pray for you and your family, and think of you. 

When you spoke of your mom's independence, again, I flash on my mom.  My mom is 67 and she runs a Moose Lodge.  Physically she has no business doing anything she is doing.  Like you, I have a back/neck injury, and I find myself not being able to do things I so wish I could do for her.  What's maddening for me is that my mom still does those things.  A doctor has told her he has no idea how her head sits on her shoulders.  The muscles/tendons, etc. are all distorted.  Just a few days ago she had another bizarre bout where her eyesight went nuts with jagged lines and fuzzy shapes. And yet she's running a Moose lodge.  Just last winter during a blizzard, I put a frantic call in to her to make sure she had food, power, etc.  She told me she couldn't talk.    She had to get to that Moose lodge --TO SHOVEL THE WALK FOR THE OLD PEOPLE.  Again, she's 67.

We've had discussions on what to do if she becomes frail.  She is petrified of having to depend on someone, swears she will never live with either my brother or I because "it would be a drag for you." 

Can you imagine?  The person who taught you so much, gave you so much, believing she would/could be a drag. 

And yet, in human terms I know you, too, are being stretched. I wish I had wise words to share, but I don't.  I think you just get up every day and wonder what will meet you today, then wonder how you'll get through it physically, mentally, financially.  And then, somehow you do get through it, even if for just that one extra day.

Lean on as many arms as you can whenever you need to.  You know you've been that arm for many people in the past, so now you need the support.

Take care of yourself,

Kim

posted by terpgirl30 on September 2, 2006 at 4:41 AM | link to this | reply

Spitfire, I don't think it gets much harder than this

    Your respect and care is evident. It is good that your good memories are intact as they help in such times. I wish I could think of something helpful to say. Glad you are still around this place when possible

posted by Azur on September 2, 2006 at 4:34 AM | link to this | reply

SpitFire

I'm sorry to learn of this. Sounds like she would do much better in a skilled nursing facility. My dad had to be put into one in his last days. It was a relief when he passed, because of his condition.

posted by avant-garde on September 2, 2006 at 3:06 AM | link to this | reply

SpitFire

I'm not too bad these days!  Take care of you!

posted by Afzal_Sunny7 on September 1, 2006 at 9:53 PM | link to this | reply

Hi SunnyB!

Thanks so much for your kind comments. I think it's the right thing to do, too. Hope you're doing well yourself.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 1, 2006 at 9:49 PM | link to this | reply

How very sad.

I'm sorry to hear all of this.  I think you're making the right choice.  She'll be safer, and less likely to hurt herself.  Maybe it won't be so bad?

I hope things get better and her mood improves some, and yours too.
Take care.

Love and Blessings.

posted by Afzal_Sunny7 on September 1, 2006 at 9:45 PM | link to this | reply

Thanks, Katray.

Yeah, it's hard for sure. But, I guess this is all part of life. Thanks again.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 1, 2006 at 9:36 PM | link to this | reply

Wow, so very sorry to hear this Spitfire

Watching the decline of a parent is heartbreaking. Thoughts and prayers sent. Take care.

posted by Katray2 on September 1, 2006 at 9:28 PM | link to this | reply

Thank you Whacky!

Sorry you had to go through this, too.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 1, 2006 at 4:20 PM | link to this | reply

Blackcat,

Thank you so much. I actually almost cancelled my Blogit subscription because of lack of time for it. But, I realized how much I care about so many of you and how much I'd miss you. Thanks for your kind words.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 1, 2006 at 4:19 PM | link to this | reply

Tanga,

Thank you so much. How totally thoughtful of you.

posted by SpitFire70 on September 1, 2006 at 4:15 PM | link to this | reply

I've been there it is a very hard decision to make. I know you will do

the best thing for her and you. Keep remembering the good times and hold on to them. Take care!

posted by Whacky on September 1, 2006 at 6:59 AM | link to this | reply

spiffy... this is so sad. I feel so sorry for you. It sounds like you're

doing all you can, and remembering the good times as well.  It can't be easy (understatement of the year).  Remember that your blogging family is always here for you.  Take care of yourself too!   

posted by -blackcat on September 1, 2006 at 5:39 AM | link to this | reply

Sounds

like you are going through a very difficult emotional time and I am sure your Mom is too. I wish you both strength. Strength for you to make the best decisions and strength for your Mom to accept them.

posted by Tanga on September 1, 2006 at 3:38 AM | link to this | reply